Old Car Aggravation

Sunday April 10th, 2011 - Fox Lake, IL

   Owning an old car can be a lot of fun, but when those little annoying things go wrong it can be a major buzz kill. I’ve been getting my money’s worth and then some from my ‘83 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham, but now some things are starting to go wrong and I’m not sure how much longer I’ll keep it. Old cars can suck big bucks, and it’s just not worth it.

    First off, some turkey neck puke decided it was funny to snap off my antenna. There’s a wire inside it, and now it’s just dangling off the side of the car. If I could catch the little gang banger punk that did it, I’d take the antenna and shish kabob his poop shoot with it.

   I am SO sick of the direction society is going. We’re protecting these little bastards who haven’t had any home training and are running around like monkeys in a zoo. I sound like my grandparents, but too bad. How about a little responsibility for these mongrel hordes?

   My cousin Brett is a union carpenter and really works hard for his living and has done it for over twenty years. He has two trucks packed with tools and a one car garage, so he has to leave one parked on his driveway. Last year some delinquent teenage mutant waste of a sperm cell oozed by and vandalized the hell out of his truck, causing over $3000 damage.

   The cops caught the punk, but he denied it despite witnesses. He was on probation for a list of crimes, so they just extended it and gave him a judgment to pay restitution. He and his family were broke so no money ever exchanged hands. He never was punished, so my cousin came out the loser because he had to pay his own deductible to get the truck fixed.

   If that was me, I’d have a very hard time not finding that punk and taking a golf club to his skull until he was a vegetable. I would feel neither guilt nor remorse as I took whacks to his left ear, and that really scares me. I don’t want to be a violent person, but that’s the climate of the world these days. It’s cold and getting colder, and good people are screwed.

   Now my radio barely works, and AM stations are especially weak. That’s where all the sports talk is, what I mostly listen to. Getting it fixed would cost a lot more than the car is worth, so I’ll try to figure out a way to cheapo rig it until I dump it. It’s an inconvenience.

   Another bit of frustration is the power windows went out yesterday. The driver’s side is still working, but only in front. The passenger side doesn’t work at all, and the front one’s stuck in the down position. I’m not sure if it’s a simple fuse that puked or it’ll take major bucks to fix. Everything worked when I bought the car, but wear and tear are inevitable.

   I’ve had a lot of fun with this road yacht, and hope to pilot it a while longer. I’ll need a set of tires soon, but other than that the motor and transmission run mondo smooth. It still starts at the flick of a key, and rides like a…like a Cadillac. I’ve made my money back in comedy work over twice what I paid for the car, but if it were to hold out for another four or five months through the summer, I’d be thrilled beyond words. Having to mess with a new stereo or drop big cabbage on power windows would turn a bargain into a bum deal.

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary