The 700 Mile Club

Wednesday April 1st, 2009 - Kansas City, KS

I feel like a zombie today after the long day yesterday. I was up at 4am and running like a maniac to finish my errands before heading over to the Jerry Springer taping. I forgot to mention I got to be on the show at the end segment where the audience gets to have at the freak panel. The producer said they wanted to have funny insult lines so I gave them one.

A few years ago I ad libbed a line on a heckler that laid him out. He was rowdy hillbilly goofball who wouldn’t shut up and I said ‘I really wish you would have stayed home and
(had sex) with one of the bullet holes on your trailer.’ The audience cheered and so did the other comics and wait staff too. That line has been passed around quite a bit since I said it.

I’ve used it many times since and I like to save it until things really start getting ugly so I can haul it up out of nowhere and sting some drunken idiot with it right between the eyes. It’s gotten to the point where quite a few people have requested it. That’s not common for a heckler line. I thought it would be a good opportunity to own it by using it on television.

There weren’t very many good lines being thrown around by other audience members so I raised my hand and Jerry stuck the mike in my face and I let it fly. His head snapped back in laughter and the audience erupted and I got a thumbs up from the producer on the set.

I have no doubt it will be on the show so I can say I did the Jerry Springer show and the Craig Ferguson show in the same month. NOW I’m starting to get some momentum going on TV. What’s next, Leno? Letterman? COPS? I thought it would be fun to do so I did it.

I paid for that fun by having to drive all the way to Kansas City to do radio this morning. I thought it would be 550 miles but after my errands it turned out to be 700. I had to fight bad weather and bad traffic in Chicago and I didn’t end up getting to town until 4:30am.

This is the part of comedy nobody sees. I could barely stay awake the last three hours of driving but I needed to be in town and there were no excuses if I wasn’t. That’s part of my responsibilities as a headliner and if I don’t do media the club has a right to dock my pay.

I got into town and found my hotel and slept for maybe an hour and then got up and had to find my way to the radio station by 7am sharp. I did three interviews on three stations in two hours plus I taped a few segments to be run on Friday morning. They weren’t kidding when they said I would be all over the radio and hopefully it will help to sell a few tickets.

I faked it pretty well for two hours but after breakfast with the club owner Craig Glazer I went back to the hotel and crashed out. Well, I tried to anyway. The maids didn’t get the meaning of a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign and kept knocking to ask if I needed any more towels.

The club is in a huge new entertainment complex called Legends at Village West and it’s absolutely spectacular. If I’m going to be out on the road this is the kind of place I want to work. I like the town and the owner and the staff is friendly. I hope I can sell some tickets.