Monday February 14th, 2011 - Kenosha, WI/Island Lake, IL Valentine’s Day can be a brutal reminder of just how lonely one soul can feel in a world rocked with insanity, chaos and pain. There’ve been times I’ve felt like ending it all with a bullet, rope or pill pile, hoping to reboot and wake up with a fresh set of circumstances. This isn’t one of those times. Actually, I feel pretty good about myself and my situation with women right now. I’m in a fantastic position to be in a great relationship with a lady I want to spend quality time with, and like everything else it’s taken a lifetime to get here. Who doesn’t want to have an exciting and attractive life partner to share the journey on this plane with? I know it’s something I’ve always wanted, and just thought it would drift my way just like a perfect comedy career would. I must have been a complete moron in a past life to believe any of that, and all of it has gone as oppositely as I could ever imagine. It’s only now at this late stage of the game that I’ve even felt close to being ready to put myself in a position to be in a healthy relationship with a woman that’s not a battlefield of dysfunction like virtually every relationship I’ve ever seen around me in my family’s past. I’ve always been scared to death of repeating the same mistakes my parents did, and am not ashamed to admit it. I didn’t know how to deal with my bubbling anger about a lot of things, and surely didn’t want to add a wife much less kids into that recipe for disaster. It didn’t help that I chose THE most difficult career that included being gone constantly either. I knew early on I wasn’t ready to be a husband, father or even boyfriend because of a complete lack of preparation. If my own life was in shambles, how could I date others? Every example around me was a flaming flop. My grandparents who raised me divorced when I was 12, and it was very ugly. They hadn’t grown in the same direction and nothing they did made each other happy. Love did NOT conquer all, and my Grandpa used to talk openly about it with me - hoping I’d avoid the problems he’d had. He wasn’t ready either. Gramps admitted his mistake, and later in life tried to make up for it. He wanted it to be with Grandma, but that didn’t work out. He always had girlfriends all over, even up to the very end. He knew how to play that game, and play it well he did. He was a love monkey. Gramps loved women and knew how to charm the pants off of them. Literally. He had a flair for romance in his goofy old time way, and loved to be a rooster in the hen house. He had all kinds of women around him, and he told me it was like a baseball team having the farm system in place to develop talent. If the main thing didn’t work out, have options. I never had a main thing, just because I never thought I was ready for it. A lot of people have accused me of being gay over the years, but that’s totally untrue. If I were, I’d admit it. Plus, I’d dress a lot better and would probably be able to dance and/or cook. I love the company of women as a rule, and a lot of them seem to like me back. That’s a good thing. The bad thing is, I’ve missed out on a number of total sweeties over the years that could have made great girlfriends, with a wife or two thrown in there too. Every time I felt even a little like the stars were aligning, I’d break it off. I always blamed it on my career, but in reality it was because I was afraid of having any kind of close relationships with anyone. People have always told me I can be very distant, and I guess that’s just how I am. I put up walls around my heart and inner feelings, mainly because I’ve been stomped on by the people that are supposed to be closest to me. I admit it, and am not looking for sympathy. That’s just how it worked out. It hurt a lot, and sometimes still does. That hurt produces anger when it festers, and boy did I have my share of that for a long time. I guess some of it is still there, but nowhere near what it was, and I can finally start to see how it all fits. I’m not the only one with these problems, and that’s why every imbecile and their uncle puts the word doctor in front of their name and claims to be an expert. Dr. Ruth, Dr. Phil, Dr. Frankenstein, the list goes on forever. A lot of people are hurting and looking for easy answers to deep rooted problems just like I’ve had. None of this is easy, but it does exist. Part of me is SO glad I reacted to my situation the way I did. I could have easily gotten married had I really pursued it, and maybe even had a trouser sprout or two along the way to throw some gasoline on the fire. I’ve seen it happen to a lot of friends of mine, and it’s a shame because the whole thing goes sour and the kids take the brunt of the most pain. There are a lot of people hurting out there, and thinking about it too long can be a major source of misery and depression. I’ve let it get to me over the years, but now I’m feeling a change of attitude. I guess it’s a part of my own personal evolution, but I definitely feel it. I hear people say they can’t change the past and they have no regrets. Not me. I have so many regrets, I bet I could write a whole book of them. Someone pissed in the bucket that held my bucket list, and it blurred a few of the things on it to the point of hurting my life. That’s all over now, but I’m still here. I may not be rich or famous or handsome or what I think would attract the woman of my dreams, but I am me and I’m finally learning to be comfortable in that role. I really do like myself and am accepting of my faults more than I ever have been. I may not be Brad Pitt, but I’m not Ted Bundy either. I’ve got a chance. There are several women in my life right now I find myself really enjoying spending my time with. I love to flirt and text and have lunch or dinner or hang out and I find the walls that have always been there start to crack a little. If they don’t, I’ll be alone my whole life and I don’t want that either. I guess I’m just a little biscuit that took a long time to bake. This is all part of a very good direction I see myself going. I had lunch with one woman and dinner with another, and I like them both very much. Where is it going? I don’t know, but I wasn’t alone on Valentine’s Day like so many people are and I’ve been myself in the past. I’m really starting to learn lessons in many facets of life. I hope that’s why I’m here.
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