Sunday June 15th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL
Happy
Father’s Day! Those that know me well may think I have finally flipped
completely, but I couldn’t be more sincere. I think this is going to be the
best Father’s Day of my life, and it once again took me by surprise. At this
point I don’t care how it took me – I am just delighted it did.
I have finally found it in my deepest being
to forgive my father unconditionally for everything he ever did or said to hurt
me. I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I know that I have finally gotten
over one of if not the biggest psychological humps in my life. It won’t be an
issue again.
There have been so many things going on in
my life lately, Father’s Day took a back seat in my mind this year. As with all
the family based holidays that have been so difficult for so long, some years
are better than others. This year Mother’s Day sent me over the edge, and that
was enough.
I’ve still got some hurt I need to work
through with her, but the old man and I have completed our business as of
today. I think it was due to my sitting with my sister Tammy and talking about
everything I felt a need to talk about on Friday. As we were looking through
family pictures, we ran across his driver’s license and old work ID. Seeing him
from a distance changed everything.
As a child, he was a giant fire breathing
dragon to be feared. One little mistake or indiscretion could and often did
bring the undiluted wrath of hell’s fury. Sometimes it involved beatings, but
even getting yelled at with his intimidating snarl would strike extreme fear
into every one of us.
He was a bully, and loved to get over by
using fear and intimidation tactics. I eventually caught on to his game, and
after that I no longer feared him. I learned to despise him and all bullies,
and I have stood up to them in all forms my entire life. I’ve gotten some world
class ass whippings as well, but at least I went down swinging. He was the
inspiration for it, and the emotions ran deep.
For years and years no matter how hard I tried
I just couldn’t let it go. I read books and articles about forgiveness, and I
knew they were correct by saying I needed to do it – but I couldn’t find the
button and it wouldn’t go away. I thought I did a few times, but I was only
fooling myself.
My step mother was the only person I ever
knew that was in his class of evil, and between the two I had more issues than
Mad magazine. She was the only humanoid I ever ran across that was in his
league of evil, and as a child I prayed for her slow and painful death. Guess
what? I got it!
It was only when I heard she had died that I
was able to forgive her. My grandmother told me, and Grandma’s brain was in
outer space due to Alzheimer’s. She must have told me ten times in two minutes,
and when she did I immediately knew how wrong I was for wishing what I wished.
I was an adult by then, and when I heard the
witch was dead I was able to see the situation a lot clearer than I could as a child.
My step mother was a small town girl from the U.P. of Michigan, and came to
Milwaukee the ‘big city’. Then she married Satan, and she had her cross to bear
for the rest of her life. I’m not condoning her treatment of me, but I was able
to forgive her for it.
I knew right then I was over it, and that it
wouldn’t be an issue ever again. It hasn’t been, and it won’t be in the future.
The damage is done, and I see things differently now. I don’t want to wish her
soul to barbecue or anything like that. I’ve got my own problems, and wasting
energy on her is not going to help either one of us. Getting closure on it all
has been a huge load off my psyche.
I now have the exact same feeling about him,
and I can finally dust off and move on. It used to eat at me from within, and
quite often Father’s Day was a major trigger. I’d see my friends with good
fathers be able to have someone to go to in times of need, and know I’d never
have that. It made me angry, bitter and hurt more than I can put into words. Now,
I don’t feel that anymore.
Do I still think he was a butt plug in the
poop shoot of humanity? Without question. He was an all out loser that never
should have had children, but he had his own problems. He was never that all
powerful ogre he portrayed so well all throughout my childhood. He was a scared
little boy all along, and didn’t want anyone to know it. He tried to cover it
up by pretending he was a monster.
I think the biggest monster of all lived
inside his own head. My grandfather used to tell me of how he would try to
motivate my father time and time again and was never able to reach him. It
always bothered Gramps, but he never stopped trying. When I got to be a
teenager we would go out for breakfast once a week and catch up. He did the same
with my father. It became tradition.
Gramps told me many times that between the
two breakfasts each week I was without a doubt the adult of the two. My father
apparently bitched about everything and was still that unsatisfied kid while I
was growing into adulthood and maturing. For whatever reason, the old man was
not able to figure life out. He told me himself that he was “a major underachiever
and proud of it.”
There are a grand total of ZERO pictures of
my father and me at any point in our lives. Not as a baby, not as a kid, and
surely not as an adult. We didn’t have contact for years, and I talked to Tammy
about that. She said he was a huge pain in the ass at the end, and made all of
their lives a constant circus. I’m glad I wasn’t around for it, but I’m sorry they
had to endure that for so long.
I know I’m not the only one that has had
father issues, but mine were pretty intense. My friend C.J. Vincent reminded me
that “you don’t forgive your father, you forgive yourself.” I agree with that
wholeheartedly, but I think it’s important to be able to see things from the
father’s viewpoint to do it completely. I’m not saying anyone has to forgive
the actions, but knowing why is crucial.
My father was a coward. He was a social
misfit, and had extremely low self esteem. None of it gives him a pass for how
he treated us, but it sure does explain why. I looked at his picture on his
driver’s license and ID card, and I saw a pathetic lowlife rather than that
fire breathing monster.
I should have had Tammy make a copy of it so
I could show it, but I didn’t think of it then. All I could do was just look at
it with disgust and know with total certainty that it wasn’t any of our faults
that we were treated worse than cattle by him. I think that’s what C.J. means
by forgiving ourselves. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get to this point,
but I can feel that I absolutely have.
That doesn’t mean I’m ‘fixed’ though. There
are still a few bubbling issues with my mother to work through, and I’m just
not there yet. I know it’s basically the same story and the exact same
principle should be used, but I’m human and there’s still some hurt there. I’ll
get to it when I do. Apparently according to Tammy she’s still alive, so maybe
there will be a meeting in our future.
I have a strict limit of one crisis at a
time, so I’ll just enjoy this victory and know that I just got dealt a bad hand
in the parental department I’ll have to play out for as long as I continue to
draw breath. The only kind of true revenge I can get is to be a father figure
and mentor to as many kids of all ages that I can. I was shown kindness from
Gramps, and that’s what I am going to use as a model to show others. I feel
like I’m finally free from the dragon’s evil grasp. Next crisis please.
Father issues unfortunately run extremely deep with a lot of people. |
If they didn't, this poster would not exist. |
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