Numbers Don't Lie

Friday April 25^th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

   After all of the painstaking effort I have put in over a lifetime feverishly attempting to create an identity that is moderately recognizable to the largest amount of people possible, it’s laughable at how tiny a number that turns out to be. It isn’t even close to 1/1000^th of 1% of people on Earth.

   It’s not anywhere near 1/100^th of 1% of the United States, nor does it approach 1/10^th of 1% of the population of the Chicago metropolitan area where I have been based for the majority of my adult life. How’s that for taking some humble pies to the face? It’s like I’ve never even existed.

   I tried to figure out as close to a number of people I have performed live for over my entire life, and the closest number I could come up with is somewhere between around 750,000 and an even million. And that took thirty years of hard work. How many of those would remember my name, even if there were cash and prizes involved? Even at 1% - which it isn’t – I am still an unknown.

   Even at a million I am still an unknown, but that’s more than enough to make a fantastic living – provided that million is reachable and relatively in a maintainable service area. If they were all over the globe at random, that would make it difficult to serve them by doing live performances.

   The people I have performed for are scattered randomly all over North America, and that’s my biggest problem. Other than the Chicago/Milwaukee corridor, nobody has a clue as to who I am – and it’s not all that much there. I can draw a few dozen, but nothing that will define a career.

   Most of my work has been done to groups of about 100-200 on average, and often it’s been far lower than average. How many times have I worked some road house honky-tonk hell hole in an obscure town 1000 miles or more from home in front of 50 or far less? I couldn’t begin to count.

   And even if they liked me – which often they did – was I smart enough to ask for an address of any kind to stay in touch so maybe they might come back next time I was in town? Even before email I guess I could have sent post cards, but it would have taken time and money I didn’t have.

   The truth is, obtaining top of mind awareness with a large group of people is one of the hardest things imaginable. Even McDonald’s has to keep their name pounded into the public’s head, and who hasn’t heard of McDonald’s? They have worldwide presence and a huge advertising budget. I wander all over the country to entertain random people in comedy clubs. I’m a faceless drifter.

   I could live with that if the money was there, but right now it just isn’t. It doesn’t matter what I happen to do on stage unfortunately. I used to think that’s all that meant anything, but that’s just plain wrong. All that matters is if one can put butts in seats, and that’s something I have not ever figured out how to do. Mike Tyson is selling out his one man show. I don’t draw flies to manure.

   What any of this means I really can’t say, other than I need to have more people become aware of who I am as quickly as possible. I started a newsletter this year, but that only has around 2000 on the list. And how many of those actually read it? I sure won’t be getting cocky any time soon.

Gaining the attention of even 1% of the public is a LOT harder than it appears. I've been trying for 30 years, and I'm not even close.

Two Days Notice

Thursday April 24^th, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

   Woe is me. It could be a lot “woer” I suppose, but it’s still pretty cruddy. I got the dreaded call no entertainer ever wants this afternoon telling me the gig I thought I had booked for Saturday is not going to happen as planned. They changed venues, and they’re having a hard time spreading the word to their customer base. There were only a few tickets sold, so they are pulling the plug.

   This is absolutely maddening on many levels, but it’s also part of being self employed. I didn’t have a contract with the guy that booked it, and he’s actually a pretty good guy. I met him maybe a year or so ago when he was booking the original location where the gig started, and I ended up doing a ten minute guest set and blowing the doors off the place. He’s wanted to book me since.

   It’s flattering to be wanted, but not when the actual show doesn’t come off as booked. It’s not my fault they moved locations, but too bad. I have to take the financial pounding. Not only am I not thrilled about it, I turned down a weekend gig out of town. I assumed I’d have this booking.

  Now I’ve got nothing, and it couldn’t have come at a worse time. Summer’s wasteland is right around the corner, and like a squirrel stockpiling acorns I’m trying to get all the work I can in to help me make it through the drought. This was supposed to be a decent paying venue as I heard. It was a partial door deal, and apparently the last few acts through raked in quite a hefty payday.

   That won’t be happening this week, at least not with me. I’m sure the guy will rebook me some other time, and that may or may not be any better. I hope it is, but there’s no guarantee. All I can do is accept it, and move on. What am I supposed to do, sue the guy? This goes with the territory and I knew that going in, but I’m really getting sick of this territory. I’ve taken far too many hits.

   I’m all for cutting people breaks in rough situations, but who cuts me one when I need it? I am out a significant chunk of cash with two days notice, and chances are slim to none I’ll be able to rustle something up with such little warning. I have to eat this now but it will make it hard for me to eat next month because this was expense money. There’s nobody to complain to. I’m screwed.

   In the last couple of years, I figure I’m out about $5000 worth of glitches like this. It makes me sick just thinking about it, but it’s happening more and more. Funny Business Agency still hasn’t paid me $110 in bounced check fees from working their closed club Giggles in Germantown, WI that was bouncing checks all over the place. When I complained about it, they told me to get lost.

   I’d worked for them for twenty years, but that didn’t matter. ONE incident that wasn’t even my fault ended it – and they still didn’t pay up. Little things like this add up, and before I know it it’s Death Valley Days with no work. This kind of stuff happens over and over, and there’s not much an act can do except eat it and hope for the best next time. As for me, I have eaten all I can stand.

   I would be remiss in not mentioning the fact that Zanies Comedy Club in Chicago paid me IN FULL for the shows I did a couple of weeks ago when there was a power outage and we missed a show. THAT’S professional, and should be a lesson to all. That’s what will pay my May rent.

I had a gig fall out this week totally out of the blue with only two days notice. Still want to be self employed?

I wonder if this guy will let me use his sign on Saturday? It's that, or sell another kidney.

I've been working for Zanies Comedy Clubs since the mid '80s and never ONCE have they bounced a check or not paid me for a show. Even two weeks ago when there was a power outage, I was paid IN FULL. Now THAT'S professional. Thank you Zanies! You should be a lesson to everyone in the comedy business. I am extremely grateful.

Otto And George

Wednesday April 23^rd, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

   I heard more sad news today that another outstanding comedian has died. The year is not even half over yet, and there have already been too many of these kinds of stories to report. This time it happens to be another tremendous talent that I personally crossed paths with, and it’s painful.

    Otto Petersen was without question THE funniest ventriloquist I have ever seen. Not only that, if I had to narrow it down to the top two or three laugh out loud funny acts period of all time, his name would be included in the conversation right up there with Rodney, Carlin or anyone else.

   I worked with Otto and his figure George at Zanies Comedy Club in Vernon Hills several years ago. “Otto and George” was a huge act on the east coast, and I had heard of them (him) for years. Otto had a reputation of being a monster act, and comedians would speak of him with reverence.

   Very rarely does something so trumped up beforehand live up to the hype, but Otto and George not only did that - they surpassed it by far. I hosted four weekend shows, so I got to watch the act four straight times. Laugh for laugh, it was right up there with the absolute best I have ever seen.

   There are always exceptions to every rule, and Otto was a shining example. His act was off the charts as far as comparing it to anyone else’s anywhere. For one thing, he was beyond just being “off color” or “dirty” to the point of almost being a felony. His act was a mix of raw, rude, vile, vulgar, coarse, disgusting, racist, sexist, lowbrow, shocking – and absolutely 100% brilliance. 

   It takes a LOT to make most comedians flinch, as we’ve seen it all. I saw a lot before I ever got into comedy, but the first time I saw Otto and George live it made me cringe in utter horror – and also convulse in laughter. That guy took NO prisoners, and subtlety wasn’t part of his repertoire.

   A lot of times an act will attempt to work ‘the edge’ – that imaginary line that separates what is considered to be in good taste and what is considered inappropriate subject matter. Sometimes an entertainer ventures slightly across the line whether calculated or not, and it can be controversial. It creates comedic tension, and when done well can be very effective. Working the edge is an art.

   What I loved about Otto was that there was no tension involved whatsoever. He would venture out WAY past the line, and not worry about straddling it. He got away with it because he wasn’t the perceived bad guy – George was. That’s why it worked so well, and he took full advantage.

   I have a ventriloquist friend that went to see Otto and George, and he said “It was ok, but Otto is a terrible ventriloquist. His lips move all the time.” He was the ONLY one that would happen to notice that, because the rest of the audience was too busy laughing. He destroyed for the entire weekend, and I am fortunate to have been able to work with him. He was in a class by himself.

   We talked a bit between shows, and he was very reserved and down to earth. We hit it off, and I liked him a lot. He was also a dented can as most great performers are, and that’s probably why we bonded. I felt his pain. He passed way too young, and the world is less funny because of it.

Otto (Petersen) and George is THE funniest ventriloquist act I've ever seen, and one of the funniest live acts period. What a terrific talent, and nice person too. He passed way too young, and I'm very sad to hear of it.

A Personal Insult

Tuesday April 22^nd, 2014 – Island Lake, IL

   I’m not all that great at a lot of things in life, and that can be a downer sometimes. Everybody has individual strengths and weaknesses, and it’s human nature to gravitate toward what we are naturally good at. I have never been good at typical ‘manly things’ like building stuff or hunting and fishing. Had I been born back in pioneer days, my family and I likely would have starved. 

   One subject I know quite a bit about is standup comedy. I happen to be pretty good at not only doing it, but teaching others how to do it and/or how to improve what they already do. I’ve done it my entire adult life, and I was a fan of it before that. I’ve been teaching since 1994, and have a long list of people that have taken my class that have nothing but flattering things to say about it.

   I greatly appreciate the nice things those former students say, and many of them have grown to become personal friends. I love to be around standup comedy from a technical standpoint, as I’m constantly learning myself so I can be a better teacher. I put in a lot of time and effort to study it.

   As far as charging goes, my classes have always been an unbeatable bargain because I make it a mission to give all my students ten times whatever they happen to pay for the class at whatever venue they happen to be available. I’ve taught them at comedy clubs, colleges and in a corporate setting. I personally tailor each class to those particular students’ needs, and I work super hard.

   When I started teaching classes in 1994 there wasn’t a standup comedy class within 1000 miles of Chicago. Actually, I started teaching in Milwaukee but moved them to Chicago for Zanies not long after. The Zanies classes were a lot of fun, and we had a steady stream of students lined up.

   Other classes started popping up in time, and that’s going to happen in any business. What still infuriates me is that those ‘teachers’ have never done what they’re teaching. I’m out there in the trenches week after week slaying the dragons, and that qualifies me to be a teacher. I earned it.

   Some wannabe looks at what I do and thinks it’s a source of free money so they start their own “class” and people take it because they don’t know any better. I’ve seen them come and go, and I get more frustrated by the day because those people are stealing money from students, and telling them things that are completely wrong. It’s the equivalent of a man teaching a pregnancy course.

   I have no problem if another competent comedian teaches a class, and in fact I’d recommend it if I knew the person. Bill Gorgo is a perfect example, and he’s terrific. Our teaching styles are as polarly opposite as our acts, but that’s ok. Both of us have the same goals and that’s teaching our students the craft of standup comedy. Bill and I teach together often, and it’s good for everyone.

   Lately I’ve been getting some former students asking me if they should take one of the classes available. What am I supposed to say? “Sure, give your money to someone that hasn’t done what they’re teaching while I’m busting my hump to stay afloat with gas at $4 a gallon.” It’s an insult, and I can’t believe how many people don’t get that. What, am I holding out some magic secret of success I’m not telling you but some other genius will? I just don’t get how some people think. 

Would you pay top dollar to take a course on pregnancy taught by a man? If so, you deserve what you get.