Friday December 9th, 2011 - Fox Lake, IL Horror of horrors. Make that double. It’s an entertainer’s nightmare. For the first time in recent memory, I wasn’t physically able make it to my show on time and ended up losing the gig. Fortunately, the only one who was upset was me. Unfortunately, I won’t get paid. My friend and former radio partner Max Bumgardner suggested me as entertainment for his company’s Christmas party in Springfield, IL. Max was trying to help me out, and I’m extremely grateful for him thinking of me. Apparently, someone in his office suggested a comedian for their party, and Max was the only one who knew one. That’s how it works. Christmas parties can be a very tricky endeavor for a variety of reasons, but they’re also a great way to close a year out strong financially. Back when the economy wasn’t tanking, a comic could bring home in an hour what it would take a whole week to make at a club. Depending on the year, a strong comedian could pick up several parties each December. That, combined with the premium of New Year’s Eve pay made it by far the top financial month of the year. Then, it became a trend for some companies to delay their parties until January. Venues were less expensive, and quite often they also decided to use comedians. For a couple of years there, my Decembers and Januarys were gangbusters. Then, it was exactly the opposite. NOBODY had any parties at all. With so much downsizing going on it was difficult to justify the expense of hiring entertainment. I can totally understand that. Tonight was just a fluke of nature. I was supposed to go on at 7:30pm, right after dinner and some announcements by the big boss. That’s pretty typical. I’ve had to do it countless times before, and it’s usually awkward. I guess that’s why we get paid more. We earn it. After running a few necessary errands, I left Kenosha, WI at 2pm. I thought I’d be more than safe, and was in fact worried I’d be too early. The mistake I made was going through Chicago, and it ended up costing me. Traffic on Fridays is usually bad, but today it was a nonstop bumper to bumper gridlock nightmare. I got sucked in, and wasn’t able to escape. Three and a half hours later, I was on I-55 but not even south of I-80 when I called Max in a panic. I kept thinking I’d be able to get through it, but it just wouldn’t break. I’ve had traffic delays before, but I can’t remember anything like this. It was nothing but stress and agony. Not only did I want to make a good showing for Max, I wanted the paycheck too. Max called the lady in charge of the party to see if they could delay everything at least a little to give me a chance to show up late, but by everyone’s calculations I wouldn’t make it even close to their time frame. She told Max to just forget it, and for me not to worry. Not to worry? That’s all I did was worry for three and a half hours, as I cursed each and every one of the thousands of driving zombies who couldn’t figure out how to press on an accelerator. It was my own fault, and this is why being a road comic can be so frustrating.
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