Tuesday August 9th, 2011 - Lombard, IL Whenever I feel the slightest need to snivel about my pansy ass troubles, I always know without a doubt somebody somewhere has it a whole hell of lot worse. That’s not always enough of a comfort, because when something sucks raw sewage, it sucks raw sewage. When I was in the hospital just a couple of months ago, it looked pretty bleak for a little stretch. I had no idea what to expect, and when my surprise ended up being surgery on my strawberry patch, I thought it was game over. The pain was excruciating, but it’s all in the past and healed to the point it seems like a distant memory. I’ve lived to see another day. Yes, I have to prick my fingers with needles twice a day, but that’s not the end of living either. Actually, it’s the beginning. For the first time ever I’m really thinking about taking care of myself and making health a priority rather than a chore. I’m in a positive mind set. Today I had lunch with my former Chicago Style Standup group mate Scot Wickmann. Scot has dealt with diabetes too and graciously offered to set up a lunch with his dietician so she could share some tips with me. That was an extremely kind offer, and I accepted. Scot not only gets to enjoy the fun and frivolity of diabetes, he also gets to have kidney dialysis three times a week. Just when I thought I had troubles, I found out I totally don’t. I can eat my little salads and take my little walks, and feel a lot better in just a few weeks. Scot has to endure a never ending hellish torture thrice a week I can hardly imagine, and frankly don’t want to. It’s scary to even think about, and I don’t think most people ever do unless they have to face it themselves. I’d never thought about diabetes until I needed to. I’ve always liked Scot and we’ve gotten along very well, but today instilled a brand new level of respect for him from me after going with him to the hospital. He knew everybody and introduced us, and then we went to the cafeteria to meet up with his dietician friend. She gave me some basic pointers about when to eat and how much and said it’s not the end of the world if I blow it once in a while because everyone does. It’s all about changes for life, and I’m doing exactly that. I’ve made major changes, and am feeling much better than I did just two short months ago. Then she gave me some diabetes literature to read. It was a fun lunch and Scot was cracking jokes left and right. He went out of his way to make me feel at home, and that’s exactly the kind of thing I try to do with people in a spot like that. When it comes back around it feels extra good, and I appreciated every minute. On the way home, Scot mentioned he’s going to check out the possibility of eventually having a kidney transplant, and after that he wants to go back on the road and do comedy again. More power to him, and I can honestly say if my kidney matches I’ll give it to him. As goofy as that sounds, I’ve always thought about donating a kidney to someone in need. That’s what giving is all about. After hearing what others go through, I have no problems.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Celebrity Star Power
Monday August 8th, 2011 - Chicago, IL Boy, did it feel great to get back on stage at Zanies in Chicago this evening. No, it was a lot better than great. It was somewhere between outstanding and orgasmic. After being off stage completely for the longest period of my adult life and then having a rusty comeback show in Milwaukee last Friday, this was like a hit of the purest heroin. I‘m hooked again. I’ve been hosting the Monday Rising Star Showcases pretty steady for quite a while and by all accounts tonight was one of if not the very best ever. The club was sold out and the crowd was red hot and ready to laugh. I didn’t feel any of the rust I felt last week, and was in a groove before I even hit the stage. For whatever reason, everything was right tonight. The comics were all on fire as well, and there were 14 of them. Sometimes there can be a dud or three in the mix, and that’s how it goes. Not tonight. Everyone brought their best and it was the right night to do it because the audience was as good as it gets. This is why I’ve kept doing comedy as long as I have. That feeling never gets old. It’s an intense rush. There were even a couple of celebrities on the bill. Pat Tomasulo is the sportscaster on WGN TV’s morning news and is also a comic. He’s very funny and absolutely rocked it. I’ve seen all kinds of wannabe media monkeys who think they’re big stars rob stage time from real comics because they have a name and club owners fawn all over them. Gag. Pat didn’t do that. He was polite, waited his turn and when he got up on stage he had an act. He did a tight funny set and the audience loved him. He was a total professional and I hope I get a chance to work with him again, especially in front of such a rocking crowd. About halfway through the show Bert Haas told me Tim Meadows from Saturday Night Live had stopped in and wanted to do a guest spot. I’d never met Tim, but he was another total pro who also knocked it out of the park. The audience went wild and I saw first hand what the power of name recognition can do. It’s hypnotic. They hung on his every word. That’s not to say he wasn’t a good comic, it’s just that there’s a whole other level that’s reached when an audience knows the person on stage. That’s not possible with somebody they’ve never seen before. I’ve had literally thousands of excellent shows in my lifetime, but it only went to a certain level. They laughed, but then forgot me in the parking lot. When someone has been on their television or in movies, it’s a whole different form of bonding. The audience knows the person before they even say their first word, and that’s a huge advantage. I’ve had it very little from my radio jobs, but I’ve still experienced it to a tiny degree and it’s powerful. The electricity of being on stage is intensified even more. This was just a magical night. The 14 comics kicked major ass, especially and including Pat and Tim. I was on a roll and didn’t feel any rust at all. It was like I never left, and that was a real relief. It’d be like Dolly Parton losing her boobs. Would life go on? Sure, but it wouldn’t be as exciting as before. Standup comedy is an addiction, and I‘m still hooked.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Bless This Mess
Saturday August 6th, 2011 - Fox Lake, IL What a perplexing paradox life is. Part of it is a thrilling adventure packed with surprise and delight, while another is a bumpy slide down a disgusting foul smelling mountain of oozing raw sewage. Sometimes it goes from the one extreme to the other in a single day. Why is this? I‘m stumped like an amputee. The older I get the less of a clue I have as to what a reason is for anything or why any of us even exists. If I was in charge I’d probably wipe out at least 50% of the mopes on this planet and use them for parts. That’s about all they’re good for, and I’m usually one to give people a chance. It’s time to thin the herd. One mutt I read about this morning got my attention big time. Some 40 year old bottom feeding slime bag was arrested at the National Sports Collectors Convention I was just at two days ago for selling fake memorabilia saying it was game worn by big stars. I see that as a pretty low rent scam, but apparently he raked in copious coin with it for a long time. A similar event happened in Milwaukee years ago, and that maggot ended up blaming it on a flunky assistant and walked away scot-free. I’m glad I’m out of that business, but it’s scandalous these slimy serpents are allowed to slither our streets. They’re low life louts. Another ugly event that got my attention was the mob of black teenagers that went on a rampage at the Wisconsin State Fair and allegedly started attacking white people. I’m sad it happened, but not surprised. There’s still tension between races, but nobody steps up to talk about the real reasons it still exists. Something made them flip like that. What was it? Everybody’s so politically correct to the point of ridiculousness these days that it’s hard to inject facts on such topics. Everything is sugar coated and that doesn’t help put an end to something that should have ended decades ago. Color shouldn’t matter, but it still does. Now it’s spilling over into violence, and I don’t see a happy ending. Something’s wrong. I’ve got plenty of my own problems to deal with. What color anyone’s skin is or where their ancestors came from is of no practical interest to me at this time. I do have to say if a mob of any color teenagers starts attacking my car, I’m stomping on my gas pedal as hard as I can and going automo-bowling. But then I go to prison and the issue still isn‘t solved. I hope that puke who faked the sports memorabilia goes straight to the can and gets his fill of bunk bed bingo with a muscular 300 pound cell mate who has questionable hygiene habits. I’ve run out of patience for all dirt bags and I think the rest of us who try to live in peace will agree. Mistakes are one thing, but there are some living who are just plain bad. They come in all colors and are scattered world wide. That’s the problem. They live in a different mental zip code, but we have to share our planet with them. Can’t we find a way to exterminate some more of these useless human insects and make it a fair fight? I try to mind my own business, but that’s getting more and more difficult with everything so way out of control. I’m getting much better in my personal journey, but the world is a mess.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Use It Or Lose It
Friday August 5th, 2011- Milwaukee, WI I finally got back on stage tonight after my longest break ever - six weeks. That may not sound like a long time, but to me it feels like I’m starting all over again at ground zero. In a way I am, and it’s a very humbling experience. It’s like rehabbing from a sports injury. Whatever faults I have and mistakes I’ve made, and there are many, one thing I’ve been able to keep through all of it is my comedy chops. I started doing open mics in November of 1983 and I’ve stayed with it through hell, high water and everything else. I knew it was crucial to keep myself in tune, as like a muscle it would atrophy if I stopped working out. Even when I’ve had morning radio jobs and had to be up at 4am, I always made time to keep myself in a comedy groove. I sacrificed sleep, dates, going to sporting events, seeing the latest TV shows or movies for 20 years and who knows what else - but it was worth it. I made a commitment to myself to be the best comedian I could possibly be, and I did it. No matter what got in the way of that, and a lot of things tried, I made comedy my main priority and was very diligent about it. Had I done the same with my health for that long a period, I probably wouldn’t have to deal with my diabetes issues but that’s life. We make choices, and then deal with the consequences. It’s too late now, those choices were made. I’m choosing to continue comedy, but not like before. I can’t keep doing it like that, and I don’t want to. Pulling all night promenades to prowl the Podunk places for piss poor pay is preposterous, but I still want to maintain my stage chops. I need to redirect my effort. I was actually nervous before the show tonight, and that never happens. I felt like it was my first time up, and I was pacing back and forth like a rookie. I hadn’t felt that in a long time, and I laughed because it was unexpected. All these years later, I’ve come full circle. The show tonight was part of the Milwaukee Comedy Festival which is becoming a very solid annual event. It’s run by a guy named Matt Kemple and a group of others who are a pleasure to work with. The shows include sketch comedy, improv, and standup too. It’s a great mix, and there’s a lot of talent in one place. I’m thrilled to be asked to participate. Matt and his whole crew are really on the ball. They’re all in their twenties, and it’s nice to see how hungry they are to keep comedy going. They’re totally doing it right by getting media exposure and making it into a yearly event. They’ve got a super slick website that’s worth checking out at www.milwaukeecomedy.com. I’m impressed with the whole event. I did a ten minute set tonight and was so rusty I’m surprised I didn’t squeak. I stumbled my way through it and got some laughs, but didn’t have the rhythm I’m used to. I felt like someone trying to throw a ball with the opposite hand. My brain knew what to do, but my muscles weren’t following. The audience was polite and I didn’t embarrass myself, but it wasn’t the kind of performance I know I can give. I’ll have to work hard to recapture that groove, and I can only do it by getting on stage and performing. ‘Use it or lose it’ is true.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Card Game Over
Thursday August 4th, 2011 - Rosemont, IL Forty years, and I‘ve finally had my fill. That’s how long I’ve been farting around with sports cards, and it’s time to move on. It was a lot of fun, and I did make at least a couple of bucks…at times - but it’s over. It took four decades, but I’ve completely lost interest. Part of it is the hobby has changed and the other part is that I have changed. Pictures of men in sports uniforms don’t do the same thing they did for me as a kid full of hopes and dreams of maybe having my own mug on a card some day. They don’t do anything at all. I loved sports cards as a kid. I would open each pack with a surgical precision and savor the pink slab of bubble gum which probably had a big hand in me getting diagnosed with diabetes all these years later. It also contributed to my dental hell - but it tasted SO good. The smell of the gum hovered over the scene as either a group of buddies or just me had the exquisite pleasure of thumbing through a new stack of jock heroes to worship, hoping to strike childhood gold with either a major superstar or someone from a hometown team. Growing up in Milwaukee, the Brewers and Packers were pretty bad for the majority of my childhood, but their players were still gods to us as kids and we fought over them like they were Hall of Famers. We knew all their statistics, and their pictures were etched into our brains permanently. Even today, when I see some of those cards I go right back there. That’s the appeal of the sports card hobby, and that’s why prices of some of them get so outrageous. Kids grow up, but those memories are still there. Adults have money and can afford to buy back part of their childhoods later. I get the concept. It’s a very strong urge. Then, like in most good things, greed eventually came in and ruined it all. People saw a quick buck and then they started producing way too much product and the game changed from a fun and somewhat innocent childhood pastime to an adult money grubbing game. I have to admit I got hooked into that too, and I tried my hand and wheeling and dealing several times. I’d buy collections and set up at card shows, and once in a while I’d do OK. Other times I’d need money and sell everything and start over. Sometimes I’d get out of it for a few years, but then I’d get the itch and get back in. It’s been a constant ebb and flow. Today I went to the National Sports Collectors Show in Rosemont, IL. That is the grand poobah of all card shows, and the biggest dealers all come in to one place. It’s been going on over thirty years, and I used to look forward to it every year. It rotates locations, but is often in Chicago so I’ve gotten to go quite a few times. Today I realized it passed me by. I went with my friend Richard Caan from Milwaukee who sells cards full time on Ebay. He’s a great guy, and has helped me liquidate my remaining inventory and had some cash for me today. I decided to take in the show to enjoy the treasures, but halfway through my first lap I knew I was done. It was fun for four decades, but now I have other things to do.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The X Factor
Wednesday August 3rd, 2011 - Rockford, IL Back to Rockford, IL for an on air visit with my good buddies ‘Stone and Double T’ on ‘WXRX - The X’. I really enjoy hanging out with those guys, even though I have no clue if anyone who listens to them enjoys what I do. It’s a heavy rock station that plays music I would never listen to by choice on my own, but the guys themselves are very entertaining. They have all kinds of guests on from hockey players and coaches from their local team the Ice Hogs to celebrities on the phone to anyone else they feel like talking to. It’s a very eclectic mix and it sounds very good in my opinion. They get huge ratings, and whenever I’m asked to be on I’ll always say yes. They have me on for the whole show and it’s fun. Rockford still intrigues me as a business opportunity. It’s extremely blue collar and has been hit especially hard by the economy’s woes, but there are about 250,000 people in the metro area and I have to believe at least some of them want to laugh. There have been one night gigs that have come and gone over the years but never a long running full time club. I don’t know if I’d have the guts to try a full time comedy room there, but I’d sure like a chance to parlay my on air relationship with Stone and Double T to do several shows each year. I know a crowd is out there, it’s just a matter of getting them to show up as a group. A while back Jim Stone got a call from a UAW union hall asking for a list of comics he might know that would be interested in putting on a show in their space. Stone called me and I called my friends Jim McHugh and Steve Purcell and we went in there and really lit it up for those people. It was a fantastic show, and I have to believe there are more to do. There are also people who live in the surrounding areas who have no live entertainment at all to speak of. If people like Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick still call this area home, how horrible can it be? I don’t want to be greedy, but I think there can be some business here. I got my exercise walk in before I left, and also a healthy breakfast of oatmeal sprinkled with walnuts, poached eggs and some vegetables. It still shocks me that I’m ordering stuff like this on purpose, but I’m trying to develop new habits that will produce new results. My theory of making my main base of operations be Chicago, Milwaukee, Madison and Rockford still could work in my opinion, and that’s another reason I went out there today. I wanted to explore the area a little more and I saw there’s a Rockford College. Maybe I’d be able to teach a comedy class, or find a community college with continuing education. Whatever the case, I’m planting seeds in the area by being a semi regular on the radio. I wish I had a better picture of who their listeners are, but I know they have big time ratings numbers so someone has them on. It’s my job to find out who that is and get them out for a comedy show. Maybe it’s not possible and there’s a reason a full time club never lasted, but since I live so close and have the advantage of radio exposure whenever I want it, it’s worth my time and effort to keep showing up. If nothing else, it’s fun. Today was a blast.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday Troubles
Tuesday August 2nd, 2011 - Fox Lake, IL A couple of bumps in the road today, but nothing to qualify as a disaster. The first was a phone call from my friend Don Learned in Houston to tell me his club closed, which kind of throws a wet blanket on the week of work I had booked there in September. It’s a good thing I waited to buy my plane ticket, as I would’ve been out all the money for that too. This is how the business works, and every week is technically a risk. Don is a great guy and also a comic, and he understands the game from both sides. He was totally apologetic on the phone, but apparently he had some problems with the landlord about some kind of plumbing issue and he was forced to close the doors. Another outlet for work off the list. He may or may not reopen, but that doesn’t help me for September. I’ve got a giant hole in my calendar where a booking was, and even though it was far away it was for a person I like in a town I like. I’m sorry I won’t be going, but that’s the state of the business now. Fortunately, my old stand by in a pinch Zanies in Chicago has come through once again as they’ve done so many times before. There was a fallout the week following the one I’d booked in Houston, so I’ll be able to pay my rent for October and maybe even have a few bucks left to buy a couple of bowls of oatmeal and some vegetables. I’ll squeak through. I am SO grateful to Bert Haas from Zanies for taking care of me once again. He didn’t have to give me that week, and I won’t let him or anyone else down. I haven’t been able to get on stage in a while now, but I’ll light it up that week. I’m ready to turn it loose. The other situation that has my attention is a toothache that’s been getting worse for the last couple of days. As if I haven’t had enough trouble with my hospital adventure, now I have dental pain. I’ve had more than my share of that in my life and I’m afraid to go back to the dentist and hear I need another root canal or other ugly money sucking procedure. I don’t have any money to suck right now. The timing would be horrendous, but that’s the way it’s always been so I’m used to it by now. I’m not going to panic, and see how it feels in the next few days. Life sure doesn’t get any easier, especially without insurance. I refuse to lose this good space I’m in though. If I have to go to a dentist, I’ll go, it will get fixed, and I’ll pay for it however I can scrape it together. I’m surprised to learn I have teeth left that haven’t been fixed, but apparently there’s at least one more. I feel it throb. That didn’t stop me from getting out and doing a killer walk today. The weather was as perfect as it can get for August - sunny but not too hot or humid, and I took advantage of it and went out for over an hour. I came back drenched, but knew I’d had a great workout. I can’t quit now, and I’m not going to. I’m sorry the week in Houston got scrapped, but at least I got the Zanies gig to see me through. They’re also running comedy classes in the fall, and that will help too. My loyalty for all these years is paying a handsome dividend.
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