Friday July 19th, 2013 – Fox Lake, IL
An especially unpleasant part of being both a dented can and creative artist type is often a total lack of self esteem. People have told us for so long that we’re not worthy or up to snuff and it’s a constant struggle to keep fighting that rejection. Some days it feels like the bastards were correct.
I’m feeling that way right about now, and it’s not fun. Looking over my entire life, it sure feels like I’ve wasted it and I wish I could either start over or move on. Where I am just isn’t cutting it as far as satisfaction goes, and I feel like I have completely missed the mark in life. I’ve blown it.
There are some days when I feel like a bullet proof warrior, plowing through the battlefield that most people never put even the tip of one toe on. I’ve made it through countless battles and been able to miraculously survive to fight another day. I can’t think of anybody who has gone through all the front line blood soaked life combat I have on so many levels and hung in there like I have.
I’m not patting myself on the back as much as admitting I’ve just been too stupid to quit. I’m at a point in my life now where I don’t feel any closer to my goals than when I started, and that’s an unmerciful kick in the gonads of my self esteem. What the hell have I done with all these years?
I’ve tried to make something good happen, but a combination of bad breaks and poor decisions have taken me so far off any course I thought I was on I don’t know what to do. I sure could use a break right now, but I don’t see one on the horizon. It feels like I’ve just been fooling myself.
There’s a person I know that has some power in the business and with one phone call could put me in front of some important people that could really change my life. For whatever reason, he is not doing it and it’s been a crushing blow. Very rarely do I ask for favors, but in this case I made an exception. It wouldn’t be anything other than a phone call or two, but it’s not happening at all.
This makes no sense to me, but what in this insane jungle of a business ever does? I’ve had this particular person tell me I was “the best standup comedian I’ve ever seen”, yet there isn’t a bit of effort to put in a word with someone when I really need it. I can’t figure it out, and it really hurts.
I do like this person personally, but on a business level I feel completely ignored. This is how it works in the entertainment business, and one of the reasons why I never should have entered into it. If I wanted ‘normal’ – and I did – this is the last place to ever find it. I feel emotionally raped.
I think the majority of entertainers stumble into the business because they are severely lacking in an emotional area of their lives and hope to make up for it by becoming successful. It’s often the lack of approval or encouragement from a parental unit, and that story has been played out as long as entertainment has existed. The whole business is a giant game of kids needing attention.
I’m not going to lie and say that’s not a major reason of why I got into it. I wanted to prove that all those incredibly cruel things my father said were wrong, but some days I still hear them and it completely erases anything positive I may have done. I’m sorry, but I’m human and I feel pain.
Nobody cares about anyone else’s pain, as they are trying to numb their own. Comedy is often a welcome diversion to both those watching and those performing, but if the pain isn’t dealt with on a deeper level it never really goes totally away. Once in a while the emotional toilet clogs and it all backs up to create an ugly mess. What I could use is a plunger, but I don’t see one around.