Thursday June 3rd, 2010 - Chicago, IL
Day three of ‘Operation World Change’ and the cracks are already showing. It’s just not possible to change around an entire life in a week. Or a month. Or even a year. The Queen Mary couldn’t do U-turns either. Major changes have to be planned for very carefully and then executed gradually over time. I need to condition myself and develop positive habits.
Physical exercise is a good one. I did get out and walk today but it wasn’t at the mall. It takes time to drive there and back and I woke up a little later than I wanted to today so the cracks started there. I could have blown it off altogether, but I didn’t want to do that only three days into it. I need to develop continuity, and one way or another I intended to do it.
There’s a nice little city park a block from where I live and it has a walking trail around it with a tennis court and small pond next to it. There were some geese with babies in it as I walked past, and as I took laps the parents would hiss at me and try to shoo me from the babies. There was also randomly scattered goose poop for me to dodge as an obstacle.
I broke a sweat and was sore when I got back, so it was definitely a workout. The act of taking a planned walk of at least 30 minutes a day has to be part of my daily regimen, but I can see where it will be a challenge to get it in. I was late for an appointment but forced myself to make time. That’s fine for three days, but can I do this for the rest of my life?
We’ll see. The fact is I’m probably going to miss a day in the near future and I can’t let that take the whole program out. I need to get right back out there and do it again and not let it beat me. These first few days are important, so I’m glad I was able to keep it rolling. This life thing is a lot more difficult than they let on in the brochure. This is hard work.
I also kept my booking improvement quest rolling by having a lunch with Marc Schultz where we actually talked about bookings. Our mutual friend Chuck Field came with us to add his input, as he’s the one who hooked Marc and I up several years ago. Chuck is one of the best network builders I’ve ever seen, and I wanted to learn from him and get better.
Both Chuck and Marc offered some very good suggestions, and said I’m already ahead of the pack of most comedians just because I’m coming at it with an enthusiastic attitude. I agree that most performers hate the booking side of it, and I need to be better than that.
It’s like special teams in football. Nobody really wants to be on those teams, everybody wants to be a starter. But, it’s a part of the game and an important one and if it’s mastered correctly it can help win the big one. Special teams stresses fundamentals and can be very dangerous if one doesn’t watch extra closely during the game. Bookings are very similar.
All this keeps me very humble. I’m sure Elvis or Michael Jackson didn’t have to worry about sitting down and making booking calls every week, but they had other problems to keep them busy. This is long overdue, and I’m doing the right thing. I also need to keep a watchful eye on my onstage growth too. That also needs attention. It’s always something.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Bookings Overdue
Wednesday June 2nd, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL
Day two of my umpteen thousandth life reboot program, and this is where it usually has a tendency to fall apart. It’s difficult to do anything consistently, especially something this complicated and ambitious. I want to revolutionize my whole life, and that‘s no small job.
I did get my fanny back in the mall and take my lap, and that’s a good thing. I felt every bit of it, but at least I did it. Two days won’t make me into an Olympian, but it’s two days in a row. Now I need three. Then a week. Then a month, two months, a year and so forth.
My tendencies have always leaned toward action, but lack of a big picture plan is one of my major weaknesses. My friend Bill Mihalic sent me an email a year ago telling me how he thought I could achieve my goals, and I was grateful he did. He sent me another saying a lot of the same things and that’s probably a hint that I haven’t executed his suggestions.
I really think my intentions are good, but I’m just so damn scattered. I’ve always had to make my own way in life, and I’ll admit my trust issues even now are very evident. I have to survive month to month, and it’s hard to think anywhere past that, although I know I’m not smart in not doing that. I’m a one man band, and that’s just not going to get it done.
The best race car driver in the world needs a pit crew. I’m to the point where I need one too. I’ll have to pay them, and I don’t mind that at all - but I need to up my income quite a bit for that to happen. I need to delegate tasks, but still be in control of the steering wheel.
That’s where I’m having my problem. I just don’t trust people. Part of it comes from my childhood I’m sure. My mother abandoned me when I was five months old, and that’s had to have had a ripple effect somewhere. If I can’t trust my own mother, who else is there?
Then there was my childhood best friend Timbo who robbed the bank where he used to work and tried to blame it on me. He was closer than my own flesh and blood brother and when I had to testify against him in court it not only broke my heart, it built even more of a brick wall around my heart and made letting people in even harder. That one really hurt.
It’s the same with women too. Every woman I’ve ever dated has at some point said that they’re frustrated because I don’t ‘let her in’. And I guess I don’t. I’m very guarded with a lot of my inner delicate intimate things that get shared between people that are close, both in love and in business. When I have opened up, even a little, I’ve gotten boned big time.
I still haven’t gotten over my ex business partner’s little embezzlement stunt that really put me in the trick bag. I had to start completely over with a new website, mailing list and a few thousand dollars less than I had before due to his sticky fingers. Trust is a big issue.
Still, I’m going to have to learn to deal with this if I’m going to make any real progress. I have to pick my battles, and some things I’m going to have to just let go of and let other people have control. I thought about this the whole time I was walking through the mall.
Where I can make my biggest change for the good is how I deal with all of this. I’m not the first person in history to have trust issues. I read where Dick Van Dyke never let even his brother Jerry inside his personal inner world. Who knows why that is? Dick Van Dyke is also a creative type, left handed, and maybe some of it just goes with how we’re built.
This is deep stuff, and probably boring for most to read, but I’m delving into it because I know I’m not the only one who deals with this. Not only the trust issues, but also having major dissatisfaction with most areas of life. Rather than accept it, I want to conquer it.
Two days of a little exercise is good, but there’s a lot more to it than that. I need to keep that up, but also start implementing more regimented things a little bit at a time. I can’t do it all in a day or a week or even a year, but I can make daily progress and this is part of it.
One major flaming mess in my life that needs cleaning up very badly is the entire way I go about my comedy business from a booking standpoint. I flat out SUCK at it, so it sure won’t be difficult to make major strides in a very short time. I can really use a fresh start.
Most entertainers absolutely despise both dealing with bookers and the whole booking process itself, myself included, but it’s a necessary evil so the smart thing to do is learn to embrace it. It really isn’t all that difficult, it’s a matter of persistence. It’s a sales process, and that’s not a bad thing. Some people sell widgets or doorknobs, I sell my comedy act.
I have a lot of self help audio, and I listened to a fantastic program today by one of my favorite authors named Joe Girard. He’s ‘the world’s greatest salesman’ because he sold cars for years and set all kinds of records. I like his approach and really listened to what he had to say with a whole new interest. It lit a fire under me and I need one about now.
Part of my problem is that I’ve achieved enough of a reputation where bookers now call me. That’s great in one way, but also stopped me from pushing myself to pursue the best gigs for the top pay in the best venues. I’ve always been able to get by with minor effort.
Now, I’m in a position where I need to totally revamp and reinvent myself. I can use an entire makeover of my sales prospects, press kit and sales package, method of contacting those who can book me, and schedule of when to do it. Waiting for a call out of the blue worked for a lot longer than it should have, and I’m lucky it did. Now I need some skills.
I can think of about ten bookers I could call immediately, and probably get some work just for calling. I haven’t been to Salt Lake City for Keith Stubbs at Wiseguys in a while, and there’s no reason for it other than I haven’t called him. He usually calls me, but he’s got a new baby and a radio show and he’s got his own life. He’d book me immediately.
He has a friend in Seattle, and I know I could get that one too. Calgary is another club I enjoy and haven’t been there in a while for no good reason. Houston is another. Nashville Zanies is another. Indianapolis. Reno. KC. These are just places I haven’t called in a long time. There’s a whole list of other places I’ve never called at all. I’ve got my work to do.
Day two of my umpteen thousandth life reboot program, and this is where it usually has a tendency to fall apart. It’s difficult to do anything consistently, especially something this complicated and ambitious. I want to revolutionize my whole life, and that‘s no small job.
I did get my fanny back in the mall and take my lap, and that’s a good thing. I felt every bit of it, but at least I did it. Two days won’t make me into an Olympian, but it’s two days in a row. Now I need three. Then a week. Then a month, two months, a year and so forth.
My tendencies have always leaned toward action, but lack of a big picture plan is one of my major weaknesses. My friend Bill Mihalic sent me an email a year ago telling me how he thought I could achieve my goals, and I was grateful he did. He sent me another saying a lot of the same things and that’s probably a hint that I haven’t executed his suggestions.
I really think my intentions are good, but I’m just so damn scattered. I’ve always had to make my own way in life, and I’ll admit my trust issues even now are very evident. I have to survive month to month, and it’s hard to think anywhere past that, although I know I’m not smart in not doing that. I’m a one man band, and that’s just not going to get it done.
The best race car driver in the world needs a pit crew. I’m to the point where I need one too. I’ll have to pay them, and I don’t mind that at all - but I need to up my income quite a bit for that to happen. I need to delegate tasks, but still be in control of the steering wheel.
That’s where I’m having my problem. I just don’t trust people. Part of it comes from my childhood I’m sure. My mother abandoned me when I was five months old, and that’s had to have had a ripple effect somewhere. If I can’t trust my own mother, who else is there?
Then there was my childhood best friend Timbo who robbed the bank where he used to work and tried to blame it on me. He was closer than my own flesh and blood brother and when I had to testify against him in court it not only broke my heart, it built even more of a brick wall around my heart and made letting people in even harder. That one really hurt.
It’s the same with women too. Every woman I’ve ever dated has at some point said that they’re frustrated because I don’t ‘let her in’. And I guess I don’t. I’m very guarded with a lot of my inner delicate intimate things that get shared between people that are close, both in love and in business. When I have opened up, even a little, I’ve gotten boned big time.
I still haven’t gotten over my ex business partner’s little embezzlement stunt that really put me in the trick bag. I had to start completely over with a new website, mailing list and a few thousand dollars less than I had before due to his sticky fingers. Trust is a big issue.
Still, I’m going to have to learn to deal with this if I’m going to make any real progress. I have to pick my battles, and some things I’m going to have to just let go of and let other people have control. I thought about this the whole time I was walking through the mall.
Where I can make my biggest change for the good is how I deal with all of this. I’m not the first person in history to have trust issues. I read where Dick Van Dyke never let even his brother Jerry inside his personal inner world. Who knows why that is? Dick Van Dyke is also a creative type, left handed, and maybe some of it just goes with how we’re built.
This is deep stuff, and probably boring for most to read, but I’m delving into it because I know I’m not the only one who deals with this. Not only the trust issues, but also having major dissatisfaction with most areas of life. Rather than accept it, I want to conquer it.
Two days of a little exercise is good, but there’s a lot more to it than that. I need to keep that up, but also start implementing more regimented things a little bit at a time. I can’t do it all in a day or a week or even a year, but I can make daily progress and this is part of it.
One major flaming mess in my life that needs cleaning up very badly is the entire way I go about my comedy business from a booking standpoint. I flat out SUCK at it, so it sure won’t be difficult to make major strides in a very short time. I can really use a fresh start.
Most entertainers absolutely despise both dealing with bookers and the whole booking process itself, myself included, but it’s a necessary evil so the smart thing to do is learn to embrace it. It really isn’t all that difficult, it’s a matter of persistence. It’s a sales process, and that’s not a bad thing. Some people sell widgets or doorknobs, I sell my comedy act.
I have a lot of self help audio, and I listened to a fantastic program today by one of my favorite authors named Joe Girard. He’s ‘the world’s greatest salesman’ because he sold cars for years and set all kinds of records. I like his approach and really listened to what he had to say with a whole new interest. It lit a fire under me and I need one about now.
Part of my problem is that I’ve achieved enough of a reputation where bookers now call me. That’s great in one way, but also stopped me from pushing myself to pursue the best gigs for the top pay in the best venues. I’ve always been able to get by with minor effort.
Now, I’m in a position where I need to totally revamp and reinvent myself. I can use an entire makeover of my sales prospects, press kit and sales package, method of contacting those who can book me, and schedule of when to do it. Waiting for a call out of the blue worked for a lot longer than it should have, and I’m lucky it did. Now I need some skills.
I can think of about ten bookers I could call immediately, and probably get some work just for calling. I haven’t been to Salt Lake City for Keith Stubbs at Wiseguys in a while, and there’s no reason for it other than I haven’t called him. He usually calls me, but he’s got a new baby and a radio show and he’s got his own life. He’d book me immediately.
He has a friend in Seattle, and I know I could get that one too. Calgary is another club I enjoy and haven’t been there in a while for no good reason. Houston is another. Nashville Zanies is another. Indianapolis. Reno. KC. These are just places I haven’t called in a long time. There’s a whole list of other places I’ve never called at all. I’ve got my work to do.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
RIghting My Exercises
Tuesday June 1st, 2010 - St. Charles, IL
Nobody can change the world in a day, so I didn’t try. My goal was to put in as solid of a work day as I could, and I think I did. I got up extra early and my main focus was to get back in the mall and start walking again. I haven’t done it in way too long and I need to.
I know I can walk in my neighborhood and get the same results, but I like the process of doing laps in the mall because it feels like I can measure it better. Gurnee Mills is a larger than normal mall, and it’s mostly on one level. Stairs are minimal, and it just feels right.
I let my mind go as I start walking and ideas start bouncing around like ping pong balls in a tornado. I’ve learned to keep a pen and at least a couple of 3x5 cards with me because when I start getting a flow going, I have to write notes down or I’ll lose some good ideas.
It’s been a while since I’ve had any kind of an exercise flow going and I really thought I was going to die about ten minutes into it. My days of endless youthful energy are finally over, and I don’t see them coming back any time soon. I’m going to have to earn any and all acceptable levels of physical fitness with plain old hard work. I resign myself to that.
I had many years of eating whatever I wanted, and I sure didn’t cheat myself. I’ve eaten some of the best food in North America, and it was delicious beyond imagination. Now I need to work it all out of my veins and colon or I’ll be a statistic a lot sooner than later.
I’m totally fine with it, and am not complaining. I let myself get this far out of shape by not putting any effort into my health for years. I can’t expect to turn into Charles Atlas in a week, or even a year. This has got to be a life long pursuit, even if my life ends in a few days with my heart bursting like a pimple. A half assed effort is just not going to do it.
The weather was great and I drank a water in the car as I drove to the mall. I didn’t have the radio on, and I just thought about not only my day, but what I want to do with the rest of my life. Every facet of my life can use a major overhaul, and I tried to put a razor sharp clear picture of the finished product in my head. It felt great that I even got to the mall.
My goal was to do at least two complete laps, but I was about ready to keel over and die after only one. I’m a lot more out of shape than I thought, and I felt it after that first lap of torture. I tend to lose myself in thought as I walk, but I drifted in and out and felt my heart pumping and my legs aching and I didn’t want to push it. One lap was enough for today.
I was scheduled to meet up with my old radio buddy Steve Perks, who I’ve known for a long time from my days at 95 WIIL in Kenosha. He’s very funny, and a talented radio guy and he’s got the itch to get back on the air. In my opinion, he should have his pick of jobs.
But alas, radio is just as much or more political than comedy and he’s in the same boat a lot of us radio geeks are - not in the good old boy network. Radio, more than any other field I know, is totally about kissing the right ass of the right person who hires air talent.
That’s just how it is, and I’ve never been good at it and neither has Perks. We’ve never even tried to suck up to management, and that’s probably the main reason we’re both not working right now. We’re interested in creating entertaining broadcasts, and management is interested in selling commercial spots to car dealers, restaurants and anyone who pays.
It is what it is, but neither one of us like it. We both bitched and moaned about it over a healthy breakfast at the Golden Corral in Gurnee, my favorite place. There are all kinds of hottie waitresses there, and I focused on eating fruits and fiber and not bacon and gravy as per usual. I forced myself to be good, and it worked. One day down, the rest of life to go.
Let’s see if I can keep it up every day for three months. This is the time of year when it should be easiest, even if I don’t get to the mall. There are sidewalks and even some trails near where I live and the weather will be warm enough where I have NO excuses for not getting my ass out there and exercising. Even in the rain, I need to do this EVERY DAY.
This afternoon I shrunk a substantial number of emails off my pile, and that felt great as well. I took care of the booking issue with Northern Lights Theater and am now rebooked for the week of September 11th. I also was asked to do a private show earlier that Saturday so I’ll end up having a nice week. It’s down in ink, and the booker and I are both in sync.
I also had to submit a press release to some media outlets in Louisville, KY where I will be next week, working at The Comedy Caravan. I made contact with the local newspaper, and they asked for a picture and said they would run something in next Friday’s edition.
The club also asked if I’d record some radio spots, which they’ll run next week. I asked Perks if he’d help me record them, and he said he would. He’s got a studio at home like a lot of radio people do, and he lives about five minutes from me so we’ll do it tomorrow. I know he’ll do a great job, and I think we can do some other recording in the near future.
Tonight I taught a comedy class at Zanies in St. Charles, IL at the Pheasant Run Resort. I’m experimenting with some new exercises for the students and I laid some of them on a nice group of six people tonight. They’re hungry students and I like working with people like that. We were able to get a lot of solid work done, and it was worth everyone’s time.
I’ve still got a hell of a lot of things undone, but I don’t want to focus on that right now. I made a nice effort today on many levels with many people. That’s what I want to focus on, and keep doing it day after day after day until my entire life has improved by leaps.
One day does not a life make, but many days like this will make life better. I put in my time, and made very good choices. I interacted with quality people, and I felt good about everything I did. How much better can a day get than that? Now I need to keep it going.
That’s always the hard part, but better one day good than just think about it and not do anything to make it happen. I took action today, and I’m proud of myself. I’m starting to put a picture in my head of what I want, and without that I’ll never get anything done.
Nobody can change the world in a day, so I didn’t try. My goal was to put in as solid of a work day as I could, and I think I did. I got up extra early and my main focus was to get back in the mall and start walking again. I haven’t done it in way too long and I need to.
I know I can walk in my neighborhood and get the same results, but I like the process of doing laps in the mall because it feels like I can measure it better. Gurnee Mills is a larger than normal mall, and it’s mostly on one level. Stairs are minimal, and it just feels right.
I let my mind go as I start walking and ideas start bouncing around like ping pong balls in a tornado. I’ve learned to keep a pen and at least a couple of 3x5 cards with me because when I start getting a flow going, I have to write notes down or I’ll lose some good ideas.
It’s been a while since I’ve had any kind of an exercise flow going and I really thought I was going to die about ten minutes into it. My days of endless youthful energy are finally over, and I don’t see them coming back any time soon. I’m going to have to earn any and all acceptable levels of physical fitness with plain old hard work. I resign myself to that.
I had many years of eating whatever I wanted, and I sure didn’t cheat myself. I’ve eaten some of the best food in North America, and it was delicious beyond imagination. Now I need to work it all out of my veins and colon or I’ll be a statistic a lot sooner than later.
I’m totally fine with it, and am not complaining. I let myself get this far out of shape by not putting any effort into my health for years. I can’t expect to turn into Charles Atlas in a week, or even a year. This has got to be a life long pursuit, even if my life ends in a few days with my heart bursting like a pimple. A half assed effort is just not going to do it.
The weather was great and I drank a water in the car as I drove to the mall. I didn’t have the radio on, and I just thought about not only my day, but what I want to do with the rest of my life. Every facet of my life can use a major overhaul, and I tried to put a razor sharp clear picture of the finished product in my head. It felt great that I even got to the mall.
My goal was to do at least two complete laps, but I was about ready to keel over and die after only one. I’m a lot more out of shape than I thought, and I felt it after that first lap of torture. I tend to lose myself in thought as I walk, but I drifted in and out and felt my heart pumping and my legs aching and I didn’t want to push it. One lap was enough for today.
I was scheduled to meet up with my old radio buddy Steve Perks, who I’ve known for a long time from my days at 95 WIIL in Kenosha. He’s very funny, and a talented radio guy and he’s got the itch to get back on the air. In my opinion, he should have his pick of jobs.
But alas, radio is just as much or more political than comedy and he’s in the same boat a lot of us radio geeks are - not in the good old boy network. Radio, more than any other field I know, is totally about kissing the right ass of the right person who hires air talent.
That’s just how it is, and I’ve never been good at it and neither has Perks. We’ve never even tried to suck up to management, and that’s probably the main reason we’re both not working right now. We’re interested in creating entertaining broadcasts, and management is interested in selling commercial spots to car dealers, restaurants and anyone who pays.
It is what it is, but neither one of us like it. We both bitched and moaned about it over a healthy breakfast at the Golden Corral in Gurnee, my favorite place. There are all kinds of hottie waitresses there, and I focused on eating fruits and fiber and not bacon and gravy as per usual. I forced myself to be good, and it worked. One day down, the rest of life to go.
Let’s see if I can keep it up every day for three months. This is the time of year when it should be easiest, even if I don’t get to the mall. There are sidewalks and even some trails near where I live and the weather will be warm enough where I have NO excuses for not getting my ass out there and exercising. Even in the rain, I need to do this EVERY DAY.
This afternoon I shrunk a substantial number of emails off my pile, and that felt great as well. I took care of the booking issue with Northern Lights Theater and am now rebooked for the week of September 11th. I also was asked to do a private show earlier that Saturday so I’ll end up having a nice week. It’s down in ink, and the booker and I are both in sync.
I also had to submit a press release to some media outlets in Louisville, KY where I will be next week, working at The Comedy Caravan. I made contact with the local newspaper, and they asked for a picture and said they would run something in next Friday’s edition.
The club also asked if I’d record some radio spots, which they’ll run next week. I asked Perks if he’d help me record them, and he said he would. He’s got a studio at home like a lot of radio people do, and he lives about five minutes from me so we’ll do it tomorrow. I know he’ll do a great job, and I think we can do some other recording in the near future.
Tonight I taught a comedy class at Zanies in St. Charles, IL at the Pheasant Run Resort. I’m experimenting with some new exercises for the students and I laid some of them on a nice group of six people tonight. They’re hungry students and I like working with people like that. We were able to get a lot of solid work done, and it was worth everyone’s time.
I’ve still got a hell of a lot of things undone, but I don’t want to focus on that right now. I made a nice effort today on many levels with many people. That’s what I want to focus on, and keep doing it day after day after day until my entire life has improved by leaps.
One day does not a life make, but many days like this will make life better. I put in my time, and made very good choices. I interacted with quality people, and I felt good about everything I did. How much better can a day get than that? Now I need to keep it going.
That’s always the hard part, but better one day good than just think about it and not do anything to make it happen. I took action today, and I’m proud of myself. I’m starting to put a picture in my head of what I want, and without that I’ll never get anything done.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Memorial Daydreaming
Monday May 31st, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL
I think I struck a nerve with what I started rambling about yesterday. Quite a few people made a point of contacting me personally to say how much they could relate to everything I was talking about. I don’ t know whether to be relieved or disturbed. I’m a bit of both.
Why is life like this? People have been asking that for generations, and it doesn’t appear to be getting any better. There’s injustice everywhere, and it all seems so pointless. I wish we at least had an explanation of some sort, but we don’t. That’s why it’s so frustrating.
On one hand, there’s a part of life that seems so desirable. Then, so few of us ever get it that it all seems like a cruel joke. Then, those who do actually manage to attain it screw it up royally, and it’s even more frustrating. There are countless examples and it baffles me.
In comedy, Richard Jeni is a perfect example. He achieved what most people would say is fantastic success, yet it still wasn’t enough and he ended up killing himself. Would that happen to me? I guess I can’t say that until I’ve been there, but as of now I haven’t been.
It’s not just material things either, but that is a big part of it. We all need to have at least some physical possessions, and money is the way we measure how to achieve it. It’s not a perfect system, but what’s better? We haven’t thought of that yet, so money’s it for now.
That seems to be where a lot of problems lie for a lot of people. It does for me. If I had a nest egg of money, I wouldn’t be in the situation of unpleasant uphill struggle I’m in. I am a lot of the reason for it, and I admit that - but I want to change and improve my position.
My problem seems to be I intend to do it honestly and without hurting anyone else. As I get older I feel my cynicism enlarging like my prostate, and I wonder if it’s at all possible. I’m not saying good people can’t have money, but it sure seems to be rare from my view.
Do rappers and athletes really need to have as much money as they do? Is it fair they get paid like they do when teachers and cops and fire fighters and soldiers and those who do a lot more good for the benefit of us all have to struggle to pay bills every month? I say no.
But who cares what I say? Not many. That’s why it felt so good to hear from the people I did when I started down this path yesterday. There ARE people who see the things I do, and they can’t figure it out either. At least it feels good to know I’m not totally alone here.
Still, I’ve got a lot of work to do if I’m going to change my life around for the better. In a perfect world, I’d be firing on all cylinders right now but this is far from a perfect world and I’m struggling big time just to stay afloat. That makes it even harder to change gears.
I took a lot of the day to just sit and think - about my life, about life in general, about a lot of things. Memorial Day was one of them. My heart goes out to all who sacrificed life so I can complain about mine. I can’t let them down, or myself either. Time to get tough.
I think I struck a nerve with what I started rambling about yesterday. Quite a few people made a point of contacting me personally to say how much they could relate to everything I was talking about. I don’ t know whether to be relieved or disturbed. I’m a bit of both.
Why is life like this? People have been asking that for generations, and it doesn’t appear to be getting any better. There’s injustice everywhere, and it all seems so pointless. I wish we at least had an explanation of some sort, but we don’t. That’s why it’s so frustrating.
On one hand, there’s a part of life that seems so desirable. Then, so few of us ever get it that it all seems like a cruel joke. Then, those who do actually manage to attain it screw it up royally, and it’s even more frustrating. There are countless examples and it baffles me.
In comedy, Richard Jeni is a perfect example. He achieved what most people would say is fantastic success, yet it still wasn’t enough and he ended up killing himself. Would that happen to me? I guess I can’t say that until I’ve been there, but as of now I haven’t been.
It’s not just material things either, but that is a big part of it. We all need to have at least some physical possessions, and money is the way we measure how to achieve it. It’s not a perfect system, but what’s better? We haven’t thought of that yet, so money’s it for now.
That seems to be where a lot of problems lie for a lot of people. It does for me. If I had a nest egg of money, I wouldn’t be in the situation of unpleasant uphill struggle I’m in. I am a lot of the reason for it, and I admit that - but I want to change and improve my position.
My problem seems to be I intend to do it honestly and without hurting anyone else. As I get older I feel my cynicism enlarging like my prostate, and I wonder if it’s at all possible. I’m not saying good people can’t have money, but it sure seems to be rare from my view.
Do rappers and athletes really need to have as much money as they do? Is it fair they get paid like they do when teachers and cops and fire fighters and soldiers and those who do a lot more good for the benefit of us all have to struggle to pay bills every month? I say no.
But who cares what I say? Not many. That’s why it felt so good to hear from the people I did when I started down this path yesterday. There ARE people who see the things I do, and they can’t figure it out either. At least it feels good to know I’m not totally alone here.
Still, I’ve got a lot of work to do if I’m going to change my life around for the better. In a perfect world, I’d be firing on all cylinders right now but this is far from a perfect world and I’m struggling big time just to stay afloat. That makes it even harder to change gears.
I took a lot of the day to just sit and think - about my life, about life in general, about a lot of things. Memorial Day was one of them. My heart goes out to all who sacrificed life so I can complain about mine. I can’t let them down, or myself either. Time to get tough.
Monday, May 31, 2010
A Frightening Realization
Sunday May 30th, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL
The frightening realization occurred to me today that I am completely dissatisfied with the vast majority of my entire life. Not only is that a major downer, it also dawned on me that I’m the main reason for it. How can someone be alive this long in what’s supposedly a place built on the idea of freedom and the pursuit of happiness, and still not get it right?
I would have thought for sure by now I’d have figured out at least a few of the mysteries of life, but I don’t think I have. I feel like I’m drifting through this cosmic plane without a purpose, and the harder I try to find one the farther away I get. It feels like I’ve struck out.
I’m just barely surviving, squeaking out an existence from month to month. Thankfully I don’t have a family to support, or we’d really be in trouble. Or would we? Would I have a different mindset if I had the responsibility of other mouths to feed? Would my choices have been different, thereby making the results of my life different? I really don’t know.
What I do know is, I’m nowhere near happy with the results I am getting for the choices I did make, so the only thing I can think of to make that change is begin making different choices. That sounds simple enough, but exactly what choices do I change and how? I’ve had a lifetime to make the ones I did make, and they’ve ultimately got me to where I am.
It all seems so totally overwhelming. It’s like I’m at that giant map of the mall with the arrow that says ‘You Are Here’, but I really don’t have any plan in mind of what stores I want to visit or if I even want to be at the mall in the first place. Why am I even standing here? I suppose if I made a plan I could visit just about any or all of the stores I’d want to.
Here I stand, feeling like that about life itself. Why am I even here? I’ve never felt like I fit in for as long as I’ve been here, and it feels even less now. I’ve done a few small things I thought were kind of fun, but for the most part life has just been one long uphill struggle that doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere, and sure isn’t getting any easier. This isn’t fun.
That’s the main ingredient I’ve noticed that’s always been missing from people I’ve had the closest contact with - FUN. Nobody in my family ever had fun as a priority in life, and sure enough most of them are dead and their lives reflected it. They came and went, never making a significant mark in life that lasted past their death. I never wanted that to be me.
Somehow, there’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach that that’s exactly where I’m going and it really hurts to think about it. Ignoring it won’t make it go away, either. I have a big job ahead of me if I intend to revamp my whole life, but if I don’t I’ll be miserable for the rest of however long I do have remaining on this rinky-dink half assed mediocre planet.
Maybe it would help if I had a better attitude about things, but I guess I don’t. I’m being honest and saying what I feel. This planet is SO not my home, and I’ve felt that way since I was a kid. Life is unfair, and idiots are everywhere - usually in charge. The results of life on this planet aren’t good as a whole, but I don’t care about that. I care about what I want.
In many ways we’re very selfish beings, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing at all. As long as we don’t hurt anyone, what’s wrong with wanting to please ourselves? I think it’s an admirable quality to know what a person wants, and life should be about getting there.
I thought I had a plan at one time, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve screwed so many things up and had to deal with so many bad breaks, I’m not sure where I stand right now. I don’t have a very good perspective of the big picture from where I’m standing, and I need one.
All I can feel is that I don’t like the current course I’m on, and I know I need to change it. But how much? Do I need to turn 180 degrees? 90? 1? Left? Right? That’s the problem but how do I solve it? I can think and rethink and over think, but in the end I’m clueless.
I guess the smart thing to do would be to examine every single facet of my life’s history in detail and be brutally honest. What do I like and what do I not, and how can I improve and reshape the negatives into something that pleases me? That sounds like a lot of work.
I don’t mind working, but I want to work at something that will pay off eventually. I’ve been farting around for so long with things that haven’t had any payoff, I’m not sure I can even be sure what the right direction is. I’ve made fun a priority, and I’ve had some along the way, but I think life would have been much better had I made very different choices.
Some hard facts remain, and I need to face them. No matter what my choices were, I am 47 years old and living in a basement like a spider. Is it a nice basement? Sure. It’s livable and nobody would know it was a basement if dropped here from the sky, but I do. I opted to live here because it’s inexpensive, a stop gap. That mindset is what I’m not happy with.
My whole life is a reflection of it. Maybe it was out of necessity, or maybe I copied my father without even knowing it. My father used to squeak by in life, and drive crappy cars just like I do. He lived in a dingy house in a nasty neighborhood, and never wanted more.
Or did he? I guess I never really knew him very well, but I never asked him about it. He always said he was happy with how his life turned out, but I don’t know if I believe it this long after the fact. His life was even less than mine, because he never had any goals or at least never admitted it. Maybe his got squelched early, and he never tried another plan.
Well, I’m not him. I refuse to NOT try another plan. Just because what I’ve done hasn’t brought me the results I wanted, or thought I wanted, it doesn’t mean I have to accept this as my final fate. I don’t want to be broke anymore. I don’t want to be single either. I want a chance to shape a happy family, exactly the opposite of all I’ve ever had up until now.
I don’t want to be out of shape. I don’t want to feel out of place. I don’t want to have no place to go on holidays. I don’t want to drive a crappy car. I don’t want to waste one more minute of my life thinking about what I don’t want. I know that’s where I am now, but my inner voice tells me I don’t have to stay here. Other people have changed their entire lives around for the better and I know I can do it too. I’m way off from where I know I can be.
The frightening realization occurred to me today that I am completely dissatisfied with the vast majority of my entire life. Not only is that a major downer, it also dawned on me that I’m the main reason for it. How can someone be alive this long in what’s supposedly a place built on the idea of freedom and the pursuit of happiness, and still not get it right?
I would have thought for sure by now I’d have figured out at least a few of the mysteries of life, but I don’t think I have. I feel like I’m drifting through this cosmic plane without a purpose, and the harder I try to find one the farther away I get. It feels like I’ve struck out.
I’m just barely surviving, squeaking out an existence from month to month. Thankfully I don’t have a family to support, or we’d really be in trouble. Or would we? Would I have a different mindset if I had the responsibility of other mouths to feed? Would my choices have been different, thereby making the results of my life different? I really don’t know.
What I do know is, I’m nowhere near happy with the results I am getting for the choices I did make, so the only thing I can think of to make that change is begin making different choices. That sounds simple enough, but exactly what choices do I change and how? I’ve had a lifetime to make the ones I did make, and they’ve ultimately got me to where I am.
It all seems so totally overwhelming. It’s like I’m at that giant map of the mall with the arrow that says ‘You Are Here’, but I really don’t have any plan in mind of what stores I want to visit or if I even want to be at the mall in the first place. Why am I even standing here? I suppose if I made a plan I could visit just about any or all of the stores I’d want to.
Here I stand, feeling like that about life itself. Why am I even here? I’ve never felt like I fit in for as long as I’ve been here, and it feels even less now. I’ve done a few small things I thought were kind of fun, but for the most part life has just been one long uphill struggle that doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere, and sure isn’t getting any easier. This isn’t fun.
That’s the main ingredient I’ve noticed that’s always been missing from people I’ve had the closest contact with - FUN. Nobody in my family ever had fun as a priority in life, and sure enough most of them are dead and their lives reflected it. They came and went, never making a significant mark in life that lasted past their death. I never wanted that to be me.
Somehow, there’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach that that’s exactly where I’m going and it really hurts to think about it. Ignoring it won’t make it go away, either. I have a big job ahead of me if I intend to revamp my whole life, but if I don’t I’ll be miserable for the rest of however long I do have remaining on this rinky-dink half assed mediocre planet.
Maybe it would help if I had a better attitude about things, but I guess I don’t. I’m being honest and saying what I feel. This planet is SO not my home, and I’ve felt that way since I was a kid. Life is unfair, and idiots are everywhere - usually in charge. The results of life on this planet aren’t good as a whole, but I don’t care about that. I care about what I want.
In many ways we’re very selfish beings, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing at all. As long as we don’t hurt anyone, what’s wrong with wanting to please ourselves? I think it’s an admirable quality to know what a person wants, and life should be about getting there.
I thought I had a plan at one time, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve screwed so many things up and had to deal with so many bad breaks, I’m not sure where I stand right now. I don’t have a very good perspective of the big picture from where I’m standing, and I need one.
All I can feel is that I don’t like the current course I’m on, and I know I need to change it. But how much? Do I need to turn 180 degrees? 90? 1? Left? Right? That’s the problem but how do I solve it? I can think and rethink and over think, but in the end I’m clueless.
I guess the smart thing to do would be to examine every single facet of my life’s history in detail and be brutally honest. What do I like and what do I not, and how can I improve and reshape the negatives into something that pleases me? That sounds like a lot of work.
I don’t mind working, but I want to work at something that will pay off eventually. I’ve been farting around for so long with things that haven’t had any payoff, I’m not sure I can even be sure what the right direction is. I’ve made fun a priority, and I’ve had some along the way, but I think life would have been much better had I made very different choices.
Some hard facts remain, and I need to face them. No matter what my choices were, I am 47 years old and living in a basement like a spider. Is it a nice basement? Sure. It’s livable and nobody would know it was a basement if dropped here from the sky, but I do. I opted to live here because it’s inexpensive, a stop gap. That mindset is what I’m not happy with.
My whole life is a reflection of it. Maybe it was out of necessity, or maybe I copied my father without even knowing it. My father used to squeak by in life, and drive crappy cars just like I do. He lived in a dingy house in a nasty neighborhood, and never wanted more.
Or did he? I guess I never really knew him very well, but I never asked him about it. He always said he was happy with how his life turned out, but I don’t know if I believe it this long after the fact. His life was even less than mine, because he never had any goals or at least never admitted it. Maybe his got squelched early, and he never tried another plan.
Well, I’m not him. I refuse to NOT try another plan. Just because what I’ve done hasn’t brought me the results I wanted, or thought I wanted, it doesn’t mean I have to accept this as my final fate. I don’t want to be broke anymore. I don’t want to be single either. I want a chance to shape a happy family, exactly the opposite of all I’ve ever had up until now.
I don’t want to be out of shape. I don’t want to feel out of place. I don’t want to have no place to go on holidays. I don’t want to drive a crappy car. I don’t want to waste one more minute of my life thinking about what I don’t want. I know that’s where I am now, but my inner voice tells me I don’t have to stay here. Other people have changed their entire lives around for the better and I know I can do it too. I’m way off from where I know I can be.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Way Off Schedule
Saturday May 29th, 2010 - Milwaukee, WI
One of the toughest things to keep on track as a comedian is a booking schedule. It’s an endless effort to coordinate dates, as every booker has their own way of operating and it’s extremely rare when it all ‘just works out’. There are always a few glitches, switches and changes that occur, and it’s wise to write all bookings down on one’s calendar in pencil.
Right now I’m in the middle of one of the worst booking periods of my life. Everything is in turmoil, and I really need to get things back on track. I was supposed to be working a gig tonight in Michigan for my friend Tim Marszalkowski, but that fell through and we’re still not exactly sure what caused it. That’s not a very good way to ease into the summer.
Summer is comedy’s off season, but comedians still have to eat. It was always harder to get summer work, especially in the north, but now it’s getting down right nasty. Clubs are closing en masse, and it’s like a giant game of musical chairs nobody wants to play. It’s a tough enough nut to stay booked as it is, much less having to deal with all this other stuff.
Since I had an unexpected night off, I drove up to Milwaukee to visit my friend Darryl Rhoades who was working at the Northern Lights Theatre at Potawatomi Casino. We met on a hell gig years ago and stayed in touch. He’s from Atlanta and does musical comedy, and he had a bit part in the movie ‘Crazy Heart’ with Jeff Bridges. He’s a hard worker.
We often exchange stories about troubles with bookers or ideas of how we can get past having to get a day job, which both of us know we’re not qualified to do. Darryl was in a lot of bands before he got into comedy, and he’s a very good marketer. He has a dozen or more cds and also sells t-shirts, and he does very well for himself. I’m not good at that.
I’m getting better, but I’ve got a LONG way to go. Darryl works many of the same gigs I do, but I bet he makes quite a bit more money because of his marketing savvy. He’s also married to a woman who works for an airline so he can fly on standby for next to nothing. Hey, good for him. I wish I had that advantage. Any little thing helps in the big picture.
I love working the Northern Lights Casino for many reasons. The venue is spectacularly set up on all levels, onstage and off. The staff is fantastic, and it’s first class all the way. If all gigs were like that well run, comedy would be pure heaven. I always enjoy being here.
That being said, I discovered a glitch in the schedule that made my blood run cold. I had thought I was booked to be there next week, June 5th. Apparently, the booker wrote down the week after, and that’s when I was listed. I’m in Louisville at the Comedy Caravan that week and can’t get out of it. It looks like I’m going to lose out on a whole week of work.
I called the booker immediately, and sure enough there was a snafu. It’s hard to tell who was at fault, but it doesn’t matter at this point. I know it was unintentional, but now it’s a problem, and I was counting on that money. Fortunately, this booker isn’t a maniac and it will work itself out. I’ll get a rebooking, and life goes on. Still, I need a major revamping.
One of the toughest things to keep on track as a comedian is a booking schedule. It’s an endless effort to coordinate dates, as every booker has their own way of operating and it’s extremely rare when it all ‘just works out’. There are always a few glitches, switches and changes that occur, and it’s wise to write all bookings down on one’s calendar in pencil.
Right now I’m in the middle of one of the worst booking periods of my life. Everything is in turmoil, and I really need to get things back on track. I was supposed to be working a gig tonight in Michigan for my friend Tim Marszalkowski, but that fell through and we’re still not exactly sure what caused it. That’s not a very good way to ease into the summer.
Summer is comedy’s off season, but comedians still have to eat. It was always harder to get summer work, especially in the north, but now it’s getting down right nasty. Clubs are closing en masse, and it’s like a giant game of musical chairs nobody wants to play. It’s a tough enough nut to stay booked as it is, much less having to deal with all this other stuff.
Since I had an unexpected night off, I drove up to Milwaukee to visit my friend Darryl Rhoades who was working at the Northern Lights Theatre at Potawatomi Casino. We met on a hell gig years ago and stayed in touch. He’s from Atlanta and does musical comedy, and he had a bit part in the movie ‘Crazy Heart’ with Jeff Bridges. He’s a hard worker.
We often exchange stories about troubles with bookers or ideas of how we can get past having to get a day job, which both of us know we’re not qualified to do. Darryl was in a lot of bands before he got into comedy, and he’s a very good marketer. He has a dozen or more cds and also sells t-shirts, and he does very well for himself. I’m not good at that.
I’m getting better, but I’ve got a LONG way to go. Darryl works many of the same gigs I do, but I bet he makes quite a bit more money because of his marketing savvy. He’s also married to a woman who works for an airline so he can fly on standby for next to nothing. Hey, good for him. I wish I had that advantage. Any little thing helps in the big picture.
I love working the Northern Lights Casino for many reasons. The venue is spectacularly set up on all levels, onstage and off. The staff is fantastic, and it’s first class all the way. If all gigs were like that well run, comedy would be pure heaven. I always enjoy being here.
That being said, I discovered a glitch in the schedule that made my blood run cold. I had thought I was booked to be there next week, June 5th. Apparently, the booker wrote down the week after, and that’s when I was listed. I’m in Louisville at the Comedy Caravan that week and can’t get out of it. It looks like I’m going to lose out on a whole week of work.
I called the booker immediately, and sure enough there was a snafu. It’s hard to tell who was at fault, but it doesn’t matter at this point. I know it was unintentional, but now it’s a problem, and I was counting on that money. Fortunately, this booker isn’t a maniac and it will work itself out. I’ll get a rebooking, and life goes on. Still, I need a major revamping.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Gary Coleman
Friday May 28th, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL
Gary Coleman is dead, and I’m glad to hear it. Just like I was glad when I’d heard about Michael Jackson’s death, maybe the guy can finally find peace. I thought I was Mr. Lucky but he’s always had me beat. I’m glad his torturous run is over. The guy had it very tough.
Here’s a perfect example of proof that fame and fortune are both fleeting and not in any way guaranteed to provide happiness. I have to believe he had a freakish existence for the majority of his life, and whatever free ride he had because of his cuteness wore off fast.
The kid had to overcome being born black, with bad kidneys, was adopted by people in Zion, IL who allegedly misappropriated his funds, was estranged from them for years, and had to live the majority of his life being 4’8” tall and having to hear idiots en masse get in his face every single day and repeat his catch phrase “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout Willis?”
I’m surprised the poor bastard didn’t go on a killing spree twenty years ago. Time after time he was caught on TV and made fun of, whether he was a security guard or having an incident with someone who probably got in his face. I always felt sorry for the guy. I still do. He should have had a wonderful life, but instead he had to be a source of mockery.
I remember seeing him interviewed on some talk show, and I wanted to cry. He told of his life and troubles, and admitted he didn’t have a lot of friends and my heart went out to the guy right there. I would have been his friend, and not because he was famous. Even in school I always tried to buddy up to the kids who were outcasts. Loneliness is pure hell.
I have a lot of comedian friends who don’t associate with a lot of other comics. I always seem to ‘buddy up with the strays’, and much of the reason for that is I can understand the mindset they’re in. I’ve been there too, and in many ways I never left. There’s a lot of hurt in there, and if someone can at least be a good listener there’s no better friend anywhere.
Gary Coleman wasn’t an idiot. Not by a long shot. He was a smart guy, trapped in a tiny body with bad kidneys and puffy cheeks that old ladies wanted to pinch when he was ten. Then, he wasn’t ten anymore and all hell broke loose. Life is hard enough without having to navigate adulthood from where that guy started. Former successes don’t help for long.
His fame was gone and I’m sure his fortune followed quickly. According to the article I read, he was still estranged from his parents at the time of his death. I’m not sure if those were his adoptive parents or not, and it’s none of my business. I do know about how that feels though, and no matter who it is, something had to happen to cause the estrangement.
If there was a dented can Hall of Fame, Gary Coleman would be in it. My heart goes out to him and I wish him nothing but peace, hope, happiness and relief. The freak show of a life he’s had to star in for a lot longer than Diff’rent Strokes lasted is finally over, and I’m sending any good vibe I can muster his way. If there is life after death, hopefully he’s on a lounge chair right about now, sipping a cool one and getting a massage. He’s earned it.
Gary Coleman is dead, and I’m glad to hear it. Just like I was glad when I’d heard about Michael Jackson’s death, maybe the guy can finally find peace. I thought I was Mr. Lucky but he’s always had me beat. I’m glad his torturous run is over. The guy had it very tough.
Here’s a perfect example of proof that fame and fortune are both fleeting and not in any way guaranteed to provide happiness. I have to believe he had a freakish existence for the majority of his life, and whatever free ride he had because of his cuteness wore off fast.
The kid had to overcome being born black, with bad kidneys, was adopted by people in Zion, IL who allegedly misappropriated his funds, was estranged from them for years, and had to live the majority of his life being 4’8” tall and having to hear idiots en masse get in his face every single day and repeat his catch phrase “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout Willis?”
I’m surprised the poor bastard didn’t go on a killing spree twenty years ago. Time after time he was caught on TV and made fun of, whether he was a security guard or having an incident with someone who probably got in his face. I always felt sorry for the guy. I still do. He should have had a wonderful life, but instead he had to be a source of mockery.
I remember seeing him interviewed on some talk show, and I wanted to cry. He told of his life and troubles, and admitted he didn’t have a lot of friends and my heart went out to the guy right there. I would have been his friend, and not because he was famous. Even in school I always tried to buddy up to the kids who were outcasts. Loneliness is pure hell.
I have a lot of comedian friends who don’t associate with a lot of other comics. I always seem to ‘buddy up with the strays’, and much of the reason for that is I can understand the mindset they’re in. I’ve been there too, and in many ways I never left. There’s a lot of hurt in there, and if someone can at least be a good listener there’s no better friend anywhere.
Gary Coleman wasn’t an idiot. Not by a long shot. He was a smart guy, trapped in a tiny body with bad kidneys and puffy cheeks that old ladies wanted to pinch when he was ten. Then, he wasn’t ten anymore and all hell broke loose. Life is hard enough without having to navigate adulthood from where that guy started. Former successes don’t help for long.
His fame was gone and I’m sure his fortune followed quickly. According to the article I read, he was still estranged from his parents at the time of his death. I’m not sure if those were his adoptive parents or not, and it’s none of my business. I do know about how that feels though, and no matter who it is, something had to happen to cause the estrangement.
If there was a dented can Hall of Fame, Gary Coleman would be in it. My heart goes out to him and I wish him nothing but peace, hope, happiness and relief. The freak show of a life he’s had to star in for a lot longer than Diff’rent Strokes lasted is finally over, and I’m sending any good vibe I can muster his way. If there is life after death, hopefully he’s on a lounge chair right about now, sipping a cool one and getting a massage. He’s earned it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
