Crystal Lake Persuasion

Saturday January 17th, 2009 - Crystal Lake, IL

No backlash from the debauchery that went on in the U.P. on Thursday. Whew. That’s a can of whoop ass I don’t need to be opening right now and hopefully it’s all blown over. I didn’t mean to rustle up trouble. All I wanted to do was get through my time and get paid.

I’ve heard a few stories of comics whipping out their wangs on stage in various states of drunken bravado and I don’t want to be grouped in with them quite frankly. Those stories have a tendency to have legs and stay around for a while. I’ve got my own batch of stories I’m trying to live down that I really didn’t intend to have to deal with that keep me busy.

Being the guy who started a ‘flash off’ in the U.P. isn’t one I need to add to the archive. Yes I’m writing about it here but only because that’s what really happened. If it happened to leak out like my other stories did there would be all kinds of untrue embellishments.

My infamous ‘Crisco story’ is still making the rounds after all these years and it will not die. The owner of a club in Milwaukee had a ‘benefit’ for me when I had a car accident in 1993 and then kept the donation money. I was in intensive care and couldn’t fight back.

I was at my very lowest point in life and it was a painful and humiliating insult so when he had a heart attack I sent him a care package of Crisco, Cheez Whiz, mayonnaise, lard, bacon and a nice big greeting card that said ‘paybacks are a bitch - see you in hell.’ It was meant for him only but everyone heard about it and now it’s a tale I’m stuck with for life.

Had I to do it over again I wouldn’t have done it. Do I still think that ape is an evil prick bastard? YES. He’s proven it time and time again in how he treats comedians but it was a mistake to lash out that way. I lost a lot of business over the years and it wasn’t worth it. I should have just let it go and hoped nature would take it’s course but I wasn’t that mature.

On the other hand there are a lot of people who find that story very funny and now it’s a badge of honor in a warped sort of way but back then it was a scarlet letter. Everyone who heard my name had an opinion about it whether they knew me or not. It got out of hand.

The same thing happened with my Bob and Tom fiasco. I got kicked off the show and it got around to comedians and that was the topic of conversation for a long time. I still hear about it from people I haven’t seen in a while and that was a couple of years ago now. I’ll run into someone and they’ll immediately ask me ‘What happened with Bob and Tom?’

I don’t even want to get into that story anymore. It still amazes me how that whole thing played out and I still can’t figure it out. They were flat out rude and mean and I would not treat a guest that way but that’s how they did it. I tried to apologize but they ignored me.

They still do. What kind of professional handles things like that? I think it rots but they have the power in that situation and there’s nothing I can do. I said I was sorry and I really meant it but they treat me like a leper to this day. That’s the reality of show business life.

I always say it and it gets truer every time I do - PERCEPTION is the important thing. It doesn’t matter who’s right. It matters who’s perceived to be right. If I was a big name star and put money in people’s pocket I could have gotten away with all the things I just spoke of and nobody would have flinched. Criso pack? Ha! People would have laughed about it.

They still laughed about it but there were those in power who still cancelled work even if they may have found it funny. It was the P.C. thing to do. The same with Bob and Tom. What I did wasn’t even close to being naughty or controversial. All I did was relay a story I had printed about me in a book called ‘I Killed’ which chronicles comics’ road stories.

I had one about a nightmare in Tuscaloosa, AL and Tom asked me to tell it on the air so I did. He didn’t ask me beforehand what it was about and I didn’t know they had a rule to not bash any regional places and especially the south so I ended up breaking a rule they’d not even told me about. Is that fair? Of course not but their perception is that I’m the ass.

If Jay Leno had told that story on the air it would have probably been chopped up into a promo spot that ran the rest of the day that said something like ‘Did you HEAR what was on Bob and Tom this morning?’ Bam. It would have been repeated once an hour all day.

But instead I got physically removed from the building and not only that kicked off their live tour too. It probably cost me fifty grand or more and I can’t do a damn thing about it. If I could change it I would and go back in there and kick ass on the air and live as well.

I see some of the comedians they’re using for those tours and quite frankly I’m a whole lot stronger. I’d blow those crowds away and probably make big coin selling t-shirts and cds and electric toenail clippers and anything else I could come up with. Those tours can be very lucrative from what I hear and I would love to be on one but for now that’s over.

That’s why I was a little concerned over this last little incident. I love breasts in my face as much as any heterosexual male who’s ever lived but not at the cost of losing my pay or future bookings with this booker or having yet another story to live down. I have enough.

Tonight I did a show with Tim Walkoe in Crystal Lake, IL at a beautiful theatre called The Raue Center. It’s an older place that’s been remodeled and it’s really nice. Jerry Agar and his wife Ann brought some friends and we went out to eat afterward and it was a lot different than Sault Ste. Marie. This audience was very quiet and attentive. They loved it.

Nobody flashed anything other than a smile and the show went extremely well. I opened with a very solid 45 minutes on the head and then they took a break to sell drinks like at a play. I’m not a fan of that for comedy but that’s how they did it tonight. Then Tim did his usually solid job and they got way more than they paid for. This was a very strong lineup.

Doing places like this is what I want in my future. It wasn’t the 500 mile drive over the icy two lane luge run highways of the frozen U.P. and I can sleep in my own bed. The pay was pretty decent too. This was a good way to end a busy week. Now it’s back to Uranus.