Can't Stop Now

Tuesday October 1^st, 2013 – Fox Lake, IL

   October 1^st? Already? I haven’t mailed my Valentine’s Day cards yet, but we’re already in the 4^th quarter of 2013. I try to stay current, but I’m only fooling myself. This feels like one big April Fool’s prank, but I know it’s real. Time is sliding away like a runaway toboggan, and I feel like it bucked me off a while ago. All I can do is watch it get smaller as it races down the hill. Bye bye.

   This has been a very eventful year so far. I’ve done a lot of fun things, but financially it’s been a major bust. I’ve got less money now than I can ever remember, and that is causing major stress on a daily basis. I need to plug into a steady source of income, and I’m looking for it every day.

   Emotionally, I’ve become a human yo-yo. One day I’m bullet proof and ready to take on every challenge there is, and the next I’m ready to donate my organs and turn in my keys. Some people might call that bipolar. I call it the life of a dented can entertainer. There are big ups and downs.

   I feel like I’m out at sea in a dinghy during a typhoon. I’m at the mercy of the sea – frightening as that may be. I’m bobbing around with no real direction, and whenever I try to find one a force far stronger than me sends me wherever it wants. After a while, it all becomes so overwhelming.

   If there were hatches to batten down, I would. But a dinghy doesn’t have hatches. It’s exposed, and the waves come blasting up over the sides. I could read all the books I want on how to steer, but when those winds start blowing none of it matters. There’s nothing to do but wait things out.

   The fact is, I really need a break. I have paid decades of dues and even those who think I’m The Antichrist will admit I have ability. Why it’s been this difficult to land somewhere and stay put is far out of my realm of comprehension. All I want is the opportunity to work in a field where I’ve been given gifts, and earn a decent living. It’s either feast or famine - and right now it’s famine.

   All it would take is ONE little break to turn my whole life around, but where is it? In my mind, I should be working as a comedian every week – or at least every weekend – to full houses with people there to see me. I’d also love a steady radio gig and to continue teaching comedy classes.

   Charity functions would also be a priority, and I would be the nicest guy anyone has ever seen. I would sign every autograph and pose for every picture, and make people feel special like we all want. It would be The Golden Rule in action, and we would all be better as humanity. Why isn’t it happening? I was ready for it years ago, but I seem to be going farther away rather than closer.

   I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it feels like I’m never going to make it. I work harder than any other comedian I know personally, but it doesn’t pay off. It feels like I’m trying to get a new roll of toilet paper started, but I can’t find the first square to get things going. It’s frustrating me to no end, and I’m trying everything in my power to make something happen. What else is there to do?

   The only consoling fact I can think of is that there have been a lot of people that have gotten to the point I am – and that’s when something popped. Lewis Black tells how he’d resigned himself to the fact he wasn’t going to make it, and that’s when he got a break with Comedy Central. I am way past the point of no return, so there’s nothing for me to do but keep on working even harder.

Life can be an emotional yo-yo.

The fourth quarter of 2013 is here.

Blockbuster Needed

Monday September 30^th, 2013 – Fox Lake, IL

   I read an article years ago about Mario Puzo, author of “The Godfather”. What I found to be of interest was that he had intentionally set out to write a blockbuster, something he’d be known for to the masses and would bring him money. He’d written some other books that had received high critical praise but hadn’t gotten him anywhere, and he had a wife and five kids he needed to feed.

   I also remember seeing an interview with Gene Simmons of KISS, and he talked about both he and Paul Stanley setting out to create the ultimate band they had never seen or heard but wanted to as fans. They wanted to create an ultimate fan experience that would turn them into superstars.

   Both Mario Puzo and KISS have done more than well, but I also recall listening to an interview with Quincy Jones not too long ago talking about the creative process behind Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. He said everybody who ever sets out to make a record thinks they’re going to change the world, but there are factors beyond anyone’s control and if it happens it’s entirely by chance.

   I think Quincy Jones is one of the most brilliantly creative minds of our time and what he says has validity, but I’ll bet Michael didn’t look at it that way. He was coming off a wildly successful “Off The Wall” album, and was firing on all cylinders. He was looking to rule the music world.

   All of these examples swirl in my head as I sit and think about what I can do to create a similar sensation in the comedy world. I don’t know exactly what that is, but I sure know what it isn’t – plain white males telling randomly assembled jokes and routines. That’s not the way to make an impact these days, even though it worked for many years. Those days are gone and won’t return.

   The world has simply changed too much for that model to remain relevant. It used to be if one could manage to get on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson or maybe David Letterman, there would be a large enough audience where it could make enough of an impact to launch a career. If Johnny happened to think an act was funny, he or she became the golden child of show business.

   It’s no longer that way, as there isn’t any single outlet that can make anyone that quickly – with the possible exception of You Tube. Something can still go globally viral in a short time, but that doesn’t guarantee anyone stardom. Recognition and stardom are not at all the same. Any frat boy can light a bottle rocket out of his poop shoot and film it, but how does that translate into money?

   There used to be a circle of industry people that would watch The Tonight Show, and they’d be fighting the next day to get a piece of any new meat that made an impression the night before. In this new setup, it’s everyone for him or herself and no one path is the right one to take anymore.

   The good news is, I realize the pickle I’m in and am looking to do something about it. The bad news is I have to survive month to month doing what I’ve done my entire adult life. I might have made a living doing it, but it wasn’t the recipe to be a superstar. I need to revamp my approach.

   I don’t think my ego needs to be a superstar, but my wallet could sure use it. I would be able to help so many others, and that would be my ultimate end focus. Mario Puzo and KISS succeeded, why couldn’t I pull it off too? My gut feeling is that my secret of success emanates from Uranus.

Mario Puzo set out to write a blockbuster that would pay him money - and he did!

Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley wanted to create "the band they never heard or saw" - and they did!

Was luck involved here? Some, but there was also a LOT of talent.

It's always FUNNY when it comes from URANUS!

One Man Bind

Sunday September 29^th, 2013 – Fox Lake, IL

   I’m working about as hard as a one man band can, but it’s becoming very obvious I need to put a functioning team together if I’m ever going to rise above my current level of achievement. That can be a challenge for anyone, but it’s especially tough for anyone with deep rooted trust issues.

   Dented cans share the unfortunate common experience of being deeply scorched emotionally at an early age – usually by those closest to us that are traditionally supposed to be our most trusted and biggest supporters. Are there any strippers or porn stars that don’t have some daddy tweak?  

   What about serial killers? Do any of them come from healthy and productive homes? There are almost always exceptions to every rule, but try as I might I can’t think of even one example here. I highly doubt Ted Bundy’s pop took him fishing every summer or his mom baked him cookies.

   I realize nobody’s life is perfect and we all have humps in our past we’re trying to get over, but some of us have had to go through certain levels of hell that were simply not designed for a child of any age to endure. It’s not our fault, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to live with the pain.

   There are only a precious few I can talk about this with who truly get it. My cousin Brett is one and my friend Max Bumgardner is another. Most others will casually say “Get over it,” or “Let it go.” That’s like telling an alcoholic to “Stop drinking” and expect that to be a one time cure all.

   It didn’t help that I chose the career with the biggest failure and rejection rate of all, but maybe it was because I’m so used to disappointment it just felt comfortable. At this point I don’t have a clue other than I know I need to do something other than I have been doing. That isn’t working.

   If I’m ever going to have a chance at the big prize, I’m going to have to trust someone – even if it ends up grinding my heart into confetti as it has so many times before. That doesn’t sound very appealing, but it’s a risk all winners must take. It’s just harder for dented cans, as we’ve felt such severe pain when everything blows up. It clouds our thinking when it comes to picturing success.

   I wish I didn’t have to talk about this at all, but it’s very real and I put it out there because I am by far not the only one dealing with it. I know for a fact it has held me back in many areas of my life from business to personal relationships, and if I don’t overcome it soon I will never succeed.

   Today I went through all the projects I’m working on, and came up with a list of the top dozen people I think could help me most right now. That would be a great place to start practicing what I’m preaching, and throw it out there. I have a rock solid list of contacts, but I am often reluctant to ask for anything because I’m afraid I’ll owe them or something. I don’t know, but it’s a quirk.

   I read an article recently that talked about the way to get over one’s biggest fear is to look right down the barrel of the gun and do it anyway. It takes a prodigious pair to pull that off, but I have rarely backed down from challenges in my life so it’s either get it done or live a life unfulfilled.

   I need to be the head of several winning teams for all my projects to succeed. Period. I can’t do it myself, and I’d be stupid for trying. As much as it scares me, I need to trust some other people.

Time Well Spent

Saturday September 28^th, 2013 – Buffalo Grove, IL

   No matter what anyone’s religious beliefs happen to be, there are a few concepts that fit in well across the board in all circumstances. These are not necessarily based in religion at all, but rather common sense principles that should be practiced by everyone who draws breath on this planet.

   The Golden Rule is high on top of this list in my opinion. What a fantastic idea, and even more fantastic when it gets carried out. It doesn’t take any religious affiliation to practice this concept, and it’s a mystery to me why more people don’t do it. A wonderful world it would be if they did.

   Tithing is another. That means to give at least ten percent of one’s income away to help others. This concept often gets abused on both sides. Givers try to weasel out of it, and takers view it as a bottomless party fund. Discretion needs to be used, but when it is tithing is good for everyone.

   My grandfather wasn’t religious at all, but he taught me both of these concepts at an early age. I’m so glad he did, as they have both done me extremely well. The Golden Rule isn’t difficult to practice once one gets into the habit, and I’ve been doing it since childhood. I do slip up once in a while as we all do, but as a whole I think I’ve done pretty well. It has been a priority in my life.

   Tithing has also been rewarding to the highest degree, and it’s not always money. Sometimes if I’m running lean I’ll make a point to donate 10% of my time instead. When times are good I will even do both. Giving has become a habit, and I’ve never regretted any time I’ve had the chance.

   Today I had the chance to participate in a charity event for the American Diabetes Association. It was a four mile walk in Buffalo Grove, IL and I really had fun. My friend Marc Schultz called to ask if I wanted to walk with him and his family, and of course I said yes. Marc was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 2012, the year after I was. It was a natural fit that we both did this walk.

   Charity events always attract an upbeat group of people, and that alone makes it worth my time to show up. I’ve never once seen a fight break out, and that’s beyond refreshing. Everyone is laid back, and there are usually people of all races there who have lost someone to whatever disease.

   Everyone involved is polite, friendly and courteous, and there’s always a good vibe associated with the entire event. Today was no exception, and the weather happened to be outstanding so it was an absolutely perfect day. If I had my way, I’d participate in a charity every single weekend.

   One of my grandfather’s favorite quotes was from Abraham Lincoln who said “No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child.” I realize everyone with type 2 diabetes isn’t a child, but the principle still holds true. Making the effort to help is never wasted, and I will always show up whenever possible. Without that, what is the purpose of life? Helping others is the highest honor.

   If more people would make charity work part of their lives, it would dramatically improve life on so many levels. There wouldn’t be time to squabble about insignificant things – and it’s ALL insignificant if it doesn’t help others, at least in my opinion. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else, but when I participate in events like this it makes me feel like I’m doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. At the end of the day, it always feels like I received far more than I gave.

It was worth every step of my four mile walk to be able to help the cause.