Ten Days To TV Taping

Sunday March 1st, 2009 - Lake Zurich, IL/Kenosha, WI

Hello darkness, my old friend. The wormy side of that revolving apple that is my life is exposed again and right at the worst possible time. I’ve been in a strong mental space for a long time now but I feel it turning and quickly too. I sense that deep dark funk brewing. I know the feeling all too well as I’ve had it countless times before. This is a cruel joke.

I haven’t had one of these in a long time but in the space of 24 hours I feel a turnaround in my whole mental and physical being. It’s ugly and I hate it. Why now? This is time for me to be concentrating on positive things. I want to but I can’t lie. I’m in a horrible place.

It started last night when I visited the Barrel of Laughs in Oak Lawn after the fun show at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. I was actually in a great space until Bill Brady the owner of the Barrel made a comment to me that was really nasty and uncalled for. He is a very nice person as a rule but what he said just really got to me and made me hurt.

I don’t want to get into it but it’s something boorish and stupid like my father would say and it put me in a bad space. It kicked me right in the balls of my self esteem and as soon as he said it I told him it did. He tried to laugh it off but I didn’t find it funny at all. I left immediately and didn’t want to let him know how much it bothered me but it totally did.

It bothered me all the way home and it bothered me all day today. I’ve had enough pain in my life without having someone I thought was a friend say something like that and get me to feel that low. I know I don’t have to ‘let it’ but right now Tony Robbins tapes aren’t helping me get over it. It caught me totally by surprise and it upset my inner apple cart.

Then to make it worse today I went to see two of Jerry Agar’s kids perform in a version of The Sound of Music at a school auditorium in Lake Zurich. It was packed with lots of families cheering on their kids and it all reminded me of what I never had and it made me want to jump off the roof and stop the pain. That was the last thing I needed to see today.

Jerry’s son Cooper is 13 and was the lead male role. He was wonderful and I knew he’d be exactly that. That kid has ‘it’ and always has. He was born with it and at age 13 he’s at a higher level of show business than I am. He’s been in movies already and even got to be in the Sundance Film Festival in Utah when he was about seven. He’s a gifted performer.

That’s all great and I love to watch all the kids in whatever they do. I feel like I’m in the family and I’m happy to support but I can’t help noticing all the other doting parents who are there supporting their kids and every time I see that it just rips my heart out and makes me feel like a complete unloved loser. My parents didn’t come to see any of us at any age.

I know it shouldn’t bother me at all and many times it doesn’t but on days like today the wormy side of the apple is exposed and it stings to the bone. I had a difficult time lasting for the whole performance and I had to grit my teeth and sit there until it was over with. It was supposed to be a happy time and I was happy for Cooper but it made me feel rotten.

This is the part of being a dented can not everyone can relate to just as I can’t relate to how the mind of an alcoholic works. To me it’s easy - stop drinking you boozed up idiot. I know it’s not that easy because millions of people have problems with it but that’s one I can’t relate to. I never drank and on days like today I’m thankful I don‘t or I‘d be drunk.

I want to write about this in hopes I can help not only myself but others too. What’s the trigger that really set me off like this? Was it Bill Brady’s nasty jab? Maybe, but I doubt it was the only thing. I’ve been once again eating poorly and I missed a couple of exercising walks through the Gurnee Mills Mall and maybe that has something to do with it as well.

I think it goes deeper than that though. I’ve been struggling my whole life and trying my best to get by and make an honest living but the years of stress are probably starting to get to me finally. I have had to focus so much on survival that I never had time to concentrate on really being creative and especially on having the family life I always wanted. I miss it.

I miss it more than I can put into words. I never felt love from a family and I feel it even less now. I’ve tried to get in touch with my siblings and they blow me off and won’t even tell me why they won’t talk to me. I know I’m a nut and I know I’m not perfect but I want to at least be able to look them in the eye and apologize and get us all back to zero again.

No matter how far back in my mind I push all this stuff it’s still there and when my dark times come back this is all part of it. It hurts so much I don’t want to deal with it but I am not going to lie and say it doesn’t bother me because it does. I don’t know how to fix it. It won’t go away and I’ve tried every way I know how to swallow my pride and reverse it.

I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. Last night as I drove back from the comedy club I passed Wrigleyville and saw all those twenty-somethings drunk off their ass and trying to find cabs at 2am and thought of how I was never part of that scene at any time in my life.

I feel like I really am from another planet and I wouldn’t mind a one way trip back there at any time. I thought I was starting to adjust pretty well and get a flow going but after last night I feel farther away from anything than I ever have. Quite frankly I don’t want to live like this and if I could lay down and give my remaining time to someone else I’d do that.

This isn’t the kind of mindset to be in just ten days out from my national TV debut that I’ve been waiting for my whole life but that’s how I’m feeling today. I don’t really care if I go out there or not at this point and I know I shouldn’t think this way but that’s the truth.
I want to lay down in my bed and not get out until this goes away. That’s no way to live.

Actually living itself doesn’t interest me all that much right now. This is getting totally old and I’ve been here before. Am I supposed to learn something from it? I don’t know. All I know is I am in a funk and it even affected The Mothership Connection radio show in Kenosha tonight. I wasn’t really into it and my co-host Lara noticed it. She asked me if I was distracted by something and I told her I was but left it there. This is horrible timing.