Tuesday July 13th, 2010 - Chicago, IL The Grim Reaper must be working on a commission basis these days. It’s hard to keep a current count of everyone of note who has died this year, and as the old time disk jockeys used to say “And the hits just keep on coming.” Every day seems to bring a new casualty. Today’s #1 with a bullet was New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. Actually, it was a massive heart attack at age 80. According to many, there were serious doubts that a heart even existed, but according to all of the news reports I read that’s what caused it. I don’t know what to think about George Steinbrenner. There’s no doubt he was one of the most high profile pro sports owners of the modern era, but that doesn’t mean I have to like him. Nobody has to like anybody, and I resent the fact that when controversial people like this die, their negative side rarely comes out. Nobody ever seems to tell it like it is. I’ve read lots of stories about him being an absolute ass. I don’t know if they’re partially true, completely true or mostly made up. I never met the guy or had cause to interact with him in any way on this cosmic plane during any of the time when we shared it. Now we’ll never do it, but his story still intrigues me. He got to live his life in the biggest fish bowl. The Yankees weren’t the yearly shoo in to win the World Series from my first memories of them. They had guys like Celerino Sanchez and Freddy Beene and all kinds of ham and eggers nobody ever heard of. I had their baseball cards, but couldn’t have cared less about any of them. I followed my own mediocre to rotten hometown Brewers team back then. I was ten when George Steinbrenner took over, and his name quickly became known for all the things he did to transform the Yankees. That was the very beginning of free agency and the Yankees turned it around in a hurry. Mike Kekich and Bill Sudakis gave way to a new crop of big stars from Reggie Jackson to Catfish Hunter to Goose Gossage and more. I learned to loathe the Yankees over the years like any other self respecting baseball fan, but one has to admit that this current success run was built under Steinbrenner’s watchful eye and has lasted some 37 years. The question is, could that run have been even better? The impression I got about George Steinbrenner was a cross between Thurston Howell III and the Incredible Hulk. He was always arguing with Billy Martin and firing or trading people, and didn’t seem interested in fair play. All he cared about was the bottom line. Granted, in 37 years he won seven World Series championships. Might there have been twice that many if he wasn’t an overbearing blowhard? That’s hard to say. Nobody speaks ill of him now that he’s dead, but I’ll bet there are a lot of stories right under the surface. I always wanted to have money, but not if it makes me act like that. He was probably an ass even if he wouldn’t have been loaded, but money brought it out and enabled him to do whatever he wanted, without caring who was hurt by it. I want to leave a happier legacy.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Walter Hawkins
Monday July 12th, 2010 - Chicago, IL
I was very saddened to hear of the passing of Walter Hawkins today. Even sadder is that despite the fact he was a master craftsman and creative genius, most of the public have no clue as to who he was or how much he contributed to his field. He had world class talent.
Walter Hawkins was the leader of The Hawkins Family, a gospel music super group for several decades. Their first album came out in the mid ‘70s and I remember hearing it as a kid and loving it. For some reason, I’ve got some eclectic musical tastes for a dorky white boy from Milwaukee. There’s no reason I should like black gospel music, but I totally do.
It’s funny how that music gets categorized in stores. White groups always get labeled as ‘contemporary Christian’ while black artists are ‘gospel’. I love the gospel artists because of the raw energy. There’s usually a large choir involved and that sound is incredible. I’ve never heard anything like it, and I never get tired of hearing it. It’s soothing to the soul.
Walter Hawkins was the George Clinton of gospel music. He had several offshoots of a core group of singers and musicians, and released numerous recordings that he wrote and produced. He was surrounded by extreme talent, but he was the one who molded it into a finished product, and the results were consistently some of the best music I’ve ever heard.
He was married to Tramaine Hawkins, a superstar in gospel music. She had a few solo albums, and her power house voice is legendary. They eventually got divorced, but when they were a group they cranked out recording after recording of spectactular material that still sounds good today. Unfortunately, a lot of that great music isn’t available on CD.
I remember buying cassettes and albums as a teenager and having to hunt for those. The store clerks would usually give me a funny look, but I didn’t care. That soothing sound of a big gospel choir belting out classic tune after classic tune is something I still enjoy now, even though my feelings on God and religion have completely changed since I was a kid.
There are some Youtube clips of The Hawkins Family, and I challenge you to check out classic tunes like ‘Goin’ Up Yonder’ or ‘Be Grateful’ and not have the hair on the back of your neck stand up when Tramaine or Lynette Hawkins-Stephens start letting it rip from a place no Caucasian folk I’ve ever met seem to have inside of them. It’s beyond this earth.
The big one that blows everyone away is a song called ‘Changed’. Wow. Tramaine is at her absolute best on this one, and she blows all the dust out of the speakers and then some as the choir sways behind her adding glycerin to her nitro and making music like no other. I am in total awe of the level of talent of all these people, and Walter was right at the top.
What really saddened me was that he died of pancreatic cancer. That sounds SO painful and I just can’t grasp how a God could let that happen to not only someone with such rich talent, but someone who spent his life trying to honor a God. It doesn’t make sense, and it makes me doubt even more. Walter Hawkins was one of the best ever. He will be missed.
Monday, July 12, 2010
I Need A Manager
Sunday July 11th, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL I need a manager. Finally. But I definitely do. Everyone seems to think some wizardly mystical guru type is going to pop out of a limo with a long cigar and wallet full of $100 bills, but I’ve yet to see that happen for anyone. I’ve heard horror stories of long term one sided contracts with management companies, and that’s not what I’m looking for at all. First I think I need to determine exactly what I mean by a manager. I’m talking about a personal manager who takes care of my immediate ongoing needs like sending promo to gigs, making sure promo is updated, handling website updates, a newsletter and any other constant chore that needs regular updating but most comedians rarely do. It’s a valet type. In a perfect world a manager would organize tax records, arrange media interviews and also handle the lion’s share of marketing and merchandising. I don’t want to spend all my time doing things that keep me away from being a better comedian, but they’re necessary to the big picture and those who don’t do them don’t advance. I feel like I can use a hand. Bookings are another area which could use a swift kick in the aspirations. I know I stink at sending out my avails each month to a list of bookers I already work for. Most booking work is done online these days anyway, so a manager type could not only keep that list up to date, but create a new one of places I don’t work yet. It could be a total win/win for us. The incentive I could offer is a percentage of each booking, with a higher one going to a gig I couldn’t get myself. Private shows could be gone after with a direct mail package for relatively low cost. I’ve never done one before, but I’ve always thought that would work. I’m the first one to admit I’m all over the place, but I also know what I want to work on. I tend to wander quite a bit, but I’m always working on something. If I had a manager, I’d draw up a plan with that person as to what needed to be done when, and have a plan down on paper as to what needed to be done when so we could check and balance each other. It would have to be the right person, preferably someone who has had some experience in the entertainment business and isn’t coming into it blindly. I can think of a few people I would consider, but they’d have to want to do it and be willing to take direction. I’d be in charge, and have final say. That person would work for me, but I’d still take suggestions. A management deal is something completely different. Signing with a big agency where they handle the career is not what I’m talking about. In that scenario, they have contacts I don’t and can get movies made and projects done. Right now I’m looking for someone to be my personal pit crew so I can concentrate on driving the race car. I’m getting nowhere. It seems like I make a little progress on something and then everything else falls by the wayside and doesn’t get done at all. I need someone out there doing the littler stuff so I’ll be able to pick and choose what needs to get done so I can get on to bigger projects other than working the small time gigs I’m doing. I want to find my way to the elusive big time.
LeBron Turns Heel
Saturday July 10th, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL One of the most educational if not fun things I’ve ever done was get involved in the pro wrestling business in my early twenties. I will admit, had I been blessed with even a tenth of one iota of physical ability, I’d have been inside that ring in a New York minute baby. Instead, I got to be involved both as a ring announcer and TV commentator, and looking back that was a great way to do it. I didn’t have to sacrifice my body and I still got to have the fun of being around the circus. Talk about colorful characters, wrestling is chock full. Most of my experience was with a bunch of guys based in Milwaukee who used to lose on purpose on television matches for the AWA (American Wrestling Association) which was based in Minneapolis. They had their own federation in the Milwaukee area that had several incarnations over the years, but it was basically the same group of guys renamed. Eventually, I bought the organization which included a 22 foot former WWF ring and a rattle trap truck to haul it to the venues. I don’t think that truck ever started when I had it, but it went along with the deal so I took it. I ended up having to tow the truck to shows so I could be sure it got there. No ring, no matches. No matches, no money. It’s a no brainer. I ran shows for about a year, and learned more during that time than just about any other in my entire life. I learned about promotion, how to be in charge, sales, politics between a mixed bag of people and a whole lot more. The main thing was the subtleties of wrestling as an art form, which it really is. It’s poor man’s opera, the storytelling is the main thing. Each match tells it’s own little story, and there’s a good guy (aka ‘baby face’) and a bad guy (the ‘heel’) who lock it up in the ring and let their story lines play out. Sometimes the bad guy will sneak in and win, but mostly the good guy comes out on top in the end. It’s a beautiful thing to watch when it works well, and I’ve seen examples of it over and over. The person who comes up with the story lines is said to have ‘the pencil’, and has to put all the story lines together so it all flows well as an evening’s entertainment. It’s not at all easy to do, and I respect those who do it well. It’s hard enough trying to do comedy well. A wrestling term that describes a heel’s wrestler’s negative reaction from the fans when doing what most consider to be wrong is called ‘heat’ or ‘getting heat’. I immediately had a revelation when I heard LeBron James signed to play in Miami. He infuriated his whole home town, and turned heel in the basketball world. He’s now changed how fans see him. The funny thing is, what team did he choose? The Miami ‘Heat’. Coincidence? It guess it COULD be, but that caught my attention right away and it made me laugh. This whole big fiasco is just an old pro wrestling story line. The good guy turns bad, and then people pay their money to see him get his mouth shut by some other baby face. It’s all calculated to sell tickets, which is what all this hype is about. LeBron went from baby face to heel to help the NBA sell more tickets. Sorry Cleveland, you’re buying in exactly how they want.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Dinner Bell Mel - RIP
Friday July 9th, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL
I heard on the radio today Mel Turpin committed suicide. He was 49. He was probably best known for his infamous nicknames of ‘Dinner Bell Mel’ and ‘The Mealman’ among others, but he was a basketball player for the University of Kentucky who was drafted the same year as Michael Jordan. He’s considered one of the biggest NBA busts of all time.
He was about 6’10” and always seemed to struggle with his weight, hence his array of colorful monikers, but I remember meeting him not long after he was drafted. I was just getting started on the road and was working in Lexington, KY, probably for the first time.
I don’t remember exactly where or when, but it was in some sports bar complex where the comedy show was. I was in my early twenties and after the show I was hanging at the sports bar with some comics and club people and there was Mel Turpin hanging out too.
It was hard to miss a 6’10” black guy in a crowd of twenty something Caucasian college kids, but what stuck out more than that was his very calm demeanor. He was just a guy at a sports bar, minding his own business. He wasn’t bothering anyone or trying to scam free drinks or anything other than being a customer. Nobody bothered him and he blended in.
At first I didn’t know who it was, so I asked one of the comedy club workers. I’ve been a huge sports fan all my life and knew since we were in Lexington, KY which is a college basketball haven and a large black man sitting in a sports bar is allowed to stay there with no hassle it had to be a basketball player of note, not just the security guard. I was right.
Mel Turpin was a celebrity name back then. Like I said, I don’t know the exact date, but it was right around when he was drafted, and his future was very bright. He could’ve been an arrogant prima donna and I bet he could have gotten away with it, especially in a place like Lexington where basketball is a religious experience. The world was his oyster then.
As the night went on, we were shooting pool and hanging out and as fate would have it, Mel was sitting at a table near the pool tables. I was standing next to where he was sitting and he was still taller than me, but we struck up a conversation for a few minutes. I don’t even remember what it was about, but I know it wasn’t about basketball. We just talked.
He was a very decent, laid back down to earth guy. We had our exchange and at the end of the night as we left I caught his eye and waved and he waved back and that was it. But after that I was always a big Mel Turpin fan and was very sorry to see how his life played out. I’ve met a ton of full of themselves divas in my day, but not Mel Turpin in the least.
At the time, I had a brush with a celebrity. He was a hot name and life looked to be rosy for his infinite future. Not long after that he flamed out in the NBA and it spiraled all the way down to the point where he shot himself in the head before he was 50. That’s not the way any of us expect life to be, but all too often it is. I sure hope he’s in a peaceful place, being able to be the Mel Turpin I met way back when - a friendly easygoing nice person.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Michael Palascak's Big Night
Thursday July 8th, 2010 - Hot Springs, AR
I had to put a plug in today for a funny young comic named Michael Palascak, who will be making his national TV debut this evening on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. He is absolutely deserving of this shot, and I predict not only that he’ll knock it out of the park tonight, but we’ll all see a lot more of him on TV in the near future. This kid just has it.
He’s very clean cut Midwestern, and grew up in Indiana. I think he’s originally from the Chicago area and moved back, but I doubt he’ll stay very long. He’ll be headed out to Los Angeles to stay if he already isn’t out there now, and I hope he’ll remember me someday.
Like with Frank Caliendo, my act has nothing at all in common with Michael Palascak. He’s very light and goofy, with no edge at all. He’s in his twenties, and talks about living at home and being a slacker and looking for ways to stay there forever. He really is funny, and I don’t begrudge him anything. He’s got a fantastic work ethic and he’s earned this.
There are certain comedians that just have ‘it’. It’s there even when they’re not polished yet. I saw it with Frank Caliendo, and I was right. I see it with Michael Palascak too. He’s got a natural stage presence and a pronounced rhythm and he’s about as likeable as it gets.
He’s also about as non threatening as it gets, and women like him. He’s good looking, but not in the macho heart throb bad boy way. He’s self depreciating in his act and I think he’s destined for big things. He’ll get a Comedy Central special, sitcom, movie deal or all of the above. The reason I say that is not just because of his talent, this kid WORKS at it.
I’ve hosted the Monday night Rising Star Showcase shows at Zanies in Chicago for the past couple of years, and more often than not, there was Michael Palascak showing up for a guest set, video camera in hand. He ALWAYS taped himself, and was always open to a suggestion if anyone had any. I’ve always been impressed by how he’s handled himself.
Frank Caliendo has an outstanding work ethic also, and there’s another one who I think deserves all the good things he gets. He’s out there busting his ass, and I respect him for it unconditionally. Jealousy isn’t a factor with either of these guys. They worked for it all.
I’ve worked for it too. I may have had some sidetracks and distractions, but I put in a lot of time and effort and paid a lot of dues myself. I have a different path than a Michael or a Frank because they hit it a lot younger than me. IF I hit anything, it will be late in life and that has a whole different mindset. I’ll worry about that later. Tonight I cheer for Michael.
I’m flying down to Little Rock, AR with Bert Haas from Zanies to help him retrieve his father’s belongings from a storage area. We went down last year to get a car, and it was a fun time actually. I owe Bert countless favors, so when he asked it was an easy decision.
We might miss Michael Palascak’s set, but I’m sure we’ll both see it later. I know we’ll both be cheering for him though. He’s earned it, and it’s good to see a nice guy get ahead.
A Crisis Buffet
Wednesday July 7th, 2010 - Chicago, IL
I said I wanted to make Wednesdays my booking day each week, but this is ridiculous. I ended up running around most of the day trying to make deadlines, and the level of stress I was operating under was somewhere between conniption fit and full tilt cardiac arrest.
I finally received a call from the cruise ship booker who said she wants to try me out for an audition run next weekend. I’ll be out five days and need to have thirty minutes of very clean material and thirty minutes of pretty much whatever I want, within reason of course. That’s no problem. The problem was getting paperwork faxed back to her by 5 o’clock.
She sent me all kinds of new hire paperwork I was required to fill out, and of course my printer was out of ink. I usually keep a spare cartridge around, but for whatever reason not this time. I had to get in the car which was of course out of gas, and go fill up. The pumps were full, and I had to wait for the slowest bunch of gas filler monkeys I have ever seen.
Then my card didn’t work in that pump, so after three tries of swiping, I went inside and had to wait for some halfwit to scratch off lotto tickets before I could ask the fresh off the Taliban recruiting poster, non English speaking pissed off at life clerk to run it through. It took another several minutes to get him to understand English. My patience evaporated.
I filled the tank, and of course it was one of those slow fill pumps that after a couple big slices of watermelon I could urinate faster than. Then I dropped my gas cap directly under the car and had to crawl underneath to reach it, which I couldn’t. I had to move my car so I could get out and snag it, but then the next car was trying to squeeze in behind already.
Today had a full moon style weirdo vibe and it seemed like a movie was being filmed as it was one insane obstacle after the next. The interwoven synchronicity of it was eerie. When I’m not in a hurry, this never happens. The one day I’m on a deadline - it’s a crisis buffet. It was uncanny how many things were out of whack today, but I had to press on.
I sped over to Office Mega Max Outlet Warehouse Depot to get my printer ink. Out. Of course. I laughed in the guy’s face, got back in the car and then got stuck in traffic behind a preoccupied lard ass minivan mom babbling on her phone about her son Egbert’s soccer prowess. I wanted to jam that cell phone up an orifice of her choice, but I was in a hurry.
I really can’t stand that feeling of high stress, but I’ve had it a lot in my life. I needed to get this done, because the booker was going on vacation tomorrow and wouldn’t be back until next week when I’d already be out at sea. And, of course she was in Florida and that means I lose yet another hour to the time difference. This was a movie script and a half.
I got the ink, raced home, put the cartridge in my printer, ran off the stack of documents and raced to my bank to use their fax machine. I got there and of course the pen I had was out of ink. No joke. Then, I didn’t have the fax number so I had to go home and get it and that put me through the roof. It’ll be funny soon, but today it was raw, uncut pure stress.
I finally ended up filling out the paperwork, getting it faxed to the booker with maybe a three to five minute window to spare. She called and said she got it, and was actually very calm and friendly. I thanked her for the opportunity and apologized for the close call, but she said it wasn’t an issue as long as I got it to her today, which I did. But it wasn’t easy.
I hope this isn’t an omen of things to come. I like to avoid these stressful situations if at all possible, but this one was unavoidable. There was an opening, and she thought I could fill it. I’m sure a lot of other comedians could too, so I’m not complaining. This is my big chance to crack a whole new market, and I know I’m going to do fine. I’ve paid my dues.
It’s not bragging at all, I’ve earned this shot. I talked to a few people I know who have a history on the ships, and they all told me the same thing - just show up and do whatever is asked. That’s exactly what I intend to do, and not be a problem off stage. That’s the place most of the problems happen from what I hear. I’ll keep my mouth shut and be invisible.
I’m not looking for trouble, and I know how many comics behaved at clubs for all these years. There’s a certain percentage of idiots who come in and strip mine anything positive about a gig, and the next time through there are all kinds of rules made because of them.
I’ve never been like that and don’t intend to start now. I need to follow directions to the exact tee, and stay out of the way the rest of the time. That’s why it was so crucial to have this paperwork in by the end of today. That’s what the booker needed, and she said it in a very nice, clear but firm way. If I didn’t get it in, I wouldn’t be able to get this booking.
I got it in, even if it was by the skin of my teeth. I received a confirmation email saying I’ll get my itinerary for the run from her assistant, and I’ll be flying out of O’Hare airport late next week. Other than that, I have no idea where I’ll be going. It could be Haiti and a tar ball tour around the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico for all I know. That’s ok, I’ll do it.
This can’t hurt me in the least. I’ll pass the audition and be as nice as I can to everyone I meet. I’m not going to come in as the cocky diva, and I’m not egomaniacal enough to get any ideas that I’m important in any way. I’m eye candy for passengers for two short sets. I get that. Between the food and ports and activities and everything else, I’m just a speck.
That’s ok. It takes the pressure off. I’ll get to see some places I haven’t seen before and I’m never sad about that. I paid for a passport, so why not put it to good use? I just might end up enjoying this and clicking with the lifestyle. Or, I could totally hate it and this is a day I’ll look back on with scorn. I doubt it though, how bad can it be? Famous last words.
I had dinner with one of my former students, Judson Graham. He’s trying to pursue the comedy business as a career, and asked if I’d coach him through his first year. I told him I would, only if he agreed to listen and then offer an endorsement when the year is over. He has a lot of raw potential, but he’s very bright off stage and I think he’s got a lot going for him as far as intangibles go. He’s smart, good looking, Jewish and focused sharply on his goals, all I never was. That’s why I’m thrilled to get a cruise ship shot this far into it all.
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