A Frightening Realization

Sunday May 30th, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL

The frightening realization occurred to me today that I am completely dissatisfied with the vast majority of my entire life. Not only is that a major downer, it also dawned on me that I’m the main reason for it. How can someone be alive this long in what’s supposedly a place built on the idea of freedom and the pursuit of happiness, and still not get it right?

I would have thought for sure by now I’d have figured out at least a few of the mysteries of life, but I don’t think I have. I feel like I’m drifting through this cosmic plane without a purpose, and the harder I try to find one the farther away I get. It feels like I’ve struck out.

I’m just barely surviving, squeaking out an existence from month to month. Thankfully I don’t have a family to support, or we’d really be in trouble. Or would we? Would I have a different mindset if I had the responsibility of other mouths to feed? Would my choices have been different, thereby making the results of my life different? I really don’t know.

What I do know is, I’m nowhere near happy with the results I am getting for the choices I did make, so the only thing I can think of to make that change is begin making different choices. That sounds simple enough, but exactly what choices do I change and how? I’ve had a lifetime to make the ones I did make, and they’ve ultimately got me to where I am.

It all seems so totally overwhelming. It’s like I’m at that giant map of the mall with the arrow that says ‘You Are Here’, but I really don’t have any plan in mind of what stores I want to visit or if I even want to be at the mall in the first place. Why am I even standing here? I suppose if I made a plan I could visit just about any or all of the stores I’d want to.

Here I stand, feeling like that about life itself. Why am I even here? I’ve never felt like I fit in for as long as I’ve been here, and it feels even less now. I’ve done a few small things I thought were kind of fun, but for the most part life has just been one long uphill struggle that doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere, and sure isn’t getting any easier. This isn’t fun.

That’s the main ingredient I’ve noticed that’s always been missing from people I’ve had the closest contact with - FUN. Nobody in my family ever had fun as a priority in life, and sure enough most of them are dead and their lives reflected it. They came and went, never making a significant mark in life that lasted past their death. I never wanted that to be me.

Somehow, there’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach that that’s exactly where I’m going and it really hurts to think about it. Ignoring it won’t make it go away, either. I have a big job ahead of me if I intend to revamp my whole life, but if I don’t I’ll be miserable for the rest of however long I do have remaining on this rinky-dink half assed mediocre planet.

Maybe it would help if I had a better attitude about things, but I guess I don’t. I’m being honest and saying what I feel. This planet is SO not my home, and I’ve felt that way since I was a kid. Life is unfair, and idiots are everywhere - usually in charge. The results of life on this planet aren’t good as a whole, but I don’t care about that. I care about what I want.

In many ways we’re very selfish beings, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing at all. As long as we don’t hurt anyone, what’s wrong with wanting to please ourselves? I think it’s an admirable quality to know what a person wants, and life should be about getting there.

I thought I had a plan at one time, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve screwed so many things up and had to deal with so many bad breaks, I’m not sure where I stand right now. I don’t have a very good perspective of the big picture from where I’m standing, and I need one.

All I can feel is that I don’t like the current course I’m on, and I know I need to change it. But how much? Do I need to turn 180 degrees? 90? 1? Left? Right? That’s the problem but how do I solve it? I can think and rethink and over think, but in the end I’m clueless.

I guess the smart thing to do would be to examine every single facet of my life’s history in detail and be brutally honest. What do I like and what do I not, and how can I improve and reshape the negatives into something that pleases me? That sounds like a lot of work.

I don’t mind working, but I want to work at something that will pay off eventually. I’ve been farting around for so long with things that haven’t had any payoff, I’m not sure I can even be sure what the right direction is. I’ve made fun a priority, and I’ve had some along the way, but I think life would have been much better had I made very different choices.

Some hard facts remain, and I need to face them. No matter what my choices were, I am 47 years old and living in a basement like a spider. Is it a nice basement? Sure. It’s livable and nobody would know it was a basement if dropped here from the sky, but I do. I opted to live here because it’s inexpensive, a stop gap. That mindset is what I’m not happy with.

My whole life is a reflection of it. Maybe it was out of necessity, or maybe I copied my father without even knowing it. My father used to squeak by in life, and drive crappy cars just like I do. He lived in a dingy house in a nasty neighborhood, and never wanted more.

Or did he? I guess I never really knew him very well, but I never asked him about it. He always said he was happy with how his life turned out, but I don’t know if I believe it this long after the fact. His life was even less than mine, because he never had any goals or at least never admitted it. Maybe his got squelched early, and he never tried another plan.

Well, I’m not him. I refuse to NOT try another plan. Just because what I’ve done hasn’t brought me the results I wanted, or thought I wanted, it doesn’t mean I have to accept this as my final fate. I don’t want to be broke anymore. I don’t want to be single either. I want a chance to shape a happy family, exactly the opposite of all I’ve ever had up until now.

I don’t want to be out of shape. I don’t want to feel out of place. I don’t want to have no place to go on holidays. I don’t want to drive a crappy car. I don’t want to waste one more minute of my life thinking about what I don’t want. I know that’s where I am now, but my inner voice tells me I don’t have to stay here. Other people have changed their entire lives around for the better and I know I can do it too. I’m way off from where I know I can be.