The Magic Question

Friday May 14th, 2010 - Libertyville, IL

Life has more pay ins than pay offs, at least for most of us. I know it does for me. I have struggled for so long, I’m having trouble getting myself in a mindset to accept whatever it is that’s going to be my payoff. Will there be one at all? I’m beginning to really wonder.

I was in a short tempered pissy mood all day, and I don’t know why. It was one of those days when absolutely everything got on my nerves, and I felt like punching something or someone just for looking at me wrong. It was a bad day to leave the house, but there were places to go and people to see and I needed to do it anyway. I avoided punching anyone.

My web person Shelley asked if I wanted to go with her on a ‘mystery shop’ at a brand new burger joint in Libertyville. She does those as a part time job, and once in a while I’ll tag along so she doesn’t have to go herself. Her kids are in school and her husband has to work, so it’s a chance for her to get out of the house a little and make some cash as well.

Shelley is a very sweet person. She’s a giver like me, and always tries to help people in need. I totally appreciate it, and she and her husband Bob have helped me eliminate some viruses from my computer when they totally didn’t have to. Shelley built my website too, and helped me when I really needed it. I don’t ever want to screw over people like that.

She likes comedy a lot, and would love to be on the road doing shows. A lot of people I know would. They look at me and think I have ‘the life’. Granted, there are a lot of facets of my life that are outstanding. I make my own schedule, and I’ve been able to survive for a lifetime doing what I really enjoy. I never lose track of that, but big holes still do exist.

We had to wait in line for our burgers, and I was in no mood for crowds today. I tried to stay positive, and if Shelley didn’t have to eat at that particular restaurant, I’d have turned around and got back in my car and went home. Halfway through lunch, Shelley asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks. “What exactly is it that would make you happy?”

Isn’t that the magic question for all of us? I sat there trying to figure it out for quite a bit longer than I expected, and I kept saying “GOOD question.” She looks at me and thinks I have the perfect life. I look at her with her family and that’s what I really want. I still love doing comedy and always will, but having a loving family really appeals to me. I want it.

I’m not saying that’s perfect either, but it sure would settle me down a little. Also, more financial security would do it too. If I sacrificed this much for this long, I sure didn’t get a decent payoff for it. I’m struggling to survive, and I should be doing a lot better than that.

What the hell did I sacrifice so much for if there’s no payoff? I want people to come see ME, not just go to a random comedy show and I happen to be there. There’s a difference, and I haven’t been able to achieve it no matter how hard I’ve tried. It’s SO frustrating, but what can I do? I’m too far into the game to quit now, but I definitely could use a big boost when it comes to my business skills. I’d love a family too. It would make me feel needed.