Friday March 6th, 2009 - Vernon Hills, IL
It’s getting down to crunch time now and I can feel the pressure starting to build. I have always liked challenges and this will be a big one for sure. Can I pull off the scorching set I’m hoping for on Tuesday? I won’t know until then and it’s starting to gnaw at my guts.
It won’t matter how nice a guy I am or how many people I’ve helped in my life or if I’m there to make my grandpa or hometown or Zanies proud. All that will matter is if I’m able to make the studio audience laugh enough times in four and a half minutes to have it air.
I also need to avoid doing anything controversial or severely off color but that won’t be an issue. I’m not that kind of comic and that’s not what I’m looking to be known for but it also doesn’t mean something won’t happen out of the blue that won’t change my world.
The Bob and Tom radio show incident is a perfect example. For whatever reason I blew it with them apparently forever by doing something I totally didn’t expect to do and they way overreacted in a way I also totally didn’t expect and now I am wiped off their radar.
I didn’t plan for it and in fact I had planned on having them as an asset but alas it wasn’t in the cards. I still don’t think I did anything wrong but it really doesn’t matter what I may think because it’s not my call. In their eyes I wronged them and no matter how much I’ve tried to make things right they won’t hear anything of it and they continue to ignore me.
How can I change that? I can’t. I can keep trying to find my groove and find people who get what I do and hopefully forge relationships with them and move on. Craig Ferguson is a funny guy and I like his style a lot. I wouldn’t mind at all being associated with him and his show and this is my chance to see if that will be a possibility. I’m being very careful.
The last thing I want to do is go out there and piss off anyone important. No, that isn’t it at all. I don’t want to piss off ANYONE. Period. All I want is to go out and nail a tight set and get some solid laughs and make a few contacts so I can go back and do it all again.
Today I took another three laps in the mall and I used the time to visualize not only this particular set but what I need to do when I get back from L.A. I need to completely start at ground zero and begin to build my career. I haven’t contacted a lot of bookers lately and it won’t hurt to inform them all I just did a national TV spot. It will be a point of contact.
That will keep me busy as will the Uranus Factory Outlet idea. I still want to develop an income from mail order and between that and a comedy course I’ll have my hands full for a while. There won’t be any shortage of things to do when I get back but I still need to get my set ready or I won’t be going back any time soon. I’m still a little unsure of the order.
I went up at Zanies in Vernon Hills tonight for both shows. I forgot a couple of jokes on both occasions and I’m still not 100% there yet. It’s getting better and smoother and I will keep on working it until next Tuesday. After that it’s up to the audience if they’ll buy it.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Five...
Thursday March 5th, 2009 - Vernon Hills, IL
Halfway there and things are looking up. If nothing else I am doing my due diligence on this project and that alone makes me feel good. It’s a feeling of deep satisfaction knowing I didn’t half ass this project at all. I put in my time and gave it my full effort and whatever happens now is out of my hands. I will show up in L.A. on March 10th and take my shot.
I want to be prepared in every way so I can make sure I give my very best that day. I did three more laps in the mall today and even though I’m still sore from the last few days it’s very satisfying to stay on course. I feel like I have a plan and I’m working it exactly right. Day after day I’m working through my doubts and fears and depression and it feels right.
Walking is a great way to get the blood pumping and a sweat bubbling and it allows me to visualize not only my set but the rest of my life as well. Sometimes my mind wanders a little but I bring it back and think about the things I need to be thinking about right now. I am in my own little world but it allows me to keep growing and getting stronger each day.
This is totally my time to shine now and whatever I’m going to do I’m going to do. I am at an age where I’m overdue for a big break and if this isn’t it or at least leads to it I might never get that shot again. I don’t take it lightly and I’m really grateful for this opportunity. I have to believe talent will find it’s level and I have been blessed with comedic ability.
I want to fill my head with good vibes and not let anything get in my way. Tomorrow is my ex business partner’s birthday and I’m just going to let it pass. Sending him a scathing email is not worth my time even though at one point I was looking forward to it. He is not preparing to be on national TV. He’s suckling his mother’s teat living at home at age 43.
There are plenty of leeches like that who have never or will ever feel the thrill of all this I’m doing right now. Billy Joel’s brother in law apparently ripped him off for millions but no matter how much money he got he will NEVER feel the thrill of what it’s like to be an outstanding entertainer like Billy Joel. They can steal money but they can’t steal the thrill.
NOBODY can steal my lifetime of experience and all the dues I paid to get to this point to be standing on the verge of my big chance. I want to enjoy it all. I want to relish and be able to savor every single second of the time I’m standing there doing my set on camera.
I got an email from Keith Alberstadt who just did his Letterman shot recently. He gave me two bits of advice: 1. Have fun. Remember that you'll always remember this moment.
2. Take your time. I know your style tends to make you talk fast. By no means break your style, but I found that by slowing down a little, the audience was able to enjoy it more.
He’s completely correct. I do talk very fast and that is my style but I’ve been working at tempering that and it will be a conscious effort on my part to slow down and let it breathe. In a club I like to pummel the audience and it’s very effective when it works and most of the time it works quite well actually. This is a different animal and I need to respect that.
Tonight I had my best performance of the set so far. I did it in Vernon Hills at Zanies at the front of my act. I headlined the show but the emcee John DaCosse told them to let me work my set out up front and then we would start my show. It was the first time I went up without my notes and it started to show some flow which made me feel extreme relief.
This just isn’t normally the way I work so I have to take that into consideration but they couldn’t care less about that at the show. They want me to be FUNNY. Period. They have no interest in what’s easy or not easy for me or how I’ve done it in the past. This is a fact. I don’t take it personally and I know I need to be able to deliver the goods on March 10th.
What made me feel a lot better was listening to an interview with Quincy Jones on how the Thriller album was made. I have a special edition of it and the interviews are fantastic. There’s also a rough cut version of Billie Jean that showed how a skeleton of a particular entity can be a lot different than the actual finished product. This was no where near that.
Michael Jackson hemmed and hawed and the lyrics weren’t finished yet and it wasn’t a song at all really. It was a demo and a building block on what would become a huge hit. It feels the same for me too to be doing the set now. It’s nowhere near a finished product.
I better shake my booty a little if I want it to be one. I’ve only got five days to get it to a place I can work with it so ready or not here it comes. Any other time in life when I really needed to have something come through it did and I have full confidence it will yet again.
Taking the time I’m taking to go over it as many times as I am and analyzing each line and trying to say it different ways is all part of why I’m feeling so good about it. I’ve been a comedian my whole life and have never come even close to working this hard before on a single set for any reason. It may be uncomfortable now but I know it will pay off soon.
What’s extremely flattering is how people around me are so confident I’ll do well. ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. You’ll be great. I just KNOW it!’ It’s the common response and it’s very reassuring to hear it because I still have that little seed of doubt somewhere in there.
I’ve had too many oddball breaks in my life to assume anything is smooth sailing. I had thought my stint on the Loop was my big break and we were poised to ride that for a nice little run but that got yanked out from under all of us and nobody knows why to this day.
This is a little different though. This is a one time shot which will hopefully lead to a lot of other shots if I’m lucky. Unfortunately luck does have something to do with it and I am going to have to have some good luck to parlay this one opportunity into a solid career.
I have to remember that Mr. Lucky is a character I play onstage and Dobie Maxwell is a real person who does have good things happen to him while he’s playing the role of a guy who has bad luck all the time. I don’t need to get those roles confused because in the past I think I totally did. This is going to be fun and no matter what happens I’ll be grateful.
Halfway there and things are looking up. If nothing else I am doing my due diligence on this project and that alone makes me feel good. It’s a feeling of deep satisfaction knowing I didn’t half ass this project at all. I put in my time and gave it my full effort and whatever happens now is out of my hands. I will show up in L.A. on March 10th and take my shot.
I want to be prepared in every way so I can make sure I give my very best that day. I did three more laps in the mall today and even though I’m still sore from the last few days it’s very satisfying to stay on course. I feel like I have a plan and I’m working it exactly right. Day after day I’m working through my doubts and fears and depression and it feels right.
Walking is a great way to get the blood pumping and a sweat bubbling and it allows me to visualize not only my set but the rest of my life as well. Sometimes my mind wanders a little but I bring it back and think about the things I need to be thinking about right now. I am in my own little world but it allows me to keep growing and getting stronger each day.
This is totally my time to shine now and whatever I’m going to do I’m going to do. I am at an age where I’m overdue for a big break and if this isn’t it or at least leads to it I might never get that shot again. I don’t take it lightly and I’m really grateful for this opportunity. I have to believe talent will find it’s level and I have been blessed with comedic ability.
I want to fill my head with good vibes and not let anything get in my way. Tomorrow is my ex business partner’s birthday and I’m just going to let it pass. Sending him a scathing email is not worth my time even though at one point I was looking forward to it. He is not preparing to be on national TV. He’s suckling his mother’s teat living at home at age 43.
There are plenty of leeches like that who have never or will ever feel the thrill of all this I’m doing right now. Billy Joel’s brother in law apparently ripped him off for millions but no matter how much money he got he will NEVER feel the thrill of what it’s like to be an outstanding entertainer like Billy Joel. They can steal money but they can’t steal the thrill.
NOBODY can steal my lifetime of experience and all the dues I paid to get to this point to be standing on the verge of my big chance. I want to enjoy it all. I want to relish and be able to savor every single second of the time I’m standing there doing my set on camera.
I got an email from Keith Alberstadt who just did his Letterman shot recently. He gave me two bits of advice: 1. Have fun. Remember that you'll always remember this moment.
2. Take your time. I know your style tends to make you talk fast. By no means break your style, but I found that by slowing down a little, the audience was able to enjoy it more.
He’s completely correct. I do talk very fast and that is my style but I’ve been working at tempering that and it will be a conscious effort on my part to slow down and let it breathe. In a club I like to pummel the audience and it’s very effective when it works and most of the time it works quite well actually. This is a different animal and I need to respect that.
Tonight I had my best performance of the set so far. I did it in Vernon Hills at Zanies at the front of my act. I headlined the show but the emcee John DaCosse told them to let me work my set out up front and then we would start my show. It was the first time I went up without my notes and it started to show some flow which made me feel extreme relief.
This just isn’t normally the way I work so I have to take that into consideration but they couldn’t care less about that at the show. They want me to be FUNNY. Period. They have no interest in what’s easy or not easy for me or how I’ve done it in the past. This is a fact. I don’t take it personally and I know I need to be able to deliver the goods on March 10th.
What made me feel a lot better was listening to an interview with Quincy Jones on how the Thriller album was made. I have a special edition of it and the interviews are fantastic. There’s also a rough cut version of Billie Jean that showed how a skeleton of a particular entity can be a lot different than the actual finished product. This was no where near that.
Michael Jackson hemmed and hawed and the lyrics weren’t finished yet and it wasn’t a song at all really. It was a demo and a building block on what would become a huge hit. It feels the same for me too to be doing the set now. It’s nowhere near a finished product.
I better shake my booty a little if I want it to be one. I’ve only got five days to get it to a place I can work with it so ready or not here it comes. Any other time in life when I really needed to have something come through it did and I have full confidence it will yet again.
Taking the time I’m taking to go over it as many times as I am and analyzing each line and trying to say it different ways is all part of why I’m feeling so good about it. I’ve been a comedian my whole life and have never come even close to working this hard before on a single set for any reason. It may be uncomfortable now but I know it will pay off soon.
What’s extremely flattering is how people around me are so confident I’ll do well. ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. You’ll be great. I just KNOW it!’ It’s the common response and it’s very reassuring to hear it because I still have that little seed of doubt somewhere in there.
I’ve had too many oddball breaks in my life to assume anything is smooth sailing. I had thought my stint on the Loop was my big break and we were poised to ride that for a nice little run but that got yanked out from under all of us and nobody knows why to this day.
This is a little different though. This is a one time shot which will hopefully lead to a lot of other shots if I’m lucky. Unfortunately luck does have something to do with it and I am going to have to have some good luck to parlay this one opportunity into a solid career.
I have to remember that Mr. Lucky is a character I play onstage and Dobie Maxwell is a real person who does have good things happen to him while he’s playing the role of a guy who has bad luck all the time. I don’t need to get those roles confused because in the past I think I totally did. This is going to be fun and no matter what happens I’ll be grateful.
Seven, Six...
Wednesday March 4th, 2009 - Milwaukee, WI
I think I need to go back and take a math class. I thought I was counting down to my big day but I blew it. I started on March 1st and am taping on the 10th. That’s ten days, right? I never was a whiz with numbers but it doesn’t seem that difficult. Today is supposed to be day seven which means I’ll be a day short on the 10th but it’s too late to start over again.
I guess I’ll have to live with it and just keep counting. I know when the damn day is. It’s next Tuesday and however many days away that is that’s when I’m going to be in L.A. for a chance to finally begin a comedy career. Everything else in my life is taking a back seat.
No matter how I feel inside my dented can head really doesn’t matter to anyone but me. Everyone else has their own river of problems to paddle through and I’m not going to let myself blow this opportunity no matter how deep a mental funk I may be in now. I’m still doing everything right that I need to do to make this experience pay off in a very big way.
Again I forced myself to get out of bed and out of the house rather than waste the whole day like I‘ve been known to do in the past. My first stop was at Radio Shack of all places to pick up some batteries for two recording devices I have so I can get a recorded version of the set down and then play it over and over and over again until I know it verbatim.
One is an old cassette mini recorder I’ve had for years but never used. The other was an add on when I bought my computer and I haven’t used that yet either. Now they are both in working order so one way or another I’ll be able to get that done in the next day or so.
After that I went back to the mall and took another three laps and reviewed my set over and over and over again in my head. I pictured myself on the stage in L.A. and I heard the crowd pop with laughter and applause and I saw Craig Ferguson’s face with a smile on it.
I pictured it all vividly as if it were really happening instead of me just imagining it and that made my walk seem a lot shorter than it was. Three laps in the Gurnee Mills mall is a long hike and I was again spent and sweating when I finished. But I felt like I worked out and I did both mentally and physically. This is the right thing to do if I want to get better.
After my walk I went once again to the Golden Corral and had a plate full of vegetables. I didn’t have a soda and I didn’t have dessert either. I also bought a newspaper and did the crossword puzzle which I really enjoy. I worked out my mind, body and ate healthy too.
Doing these kinds of things over and over again will guarantee I will get a return on this investment at some point. It has to happen. It’s the old law of sowing and reaping and that law never changes. I’m doing a lot of solid things that a lot of others would not do at all.
I’ll be the first one to admit I should have been doing a lot of these things years ago on a regular basis but that’s not important now. What is important is that I’m doing them right before I head out to L.A. and not just winging it and seeing what happens. I’m preparing.
It’s very difficult because I never had to do this before. Oh sure I could have done it but I didn’t HAVE to do it. I had enough natural comedic ability to get me through whatever I needed but now that I’m seeing how the TV game works I am embracing this challenge.
This can only make me a better comic and it truly already has. I sliced and diced and did a lot of editing and rearranging and still am in the tweaking process but I see how this is a necessary part of forging material and there are no shortcuts around it. This takes WORK.
I’m putting in my work on this particular set and it’s giving me all kinds of ideas for the next set I’ll write and the one after that too. I’m seeing the process and liking it and I’ll do the same with all the rest of my material. I’ll bet I have a dozen or more TV spots in me.
Material isn’t the most important ingredient in all of this though. It’s important but not most important. Character and likeability are what will take me places. If the public buys Mr. Lucky like they did Rodney Dangerfield I’ll be in a very good space for a long time.
That’s a big if though. Rodney was around my age when Johnny Carson took a liking to him and he was on The Tonight Show 70 times. SEVENTY! I would love it if I captured the fancy of not only Craig Ferguson but his fans too. I think he’s a very funny guy and is a quick wit just like I am and I’d love to come out on the couch and riff back and forth.
First I need to prove myself and do ONE set without throwing up or having security get angry and kick me out of the building. One is all I need for now and that’s why I’m doing all the work I’m doing to make sure I put my best foot forward. This is a really big deal.
An even bigger deal was the surprise I got up in Milwaukee tonight at the BBC over on East North Avenue. My friend Art Hinty did one of his once a month live shows booked under his ‘Big Boned Comedy’ umbrella. He is the new Godfather of the upstart comedy scene in Milwaukee and he’s perfect for the gig. He loves comedy and it really shows.
Art generously offered me the chance to run through my set in front of that audience if I wanted and I took him up on it. I can do Zanies anytime but Art’s shows are once a month so I wanted to go up mainly to support the Milwaukee scene but to do the set again also.
I got up and fumbled through it but I got the lines out and that’s all I cared about. When I finished Art and Melissa Fleming of ‘Mel and Blossom’ came to the stage and presented me with money the comics came up with when they passed the hat. That blew me away.
These guys are out there struggling their asses off and they took up a collection for ME. I still can’t believe it and am grateful beyond words for such a pure gesture of kindness. I try to be that way myself and when it comes back it’s overpowering but in a positive way.
I was told Jeff Lampton started the idea and others followed. Thank you Jeff. Thanks to Art and Mel and all the others who did that for me. Yes, I have to pay my expenses there but I knew that. This was totally unexpected but really appreciated. I sure can’t suck now.
I think I need to go back and take a math class. I thought I was counting down to my big day but I blew it. I started on March 1st and am taping on the 10th. That’s ten days, right? I never was a whiz with numbers but it doesn’t seem that difficult. Today is supposed to be day seven which means I’ll be a day short on the 10th but it’s too late to start over again.
I guess I’ll have to live with it and just keep counting. I know when the damn day is. It’s next Tuesday and however many days away that is that’s when I’m going to be in L.A. for a chance to finally begin a comedy career. Everything else in my life is taking a back seat.
No matter how I feel inside my dented can head really doesn’t matter to anyone but me. Everyone else has their own river of problems to paddle through and I’m not going to let myself blow this opportunity no matter how deep a mental funk I may be in now. I’m still doing everything right that I need to do to make this experience pay off in a very big way.
Again I forced myself to get out of bed and out of the house rather than waste the whole day like I‘ve been known to do in the past. My first stop was at Radio Shack of all places to pick up some batteries for two recording devices I have so I can get a recorded version of the set down and then play it over and over and over again until I know it verbatim.
One is an old cassette mini recorder I’ve had for years but never used. The other was an add on when I bought my computer and I haven’t used that yet either. Now they are both in working order so one way or another I’ll be able to get that done in the next day or so.
After that I went back to the mall and took another three laps and reviewed my set over and over and over again in my head. I pictured myself on the stage in L.A. and I heard the crowd pop with laughter and applause and I saw Craig Ferguson’s face with a smile on it.
I pictured it all vividly as if it were really happening instead of me just imagining it and that made my walk seem a lot shorter than it was. Three laps in the Gurnee Mills mall is a long hike and I was again spent and sweating when I finished. But I felt like I worked out and I did both mentally and physically. This is the right thing to do if I want to get better.
After my walk I went once again to the Golden Corral and had a plate full of vegetables. I didn’t have a soda and I didn’t have dessert either. I also bought a newspaper and did the crossword puzzle which I really enjoy. I worked out my mind, body and ate healthy too.
Doing these kinds of things over and over again will guarantee I will get a return on this investment at some point. It has to happen. It’s the old law of sowing and reaping and that law never changes. I’m doing a lot of solid things that a lot of others would not do at all.
I’ll be the first one to admit I should have been doing a lot of these things years ago on a regular basis but that’s not important now. What is important is that I’m doing them right before I head out to L.A. and not just winging it and seeing what happens. I’m preparing.
It’s very difficult because I never had to do this before. Oh sure I could have done it but I didn’t HAVE to do it. I had enough natural comedic ability to get me through whatever I needed but now that I’m seeing how the TV game works I am embracing this challenge.
This can only make me a better comic and it truly already has. I sliced and diced and did a lot of editing and rearranging and still am in the tweaking process but I see how this is a necessary part of forging material and there are no shortcuts around it. This takes WORK.
I’m putting in my work on this particular set and it’s giving me all kinds of ideas for the next set I’ll write and the one after that too. I’m seeing the process and liking it and I’ll do the same with all the rest of my material. I’ll bet I have a dozen or more TV spots in me.
Material isn’t the most important ingredient in all of this though. It’s important but not most important. Character and likeability are what will take me places. If the public buys Mr. Lucky like they did Rodney Dangerfield I’ll be in a very good space for a long time.
That’s a big if though. Rodney was around my age when Johnny Carson took a liking to him and he was on The Tonight Show 70 times. SEVENTY! I would love it if I captured the fancy of not only Craig Ferguson but his fans too. I think he’s a very funny guy and is a quick wit just like I am and I’d love to come out on the couch and riff back and forth.
First I need to prove myself and do ONE set without throwing up or having security get angry and kick me out of the building. One is all I need for now and that’s why I’m doing all the work I’m doing to make sure I put my best foot forward. This is a really big deal.
An even bigger deal was the surprise I got up in Milwaukee tonight at the BBC over on East North Avenue. My friend Art Hinty did one of his once a month live shows booked under his ‘Big Boned Comedy’ umbrella. He is the new Godfather of the upstart comedy scene in Milwaukee and he’s perfect for the gig. He loves comedy and it really shows.
Art generously offered me the chance to run through my set in front of that audience if I wanted and I took him up on it. I can do Zanies anytime but Art’s shows are once a month so I wanted to go up mainly to support the Milwaukee scene but to do the set again also.
I got up and fumbled through it but I got the lines out and that’s all I cared about. When I finished Art and Melissa Fleming of ‘Mel and Blossom’ came to the stage and presented me with money the comics came up with when they passed the hat. That blew me away.
These guys are out there struggling their asses off and they took up a collection for ME. I still can’t believe it and am grateful beyond words for such a pure gesture of kindness. I try to be that way myself and when it comes back it’s overpowering but in a positive way.
I was told Jeff Lampton started the idea and others followed. Thank you Jeff. Thanks to Art and Mel and all the others who did that for me. Yes, I have to pay my expenses there but I knew that. This was totally unexpected but really appreciated. I sure can’t suck now.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Eight...
Tuesday March 3rd, 2009 - Chicago, IL
The countdown continues at eight. I’m doing all the right things I need to do to be ready when the red camera light goes on next Tuesday no matter how listless I feel today, and to be honest I totally do. The only difference is I am looking past this bad spot to the payoff.
That’s something I usually am not able to do so I guess this is a positive. Usually I’m all consumed with this horrible feeling of darkness and hopelessness and it completely drains all of my energy. I don’t want to do anything but sleep and life itself seems like a waste of my time. It’s a black hole of emotional torture and I’m a scared little boy wanting to die.
How’s that for light and fluffy lunch chit chat at the diner over a cheeseburger? I’m just being honest about what these dark funky periods feel like and those who can relate know exactly how it feels and it’s probably hitting a little close to the bone. My friend Max can relate to everything I’m saying and I talked to him on the phone today. He is a true friend.
More than once we’ve talked each other off the ledge when we’re like this and we both get like this on occasion. I just helped him a couple of months ago and today he was very good about paying it back. He knew what to say to make me think good thoughts and I’m very grateful for that. He took my mind off the darkness and focused it on what’s good.
The fact that I’m in line to be on a national television show performing standup comedy is bordering on a miracle. From where I’ve come from and all the mistakes I’ve made and bad breaks I’ve gotten and the combination thereof, this is THE biggest break of my life.
Max made a great point that after these periods there always comes a creative surge and a period of clear thinking and that made me glad that this is happening now. He likened it to the period of labor before a birth. The pain is here now but next week the baby is due.
I really was starting to have doubts that this was ever going to happen at all. I have been out of touch with the L.A. scene for years and didn’t really have anyone to ‘put in a word’ on my behalf with any talent coordinators. I really thought I’d have to give up the dream.
My doubts are vanishing quickly though as I received an email from CBS today telling me where to report next week and when to be there. I must say I have never been treated better than I have by the two people I’ve been in contact with this whole time. They have been quick to answer emails and keep me informed and it’s been a pleasure all the way.
Once again I went to the Gurnee Mills Mall and walked until I was sore and sweaty but this time it was even earlier than before. I got it out of the way first and then ate a healthy lunch and went home and took a nap. I didn’t have any bad dreams and actually rested up.
Tonight I drove to Chicago to run through the set two times. Once was at Zanies and the other at an open mike. It’s not perfect yet but it’s improving. This is how to do it. I’m not letting depression steal my dreams. I’m doing my due diligence and I’ll be ready for L.A.
The countdown continues at eight. I’m doing all the right things I need to do to be ready when the red camera light goes on next Tuesday no matter how listless I feel today, and to be honest I totally do. The only difference is I am looking past this bad spot to the payoff.
That’s something I usually am not able to do so I guess this is a positive. Usually I’m all consumed with this horrible feeling of darkness and hopelessness and it completely drains all of my energy. I don’t want to do anything but sleep and life itself seems like a waste of my time. It’s a black hole of emotional torture and I’m a scared little boy wanting to die.
How’s that for light and fluffy lunch chit chat at the diner over a cheeseburger? I’m just being honest about what these dark funky periods feel like and those who can relate know exactly how it feels and it’s probably hitting a little close to the bone. My friend Max can relate to everything I’m saying and I talked to him on the phone today. He is a true friend.
More than once we’ve talked each other off the ledge when we’re like this and we both get like this on occasion. I just helped him a couple of months ago and today he was very good about paying it back. He knew what to say to make me think good thoughts and I’m very grateful for that. He took my mind off the darkness and focused it on what’s good.
The fact that I’m in line to be on a national television show performing standup comedy is bordering on a miracle. From where I’ve come from and all the mistakes I’ve made and bad breaks I’ve gotten and the combination thereof, this is THE biggest break of my life.
Max made a great point that after these periods there always comes a creative surge and a period of clear thinking and that made me glad that this is happening now. He likened it to the period of labor before a birth. The pain is here now but next week the baby is due.
I really was starting to have doubts that this was ever going to happen at all. I have been out of touch with the L.A. scene for years and didn’t really have anyone to ‘put in a word’ on my behalf with any talent coordinators. I really thought I’d have to give up the dream.
My doubts are vanishing quickly though as I received an email from CBS today telling me where to report next week and when to be there. I must say I have never been treated better than I have by the two people I’ve been in contact with this whole time. They have been quick to answer emails and keep me informed and it’s been a pleasure all the way.
Once again I went to the Gurnee Mills Mall and walked until I was sore and sweaty but this time it was even earlier than before. I got it out of the way first and then ate a healthy lunch and went home and took a nap. I didn’t have any bad dreams and actually rested up.
Tonight I drove to Chicago to run through the set two times. Once was at Zanies and the other at an open mike. It’s not perfect yet but it’s improving. This is how to do it. I’m not letting depression steal my dreams. I’m doing my due diligence and I’ll be ready for L.A.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Nine...
Monday March 2nd, 2009 - Chicago, IL
Nine days away from the taping date and I’m plowing through my dark patch doing the things I need to do. I couldn’t go to sleep last night so I watched a couple of episodes of my favorite light hearted feel good prison romp ‘Oz’ from HBO. I enjoy that show a lot.
It’s well written, well acted and well produced too. I wanted to escape the darkness for a little while but unfortunately today it was still here. I went to bed around 6am and that’s also part of the clue I’m having one of my dark funks again. It screws up my sleep times.
I also had some disturbing dreams and that’s another sign too. All the ingredients are in place and I’ve experienced all this before so I know I have to do things I don’t want to for a little while until it passes. Thankfully it always seems to pass. When I’m in it it’s horrid but then it goes away and not only do I feel better, I always have a creative surge. Always.
It sure sucks the bottom of a plunger when it’s happening though and that’s right now. I crawled out of bed at 10:20 and forced myself to get dressed and go straight to the Gurnee Mills Mall to start walking and get some exercise. Laying around won’t do me any good.
Not only did I walk the mall I took THREE laps. That’s something I’ve never ever done before no matter how I was feeling and it felt good to do something I knew was difficult. I was sore and sweating when I finished but I felt like I accomplished something. After that I went to the old Golden Corral to pack some vegetables down the pipe. I needed it badly.
No sodas. No fried foods. No fun. But at least I made an effort to keep working through this and not just lay down and shrivel up even though that’s what I totally felt like doing. I know nobody else really cares how I’m feeling so the right thing to do is just suck it up.
Another thing I didn’t want to do was go to Zanies tonight but I know I needed to and I did. Not only did I need the money I also needed to go through my set in front of a crowd. It was kind of awkward since I was the host but halfway through the show Bert Haas gave me a slot to run through it and I did. It felt strange but I got the lines out and didn’t falter.
Some lines got better laughs than others but at least I did it. I won’t come close to doing it eighty times like Jerry Seinfeld allegedly did before his first TV shot but at least I’ll get a few shots this week. I’ll try to go up as many times as humanly possible and work it out.
I didn’t tell anyone at the club I was in a rut. Who wants to hear that? I don’t. I strapped on a smile and tried to be friendly and nobody noticed I really didn’t want to be there. It’s a bitch going through this and there aren’t many people I can discuss it with so rather than bore or frighten someone who doesn’t get it I think it’s best to shut up and cover it up.
It doesn’t hide the fact that it’s still there though. I am not ‘all better now’ just because I exercised and ate ok and went over my TV set in front of a crowd. Those are things I need to be doing no matter how I feel. It’s just a lot tougher now. This is a hell of a challenge.
Nine days away from the taping date and I’m plowing through my dark patch doing the things I need to do. I couldn’t go to sleep last night so I watched a couple of episodes of my favorite light hearted feel good prison romp ‘Oz’ from HBO. I enjoy that show a lot.
It’s well written, well acted and well produced too. I wanted to escape the darkness for a little while but unfortunately today it was still here. I went to bed around 6am and that’s also part of the clue I’m having one of my dark funks again. It screws up my sleep times.
I also had some disturbing dreams and that’s another sign too. All the ingredients are in place and I’ve experienced all this before so I know I have to do things I don’t want to for a little while until it passes. Thankfully it always seems to pass. When I’m in it it’s horrid but then it goes away and not only do I feel better, I always have a creative surge. Always.
It sure sucks the bottom of a plunger when it’s happening though and that’s right now. I crawled out of bed at 10:20 and forced myself to get dressed and go straight to the Gurnee Mills Mall to start walking and get some exercise. Laying around won’t do me any good.
Not only did I walk the mall I took THREE laps. That’s something I’ve never ever done before no matter how I was feeling and it felt good to do something I knew was difficult. I was sore and sweating when I finished but I felt like I accomplished something. After that I went to the old Golden Corral to pack some vegetables down the pipe. I needed it badly.
No sodas. No fried foods. No fun. But at least I made an effort to keep working through this and not just lay down and shrivel up even though that’s what I totally felt like doing. I know nobody else really cares how I’m feeling so the right thing to do is just suck it up.
Another thing I didn’t want to do was go to Zanies tonight but I know I needed to and I did. Not only did I need the money I also needed to go through my set in front of a crowd. It was kind of awkward since I was the host but halfway through the show Bert Haas gave me a slot to run through it and I did. It felt strange but I got the lines out and didn’t falter.
Some lines got better laughs than others but at least I did it. I won’t come close to doing it eighty times like Jerry Seinfeld allegedly did before his first TV shot but at least I’ll get a few shots this week. I’ll try to go up as many times as humanly possible and work it out.
I didn’t tell anyone at the club I was in a rut. Who wants to hear that? I don’t. I strapped on a smile and tried to be friendly and nobody noticed I really didn’t want to be there. It’s a bitch going through this and there aren’t many people I can discuss it with so rather than bore or frighten someone who doesn’t get it I think it’s best to shut up and cover it up.
It doesn’t hide the fact that it’s still there though. I am not ‘all better now’ just because I exercised and ate ok and went over my TV set in front of a crowd. Those are things I need to be doing no matter how I feel. It’s just a lot tougher now. This is a hell of a challenge.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Ten Days To TV Taping
Sunday March 1st, 2009 - Lake Zurich, IL/Kenosha, WI
Hello darkness, my old friend. The wormy side of that revolving apple that is my life is exposed again and right at the worst possible time. I’ve been in a strong mental space for a long time now but I feel it turning and quickly too. I sense that deep dark funk brewing. I know the feeling all too well as I’ve had it countless times before. This is a cruel joke.
I haven’t had one of these in a long time but in the space of 24 hours I feel a turnaround in my whole mental and physical being. It’s ugly and I hate it. Why now? This is time for me to be concentrating on positive things. I want to but I can’t lie. I’m in a horrible place.
It started last night when I visited the Barrel of Laughs in Oak Lawn after the fun show at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. I was actually in a great space until Bill Brady the owner of the Barrel made a comment to me that was really nasty and uncalled for. He is a very nice person as a rule but what he said just really got to me and made me hurt.
I don’t want to get into it but it’s something boorish and stupid like my father would say and it put me in a bad space. It kicked me right in the balls of my self esteem and as soon as he said it I told him it did. He tried to laugh it off but I didn’t find it funny at all. I left immediately and didn’t want to let him know how much it bothered me but it totally did.
It bothered me all the way home and it bothered me all day today. I’ve had enough pain in my life without having someone I thought was a friend say something like that and get me to feel that low. I know I don’t have to ‘let it’ but right now Tony Robbins tapes aren’t helping me get over it. It caught me totally by surprise and it upset my inner apple cart.
Then to make it worse today I went to see two of Jerry Agar’s kids perform in a version of The Sound of Music at a school auditorium in Lake Zurich. It was packed with lots of families cheering on their kids and it all reminded me of what I never had and it made me want to jump off the roof and stop the pain. That was the last thing I needed to see today.
Jerry’s son Cooper is 13 and was the lead male role. He was wonderful and I knew he’d be exactly that. That kid has ‘it’ and always has. He was born with it and at age 13 he’s at a higher level of show business than I am. He’s been in movies already and even got to be in the Sundance Film Festival in Utah when he was about seven. He’s a gifted performer.
That’s all great and I love to watch all the kids in whatever they do. I feel like I’m in the family and I’m happy to support but I can’t help noticing all the other doting parents who are there supporting their kids and every time I see that it just rips my heart out and makes me feel like a complete unloved loser. My parents didn’t come to see any of us at any age.
I know it shouldn’t bother me at all and many times it doesn’t but on days like today the wormy side of the apple is exposed and it stings to the bone. I had a difficult time lasting for the whole performance and I had to grit my teeth and sit there until it was over with. It was supposed to be a happy time and I was happy for Cooper but it made me feel rotten.
This is the part of being a dented can not everyone can relate to just as I can’t relate to how the mind of an alcoholic works. To me it’s easy - stop drinking you boozed up idiot. I know it’s not that easy because millions of people have problems with it but that’s one I can’t relate to. I never drank and on days like today I’m thankful I don‘t or I‘d be drunk.
I want to write about this in hopes I can help not only myself but others too. What’s the trigger that really set me off like this? Was it Bill Brady’s nasty jab? Maybe, but I doubt it was the only thing. I’ve been once again eating poorly and I missed a couple of exercising walks through the Gurnee Mills Mall and maybe that has something to do with it as well.
I think it goes deeper than that though. I’ve been struggling my whole life and trying my best to get by and make an honest living but the years of stress are probably starting to get to me finally. I have had to focus so much on survival that I never had time to concentrate on really being creative and especially on having the family life I always wanted. I miss it.
I miss it more than I can put into words. I never felt love from a family and I feel it even less now. I’ve tried to get in touch with my siblings and they blow me off and won’t even tell me why they won’t talk to me. I know I’m a nut and I know I’m not perfect but I want to at least be able to look them in the eye and apologize and get us all back to zero again.
No matter how far back in my mind I push all this stuff it’s still there and when my dark times come back this is all part of it. It hurts so much I don’t want to deal with it but I am not going to lie and say it doesn’t bother me because it does. I don’t know how to fix it. It won’t go away and I’ve tried every way I know how to swallow my pride and reverse it.
I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. Last night as I drove back from the comedy club I passed Wrigleyville and saw all those twenty-somethings drunk off their ass and trying to find cabs at 2am and thought of how I was never part of that scene at any time in my life.
I feel like I really am from another planet and I wouldn’t mind a one way trip back there at any time. I thought I was starting to adjust pretty well and get a flow going but after last night I feel farther away from anything than I ever have. Quite frankly I don’t want to live like this and if I could lay down and give my remaining time to someone else I’d do that.
This isn’t the kind of mindset to be in just ten days out from my national TV debut that I’ve been waiting for my whole life but that’s how I’m feeling today. I don’t really care if I go out there or not at this point and I know I shouldn’t think this way but that’s the truth.
I want to lay down in my bed and not get out until this goes away. That’s no way to live.
Actually living itself doesn’t interest me all that much right now. This is getting totally old and I’ve been here before. Am I supposed to learn something from it? I don’t know. All I know is I am in a funk and it even affected The Mothership Connection radio show in Kenosha tonight. I wasn’t really into it and my co-host Lara noticed it. She asked me if I was distracted by something and I told her I was but left it there. This is horrible timing.
Hello darkness, my old friend. The wormy side of that revolving apple that is my life is exposed again and right at the worst possible time. I’ve been in a strong mental space for a long time now but I feel it turning and quickly too. I sense that deep dark funk brewing. I know the feeling all too well as I’ve had it countless times before. This is a cruel joke.
I haven’t had one of these in a long time but in the space of 24 hours I feel a turnaround in my whole mental and physical being. It’s ugly and I hate it. Why now? This is time for me to be concentrating on positive things. I want to but I can’t lie. I’m in a horrible place.
It started last night when I visited the Barrel of Laughs in Oak Lawn after the fun show at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. I was actually in a great space until Bill Brady the owner of the Barrel made a comment to me that was really nasty and uncalled for. He is a very nice person as a rule but what he said just really got to me and made me hurt.
I don’t want to get into it but it’s something boorish and stupid like my father would say and it put me in a bad space. It kicked me right in the balls of my self esteem and as soon as he said it I told him it did. He tried to laugh it off but I didn’t find it funny at all. I left immediately and didn’t want to let him know how much it bothered me but it totally did.
It bothered me all the way home and it bothered me all day today. I’ve had enough pain in my life without having someone I thought was a friend say something like that and get me to feel that low. I know I don’t have to ‘let it’ but right now Tony Robbins tapes aren’t helping me get over it. It caught me totally by surprise and it upset my inner apple cart.
Then to make it worse today I went to see two of Jerry Agar’s kids perform in a version of The Sound of Music at a school auditorium in Lake Zurich. It was packed with lots of families cheering on their kids and it all reminded me of what I never had and it made me want to jump off the roof and stop the pain. That was the last thing I needed to see today.
Jerry’s son Cooper is 13 and was the lead male role. He was wonderful and I knew he’d be exactly that. That kid has ‘it’ and always has. He was born with it and at age 13 he’s at a higher level of show business than I am. He’s been in movies already and even got to be in the Sundance Film Festival in Utah when he was about seven. He’s a gifted performer.
That’s all great and I love to watch all the kids in whatever they do. I feel like I’m in the family and I’m happy to support but I can’t help noticing all the other doting parents who are there supporting their kids and every time I see that it just rips my heart out and makes me feel like a complete unloved loser. My parents didn’t come to see any of us at any age.
I know it shouldn’t bother me at all and many times it doesn’t but on days like today the wormy side of the apple is exposed and it stings to the bone. I had a difficult time lasting for the whole performance and I had to grit my teeth and sit there until it was over with. It was supposed to be a happy time and I was happy for Cooper but it made me feel rotten.
This is the part of being a dented can not everyone can relate to just as I can’t relate to how the mind of an alcoholic works. To me it’s easy - stop drinking you boozed up idiot. I know it’s not that easy because millions of people have problems with it but that’s one I can’t relate to. I never drank and on days like today I’m thankful I don‘t or I‘d be drunk.
I want to write about this in hopes I can help not only myself but others too. What’s the trigger that really set me off like this? Was it Bill Brady’s nasty jab? Maybe, but I doubt it was the only thing. I’ve been once again eating poorly and I missed a couple of exercising walks through the Gurnee Mills Mall and maybe that has something to do with it as well.
I think it goes deeper than that though. I’ve been struggling my whole life and trying my best to get by and make an honest living but the years of stress are probably starting to get to me finally. I have had to focus so much on survival that I never had time to concentrate on really being creative and especially on having the family life I always wanted. I miss it.
I miss it more than I can put into words. I never felt love from a family and I feel it even less now. I’ve tried to get in touch with my siblings and they blow me off and won’t even tell me why they won’t talk to me. I know I’m a nut and I know I’m not perfect but I want to at least be able to look them in the eye and apologize and get us all back to zero again.
No matter how far back in my mind I push all this stuff it’s still there and when my dark times come back this is all part of it. It hurts so much I don’t want to deal with it but I am not going to lie and say it doesn’t bother me because it does. I don’t know how to fix it. It won’t go away and I’ve tried every way I know how to swallow my pride and reverse it.
I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. Last night as I drove back from the comedy club I passed Wrigleyville and saw all those twenty-somethings drunk off their ass and trying to find cabs at 2am and thought of how I was never part of that scene at any time in my life.
I feel like I really am from another planet and I wouldn’t mind a one way trip back there at any time. I thought I was starting to adjust pretty well and get a flow going but after last night I feel farther away from anything than I ever have. Quite frankly I don’t want to live like this and if I could lay down and give my remaining time to someone else I’d do that.
This isn’t the kind of mindset to be in just ten days out from my national TV debut that I’ve been waiting for my whole life but that’s how I’m feeling today. I don’t really care if I go out there or not at this point and I know I shouldn’t think this way but that’s the truth.
I want to lay down in my bed and not get out until this goes away. That’s no way to live.
Actually living itself doesn’t interest me all that much right now. This is getting totally old and I’ve been here before. Am I supposed to learn something from it? I don’t know. All I know is I am in a funk and it even affected The Mothership Connection radio show in Kenosha tonight. I wasn’t really into it and my co-host Lara noticed it. She asked me if I was distracted by something and I told her I was but left it there. This is horrible timing.
Paul Harvey...Good Day
Saturday February 28th, 2009 - DeKalb, IL
Paul Harvey died today. His voice will be forever embedded in my memory as I’ve been hearing it from as far back as I can remember. Growing up in Milwaukee my grandmother would listen to him EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail. She must have been a groupie.
As a kid I had no choice and if I was home at noon I just knew Paul Harvey would be as much a part of lunch as a bologna sandwich so I didn‘t even question it. Hearing him say ‘Hello Americans - Stand by for NEWS‘ meant it was time to leave my grandma alone.
I couldn’t stand him as a kid but as I grew up I learned to appreciate how truly fantastic he was as a broadcaster. What a talent. He could say volumes in just a few words and his expressive voice delivered his eloquently written stories with the touch of a surgeon. I’ve yet to hear a radio person slice the airwaves with as sharp of a knife as Paul Harvey had.
How many millions of people did that guy touch? He was on the air my entire life and I know he was on the air long before that too. Even in recent years whenever I’d hear him I would never turn him off. I couldn’t. It was ingrained into me from my earliest memory.
I really respect a guy like that. He was an icon. He lived a great life and touched a lot of other people along the way. That’s the perfect mix in my opinion and that’s all that really matters in this life. The touching of people’s hearts in a positive way is what I live for.
My heart was touched that way tonight as I stopped at the Barrel of Laughs on my way home from a show in DeKalb, IL at Northern Illinois University. The show was excellent and I was in a great mood so I stopped to see who was hanging out at the comedy club.
There were several comedians I hadn’t seen in a while there like Chuck Kilgore from Indiana and Donny Williams and Brian Hicks from Chicago and my ventriloquist friend Peter Hefty from Wisconsin. I’ve known Pete since I started and he’s a generation ahead of me. He was always willing to help and was and is a gentle soul. It was great to see him.
He came up and gave me a big hug and immediately told me how he’s heard my name a ton of times all over the country and whenever he does he said it was always very positive and usually from a younger comic that I had helped at some point. That made my month.
That’s truly all that matters in this world or at least I think so. If I’ve been able to make a difference and encourage others so much they remember it enough to tell people behind my back it’s the ultimate compliment and I appreciate it very much. All I want is to send out good karma but sometimes I have no idea if I’m doing that or not. I’m numb to it all.
As I get older material things mean less and less. I’m fine with driving a car I bought at the auction and if I had millions of dollars I probably still would. Hearing Peter Hefty tell me people all over the country say good things about me or having a hot show in DeKalb is worth way more than any new car, at least to me. Now you know the rest of the story.
Paul Harvey died today. His voice will be forever embedded in my memory as I’ve been hearing it from as far back as I can remember. Growing up in Milwaukee my grandmother would listen to him EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail. She must have been a groupie.
As a kid I had no choice and if I was home at noon I just knew Paul Harvey would be as much a part of lunch as a bologna sandwich so I didn‘t even question it. Hearing him say ‘Hello Americans - Stand by for NEWS‘ meant it was time to leave my grandma alone.
I couldn’t stand him as a kid but as I grew up I learned to appreciate how truly fantastic he was as a broadcaster. What a talent. He could say volumes in just a few words and his expressive voice delivered his eloquently written stories with the touch of a surgeon. I’ve yet to hear a radio person slice the airwaves with as sharp of a knife as Paul Harvey had.
How many millions of people did that guy touch? He was on the air my entire life and I know he was on the air long before that too. Even in recent years whenever I’d hear him I would never turn him off. I couldn’t. It was ingrained into me from my earliest memory.
I really respect a guy like that. He was an icon. He lived a great life and touched a lot of other people along the way. That’s the perfect mix in my opinion and that’s all that really matters in this life. The touching of people’s hearts in a positive way is what I live for.
My heart was touched that way tonight as I stopped at the Barrel of Laughs on my way home from a show in DeKalb, IL at Northern Illinois University. The show was excellent and I was in a great mood so I stopped to see who was hanging out at the comedy club.
There were several comedians I hadn’t seen in a while there like Chuck Kilgore from Indiana and Donny Williams and Brian Hicks from Chicago and my ventriloquist friend Peter Hefty from Wisconsin. I’ve known Pete since I started and he’s a generation ahead of me. He was always willing to help and was and is a gentle soul. It was great to see him.
He came up and gave me a big hug and immediately told me how he’s heard my name a ton of times all over the country and whenever he does he said it was always very positive and usually from a younger comic that I had helped at some point. That made my month.
That’s truly all that matters in this world or at least I think so. If I’ve been able to make a difference and encourage others so much they remember it enough to tell people behind my back it’s the ultimate compliment and I appreciate it very much. All I want is to send out good karma but sometimes I have no idea if I’m doing that or not. I’m numb to it all.
As I get older material things mean less and less. I’m fine with driving a car I bought at the auction and if I had millions of dollars I probably still would. Hearing Peter Hefty tell me people all over the country say good things about me or having a hot show in DeKalb is worth way more than any new car, at least to me. Now you know the rest of the story.
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