Sunday November 25th, 2012 – Springfield, IL/Kenosha, WI
A good night’s sleep after two shows last night made me feel a little better, but not as much as I’d have liked. There’s still the lingering residue of dissatisfaction from having to shell out a pile of money I don’t have for a car I didn’t think I’d have to sink this much into. It peed in my pool.
It also caused me to really reach back and try to look at the big picture to see what I need to do to get myself out of this rut and reshape my destiny. In my heart of hearts I know I can be doing a whole lot more than I am – or at least doing it on a much higher level. I’m beneath my abilities.
There are times when I feel like I’m totally in sync, but then I get off track and it’s a frustrating off road hell ride through a muddy swamp with the windows open. Before I know it I’m caked in mud, and I can’t see my way to steer myself out. That’s where I am now, and my patience is thin.
I’ve been here countless times before, and that’s where the danger lies. It’s easy to develop bad habits, and that perpetuates the ugliness instead of finding a way to steer out of it. It does have an attachment to childhood, and that’s true for all of us. Dented cans tend to focus on the unpleasant things because that’s what we’re used to. Disappointment and disaster are the expected outcome.
My friend Max and I talked about that yesterday over lunch and we both agree everybody puts out a vibe on a certain frequency - and that’s exactly what comes back. Dented cans have sucked up negative vibes in their formative years, and no matter what we do we can’t seem to escape no matter what we do. It’s deeply ingrained, and subconsciously we tend to gravitate to the familiar.
I’m no analyst, but I’ve read enough books or at least parts of books through the years that I’m familiar with at least part of the reason my wheel is stuck in the mud right now. I’ve struggled to get past this for years, and I’ve actually had some tangible success. I need to acknowledge that.
From where I started, I’ve made nothing short of miraculous strides. I don’t know why I stayed the course, but for the most part I totally did. I’m not saying I didn’t pull some world class stunts of stunning stupidity - but I stayed away from booze, drugs and prison so that’s a major victory.
I have been able to squeak out an existence doing the things I truly enjoy, but therein lies a part of the problem. I’ve grown used to ‘squeaking’, and it’s become what I expect. Should I have the lifestyle of a college freshman this late into the game? I think not, and it’s up to me to find a way to get past it. Something is not right, and if I change my thoughts I will change everything else.
This is a very crucial time for not only me but the entire planet. The whole system we’ve come to view as ‘normal’ is changing by the day, and that means the entire vibe of life is changing as well. I don’t know what it’s changing to, but there’s definitely something different happening.
We talked about this on The Mothership Connection radio show tonight, and it felt good to get it out in the open. I know I’m not the only one who struggles, but I refuse to let it keep me down. I’m where I am because of who I am and what I chose. I can make new choices and I intend to.