Where's Miss Right?

Friday October 5th, 2007 - Vernon Hills, IL

I’m back in Vernon Hills at Zanies this weekend. I was the very first comedian that ever performed on the stage when it opened back in 1992. Nobody remembers that and I forget it as well until I look at the plaque on the wall. There was an article in the local paper back then with a picture of me because I was the opener that week. It was luck of the draw that I happened to be booked as the opener then but now I’m booked back to be the headliner.

Just like the shows earlier this week in Janesville and Fort Atkinson, both shows tonight were about as different as could be. The first crowd was on fire and I loved them. The late show was the late show Friday and those can be rough. Of course the late show is the one where I had several people I know come and see me but that’s the way it goes. It’s all too common for that to happen and I can’t figure out why. It sure keeps me humble though.

The first show was absolutely killer. They were a little older and smart and laughed very hard. It was easy to get a roll going and I did a lot of subtle bits that I enjoy doing and that makes it fun for everyone. They were buying it all and I was having a blast. That’s the way it should always be but sadly it isn’t. I know that so I relaxed and totally enjoyed this one.

There was a scorching hot blonde right in the front row and I had my eye on her as soon as I got on stage. I could see her hands and there wasn’t a ring in sight and she was sitting with another woman but it didn’t look like they were dating. I’d guess she was in her later 30s but she was very good looking and I would have loved to make a connection with her.

About ten minutes into my show she started talking to the woman she was with and was a complete pain in the shorts the whole show. Everyone else was fantastic but she couldn’t keep her pie hole shut to the point of distracting people around her. Here’s the one I really would love to hook up with and she won’t keep her mouth shut during the show. I tried to be polite but after the fourth or fifth time I had to light into the both of them and they still didn’t get it. The rest of the audience loved it of course but there went my shot with her.

I closed really strong and just loved the rest of the audience and after the show a big line of people shook my hand and told me how funny I was and I always try to keep my focus on them but I couldn’t help noticing the blonde and the other woman walk right behind all those people and not even look in my direction. I’m not sure if they were angry or not but I was sure that she didn’t want anything to do with me or she would have looked my way.

That took the wind out of my sail but I couldn’t show that to the other people. I sat and shook every hand and thanked them for coming and they were wonderful but I would have traded it all for a chance to talk to that blondie one on one. Usually I don’t chase after any women in the audience but this one was an exception. Why did she have to come to a live show to talk with her friend? In all my years I still have never been able to figure that out.

There are a lot of other places she could have gone to babble all she wanted and nobody in that place would have cared. But she had to come to a comedy show and distract me with both her talking and her hot body. And then she wouldn’t even glance my way as she left.

It’s funny in a way but it’s also really disappointing. Rock stars get the chicks and that’s how it’s always been. For whatever reason I am not a guitar player so I have to get teased by her thinking I might have a shot and then watch it all crumble in front of my eyes as the audience has no idea what’s going on. They were all having a blast and couldn’t care less.

The second show was a lot different. There were about half as many people and they all had a different vibe than the first show. It was a little louder and drunker and I had to take it even slower and act things out so they’d get it. I tried some new material and focused on trying to perform it rather than just recite it. It was a workshop for me and I worked hard.

After the show there were some people I didn’t know were there who came up to say hi. One was a former student who took my class years ago. He came out with his wife and he said his graduation was one of the highlights of his whole life. That made me feel great but I wish he could have seen the first show. I wasn’t happy with the late one at all but he and his wife both loved it or at least they said they did. I smiled and said thanks but I wasn’t at all proud of that show. When nice people come out to see me I want to give my total best.

Another person I didn’t know was there was a woman I had the total hots for who blew me off for some rugby player. She brought him out with another couple and when they all came walking up I wanted to crawl under a table because I was so embarrassed. If it were the first show I would at least have been proud of my work but she came up and gave me a hug and a kiss and I wanted to be anywhere but there. Why do women have to stick it in my face when they pick someone else over me? It hurts bad enough when I get blown off but then to bring the guy she’s with makes me feel even worse. What is the best that I can hope for? I make them both laugh and then they are in a good mood to go home and have sex. Hey, great. I just warmed her up for him and I don’t get a thing out of it but ‘See ya!’

I must be paying for being a lout to women in a past life or something to keep this streak going. She looked great of course and I would still love to go out with her but I doubt if it will ever happen at this point so why come out and make me feel like an ass? When I have been in these situations before I’ve seen it break up with the other guy and then they come back to me again and I just don’t want to keep playing second fiddle my whole life. I have been a little brother and know what it feels like to get things second hand. Who likes that?

Then to make it a total train wreck people start setting me up with their single friends. It usually turns out badly and then my friends are upset because I didn’t fall madly in love at first sight with their loose end carpet remnant and then there are hurt feelings all around. If I was meant to be married it probably would have happened by now. I’m glad I didn’t just force the issue in my 20s because I’d no doubt be divorced now and have big bills to pay.

The thing I need to remember is that I was the headliner at Zanies and a couple hundred people who paid to see me walked out of there thinking I was hilarious. My dream when I started comedy was to become a top flight headliner and I have accomplished exactly that. I need to be grateful for the opportunity and I totally am. That has nothing to do with any of my personal life and the two are not related. Sometimes that’s not easy to live in reality.