Saturday June 15th 2013 – Fox Lake, IL
I’ve
said for years that when doing standup comedy is no longer fun it’s time to get
out. I think that point is getting close. I love the show part when it goes
well – and in most cases when I’m at a legitimate comedy venue, it does. What I
don’t love is the total insanity that’s everywhere else.
That hour of heaven on stage used to make up
for the 23 hours of hell it took to get there, but it hasn’t been doing it for
me of late. Crowds are getting ruder and stupider at an alarming rate, and
opening acts are so horrible – and filthy – I have to dig myself out of a
gaping hole before I start.
I did a show recently – I won’t say when or
where because I don’t need backlash from the joint or the person who booked it
– that was about as low as I’m going to tolerate it. It was poorly run, and
there was absolutely ZERO respect shown for the art of standup comedy. I won’t
accept that.
There was no stage and no stage lighting in
the room, and the ‘sound system’ was basically just a ‘Mister Microphone’ with
one tiny speaker. The owner came up to me before the show and had a bit of an
attitude. “I got the smaller sound system,” he said. “I mean, all you guys do
is just talk up there. It’s no big deal. I didn’t think you’d need anything too
good so I saved some money.”
He also had the microphone stand with the
elbow in it that’s used for musicians. That’s always a kiss of death for comedy
shows, as it screams loudly the person setting things up is completely
clueless. The right stands cost $20. No excuses. I usually carry one in my car
for just this reason, but I left it with my current group of comedy students
because they wanted to use it for practice.
I was going to walk out right there, but I
needed the money so I gritted my teeth and went to sit down and wait for the
show to start. There was a sporting event on TV that particular evening, so of
course they shut the game off at a crucial moment and that pissed off everybody
in the room.
The ‘host’ was a bartender who went up and
literally brought out a book and read a dirty joke – and not even well. She
stuttered and stumbled through it, and then brought up the opening act but
didn’t even bother to get his name. She just said “Ok, here’s the first guy.” I
wanted to throw up.
She then went back behind the bar, and left
one of the TVs on so people at the bar could watch the game while the show was
on. It was a tiny room, and impossible not to see the TV’s light all through
the rest of the room all through the show. I was praying for a terrorist attack
so I’d avoid having to go on stage in this situation. I could tell it was going
to be a long night, and it sure was.
The opener wasn’t horrible at all, but had
to work extra hard to get their attention. Thankfully, he brought me up rather
than the bartender and I tried to figure out the logistics of the rotten mic
situation so I could get my bearings. Of course there was a table of hecklers
that started in, and it took all the restraint I could muster to avoid burying
that mic stand into the fronts of their skulls.
I politely asked them to be quiet, and then
I had to bring out some artillery. I guess I shouldn’t blame them, as nobody
told anyone to be quiet at the beginning of the night. This was not what I
signed up for when I started out, and it’s not what I’m going to tolerate now.
I have had enough.
Yes, I love to perform – and I’m pretty good
at it – but this kind of humiliation is not my idea of a career in show
business. I did it for the money, but I also did it because I love comedy. I
did not get to do my show because I was too busy fending off boozed up humanoids
all night long.
Nobody from the venue did anything, and
those idiots probably spend a lot of money regularly in that place so there was
no chance whatsoever of them getting thrown out. I had to keep telling them to
be quiet every few minutes, and it totally took me out of any rhythm I tried to
establish.
My contract said I had to do an hour, and I
did it to the second. There would be NO chance for anyone to say I went short
and try to weasel out of payment. That would be worse than standing up there
for an hour and fighting the circumstances, so I took my lumps and plowed
through it.
After the show, I went up to the opener and
shook his hand and thanked him for doing his time. Many times openers bail in
those situations, and then it’s on me to go even longer. He had every
opportunity to do it but he didn’t, and that was very professional. At least he
grasped the concept.
Then in typical fashion of all bad one
nighters, nobody could seem to find the person in charge who was to pay us so
we had to wait around at the bar so everyone and anyone could wander up and
tell us every worn out, disgusting, filthy, racist, badly told old bar joke
there is as we waited.
I was in the basement of hell as I
helplessly stood alone - wishing enemy planes would fly over and drop a big old
bomb on the place to euthanize the torture. The only satisfaction I got was
that I knew all the jokes they were trying to put over on me so I waited until
the very end and hit their punch lines before they could. That’s usually a rude
thing to do, but it kept me from flipping out.
I finally got my money – blood money – and
tried to paste on a fake smile and thank the owner for having me. I did need
the money, but not under these circumstances. Trying to tell them how to do
things correctly is not my place. There’s no way that place should even think
about having a standup comedy show, but someone thought it was a good idea so
they half assed one together.
I do put some of the blame on the person who
booked the show, but most of them never care in the least either. They’re
pimping us out to scarf a buck, and figure we’re ‘artistes’ and can handle
anything. I actually like the person who booked this particular show, but it
was still an abortion.
Should I attempt to report what happened,
I’ll be quickly jettisoned to the “hard to work with” file and never get a call
again. That used to be an issue, but after this I no longer care. I wouldn’t
want to do another show like this, as I’ve done literally thousands to this
point. I’ve had my fill.
Not all of them had this many things wrong
with it though. I must say, this one hit the hell gig jackpot. I shouldn’t have
taken the booking, but in fact I asked for it. It was within a reasonable
distance from my home, and with gas on the north end of $4 that becomes a
factor too. I thought I’d be able to squeeze out a quick buck and go home. It
was a squeeze alright, but on my psyche.
I’m at the point now I really don’t know
what to do. The only thing I truly enjoy is performing, but there aren’t enough
quality bookings anymore that make it worth my while. One can’t do this part
time and maintain any kind of chops. To do any craft correctly, there has to be
a consistency to maintain a level of quality. A weekend warrior won’t cut it - at
least not at any big time level.
I just can’t stomach the thought of having to do
something else, but that’s a distinct possibility. Standup comedy has been my ‘stable’
form of income, and just looking at that in print makes me laugh. If that was my
stability in life, no wonder I’m living hand to mouth like a lowly sewer rat. I
could use a lottery win right about now, but I don’t even have the buck to buy a
ticket. Is there any hope? I’ve got some decent work coming up, but nothing special.
Maybe I can sell a kidney.
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