The Audience Decides

Saturday June 6th, 2009 - Chicago, IL

I give up on trying to figure out the entertainment game. I thought I had at least a hint of a clue as to what works and what doesn’t but after a lifetime of being around it apparently I don’t. It’s not my call though and never has been. It’s the audience. They’re the judges.

Today was another round of Jerry’s Kidders on WGN radio and I thought we stunk it up and down the halls and through the speakers. The timing felt off the whole time and all of us stumbled over a line at least once. There were a couple of dead spots and I just felt that this was far from our best performance. After the show I tiptoed out of the studio quietly.

On the way out of the station people were coming up and telling us how funny we were. There’s an engineer named Ben who’s a very nice guy and has run the board for us before and he made it a point to come up and say “Boy, you guys sure were on today. Hilarious!”

I smiled and shook his hand and said thanks and so did the other guys but I felt like this was one of our weakest showings. Ken Sevara had to leave so Tim Slagle and I went over to a place called The Reagle Beagle and had lunch until Jerry got off at 1:00. The place is named after the bar on Three’s Company and has a very hip ‘70s TV theme. We loved it.

I didn’t bring it up with Tim at all and we just hung out and talked about comedy. He’s got a very funny CD entitled Europa and I highly recommend it if you like smart comedy. His website is www.timslagle.com and tell him I sent you. He’s a very unique comedian.

Tim was able to get Jack Davis from Mad magazine to do his CD cover and it’s really well done. I was a huge Mad magazine fan growing up and it adds total credibility to me when I see that artwork even though I know Tim personally and know he’s a funny guy. I have to believe the comedy buying public would be impressed even more. It’s a winner.

I want the same thing to happen for me with the Pedro Bell artwork on my new CD. It will definitely be unique and those who know it will appreciate it but I think a lot more people know what Mad magazine is than know about Funkadelic records. Too bad but I don’t care. I’m glad I did it and would do it again. Still, Tim’s looks great. Go get one.

Tim and I talked about the state of comedy and what’s next for us both as comics and as Kidders. As we waited for Jerry I started to get calls and texts saying how funny our show was today and I couldn’t believe it. I don’t think I’ve ever received this many thumbs up.

Then I got home and found some emails that said the same thing. I answered them all as quickly as I could and thanked everyone for the nice comments but I still felt it wasn’t the stellar showing I know we can do and have done in the past. I kept that to myself though.

Times like this always remind me of something James Wesley Jackson said a long time ago that I never forgot: “Let the audience enjoy you however they want.” How true that is. It doesn’t matter what I think. All that matters is that the audience likes it. Today they did.

Left Hand Grenades

Friday June 5th, 2009 - Lake Villa, IL

I feel like I’m drifting. Again. It’s never easy to keep everything running smoothly so an occasional detour is expected but I feel like I’ve lost all my momentum. I’m short on cash and gigs to make more cash and it’s coming into summer when it’s usually slow anyway.

I’ve stopped my daily exercise routine and I’ve been eating things that will take years to flush from the crannies of my innermost bowels. I do pretty well for a while and then I go off the deep end and ‘reward’ myself with lard and sugar. But it tastes so good doing it.

When it rains it pours and I’m in a giant cloudburst right now. On one hand I don’t feel much like doing anything but on the other I have all these fun projects I want to get to but they seem so far away. I’m in a mindset I’m not thrilled with and I want out. This is bad.

The best thing for me to do is get myself organized but a time like this is when it’s most difficult to do that. My mind is all over the place and then nothing gets done. It’s gridlock inside my head and it’s frustrating as hell. Creativity usually flows out of me but now it’s stuck in neutral and I feel like I’m spinning my mental wheels and splattering all over.

Part of this is a result being left handed. I’m not using it as an excuse but I really think a left hander’s brain doesn’t function the same as the brain of a righty. We’re not as logical and orderly as the right handed mentality and I’ve noticed it over and over again. A whole lot of comedians are left handers and I can see it in them too. We’re our own breed. Nuts.

That’s really handy for creative things but at times like this it’s maddening. I really need some order and structure in my life right now and it’s totally killing me because it’s not a natural thing for me to do. I’ve always been free and easy and let things unfold naturally.

It’s really strange because I’m not depressed so much as distracted. Believe me, I know the feeling of being depressed but this isn’t it. I feel more like I’m not able to concentrate on any one thing even more than usual. Is it A.D.D.? I don’t know, but it sure isn’t fun.

One thing that really cheered me up today was getting the final draft pencil drawing of my CD cover from Pedro Bell. That really put a smile on my face as it’s exactly how I’d imagined it looking. He even formed my name into a logo that looks like the Funkadelic logo which he probably created back in the ‘70s. Those who know it will be impressed.

I certainly was. I know this isn’t necessary but I still always wanted to do it and now it’s a reality and I couldn’t be any more pleased. Will it help sell even one CD? I think maybe it actually could. Pedro’s art is very unique and Funkadelic fans will all know it. I want it to be a win/win where his fans hear of me and my fans hear of him. Either way, I love it.

The key is not to give up and I’m not. I’m farting around wandering but I’ve done that before. I’ll get in a groove again soon enough. I usually do. Then it doesn’t seem fair the other way because everything flows easily. Left handed people know exactly what I mean.

Howdy Moody

Thursday June 4th, 2009 - Lake Villa, IL

I’m in one of my cantankerous bastard moods right now and I hope it passes quickly. If it stays it could turn into a depression funk and I don’t want anything to do with that right now. I just want to live my life and work on my craft and not have to deal with distracton.

I wonder if that’s possible? Does anyone have that? Probably not. What set me off early was an email I received asking if I would be available for a show this Saturday night. I am off as of now and I said I would do it because quite frankly I can use the cash right now.

The email came out early in the morning but I was up working then and was right on it. It came from a guy I’ve done favors for in the past, most notably a free benefit show for a hockey team on which his son plays. I’ve worked for low pay in bad scenarios and all this time later when I could use a few bucks I get a cold and curt email saying ‘Sorry-filled it.’

Well, UN-fill it. He said he had a fall out and I said I could do it. I have always tried to be a good guy and help people when I can but it never seems to come around when I need it in return. This really pissed me off and I’m trying to figure out exactly why. Is it due to the fact he sent out the notice like fish bait to see who’d bite? Not really. I can see that.

Was it because he didn’t think of me first? A little. I’ve done him favors over the years and I would think common courtesy would be to throw something my way in return or at least offer it to me for me to turn down. Nope. I guess I don’t rank very highly with him.

Or, was it the fact that the gig is in a little two bit town with bad lights and sound in the back room of a restaurant? That’s probably more of what’s bothering me. I’m not excited about doing gigs like that anymore. I’m past them. I want to be doing nice places for nice money for fans that know who I am and I’m not really doing much of that. It’s frustrating.

If the guy asks me to do any other favors I’m going to think long and hard and probably say no if at all possible. I don’t know why this stung me so much today but it did. I felt it was a slight and a lack of respect after I helped him out and I’m not going to continue it.

Later today I had dinner with a woman I like very much and we went back to her house after to watch a movie. She’s been around comedy and I know she meant well but she did a major no-no by trying to explain to me why Adam Sandler is funny. Uh, sorry. No deal.

Yes, he makes movies that make millions but it still doesn’t earn him the respect of his peers. Maybe he’s a nice guy too and he can afford to be but as far as thinking he’s funny I’ll NEVER hop on board. Most other comics I know think the same thing. Who’s right?
Nobody really. It’s personal taste, but he’s got a huge fan base and I’m still struggling.

I tried to politely get her to stop but just she kept on going and it pushed all my buttons. I got up and walked out because I didn’t want to argue anymore. I don’t begrudge Adam Sandler or anyone else. I just want a chance to have my own run in the sun before I croak.

Hell Gig Hospitality

Wednesday June 3rd, 2009 - Rockford, IL

Every single comedian who has ever tried to earn a living telling jokes on a stage has at one time or another had to endure some sort of hell gig situation. It’s part of this business and there are absolutely NO exceptions. Zero. Every one of us has at least a dozen stories.

I’ve had more than my own share of them and I could probably fill a book all by myself. I’ve had a riot start, had people charge the stage, had someone have a heart attack during a show, had ugly women flash me, had people vomit, had to perform on a diving board at a backyard pool party, had to go on between punk rock bands, and that’s just a smattering.

This morning I had a gig at the Greater Rockford Auto Auction in Rockford, IL. I had to stand in an auctioneer’s booth in front of six picnic tables and do a half hour of comedy to lighten the mood for car dealers before the auction. I had all I could handle to do my time.
These are the kinds of situations that test a person’s mettle. It sure isn’t for the squeamish.

On paper this would be perfect for me. I love car auctions and in fact attend them all the time. This one was for dealers only but I get the concept. One would think I could do this in my sleep but far from it. It was extremely difficult and I felt like a stripper at a bachelor party. I only thought about the money the whole time but that half hour felt like a month.

Sonya White is the person who booked me. She’s a comic and a sweetheart and she did some gig for these people back whenever and they called her asking if she knew anybody who might be able to do a gig like this and she thought of me. A lot of bookers do when a goofy situation like this comes up and I’m never sure if I should be flattered or insulted.

In this situation I’ll be flattered. Sonya is a wonderful person and she’s just trying to get gigs for as many people as she can in tough economic times. They’re going to try this for at least a four week run and today was their first shot. It was very uncomfortable and I felt like a total idiot up there with car dealers staring at me like I was a ‘check engine’ light.

They told me there were 550 dealers that usually show up but most of them were out on the lot looking at the cars. During my show cars were starting and horns were beeping and I wanted to put the mike down and go home but I wouldn’t do that to Sonya. Plus, the guy I reported to had already paid me before I went on. I suffered out my time and walked off.

When I got off stage the owner asked to see me in his office. Oh no. I’ve had that asked of me way too many times in radio and nothing good ever came of it. I slowly walked into the office and there were about ten people from the staff in there. They’d all watched and were very complimentary all around. The owner’s name was Mark and he was really cool.

He seemed to be genuinely interested in comedy and he laughed freely during the show. I told him this was a tough situation but he knew it. He said he had other possible events and would keep me in mind. He was super nice to work for and so is Sonya. For a hell gig this wasn’t that bad and it was a few bucks too. I’ve had WAY worse situations than this.

Time For A Tune Up

Tuesday June 2nd, 2009 - Lake Villa, IL

I’m about due for a major tune up in every area of my life from the ground up. I need to take a long, hard and honest look at myself physically, mentally, spiritually and especially comedically to see where I need to improve the most. I’m in my prime right now and I am in a race to see how much I can produce before I’m too old to matter. That day will come.

Hopefully it’s at least a little ways off yet but all I can do is keep forging ahead. I would like my life to be a case study generations from now on how someone can come from out of nowhere and achieve the highest levels of success in life in the areas that are important.

But what’s the definition of what’s truly important? That’s different for each of us and a lifelong challenge we all must face. Nobody can determine what’s really your own ‘thing’ other than you. For me it’s making people laugh and helping them live their big dreams.

I’ve done pretty well in that department but now it’s my turn to decide once again what is truly important to me at this stage of life. It used to be getting out on the road and going to comedy clubs every chance I got and maybe trying to get stage time to get a booking in the future. Now none of that interests me in the least. I still love performing but that’s it.

I don’t have the fire in my belly anymore to drive 750 miles in a car riding on borrowed time just so I can get on stage in front of a dozen or so drunks in some hillbilly biker bar. I don’t want to sound like a prude or an elitist but I‘ve paid my dues. I‘m way past that.

That was a stage in life and a good one but I don’t want to be doing it on the same level very much longer. If I travel I want it to be worth my while. I don’t need to go nine states away to work some backwoods hell hole when there are plenty of them in my back yard.

Chicago has a lot of people and I’ve always believed there’s a nice living to be made in the immediate area. I’ve done ok by staying here but I know I can do better. Being on the radio needs to pay off more. WGN is a huge station and it would sure help if I could use it to become at least a little bit of a draw in comedy but I haven’t figured out how to do that.

That’s why I think I need to reboot and revamp every area of my life so I can get it up to date. What do I want now? What’s realistic? Getting a sitcom is probably not going to be an option at this point for many reasons and that’s ok. I never really planned on it and I’m not disappointed. Mr. Lucky is a great stage character though and it’s still worth building.

All these things were running through my head today as I drove up to Milwaukee for an afternoon with the woman I really like. It was her day off of work and she’s been having a lot of stress there lately. We’ve been getting along very well lately and today was a blast.

She has a six year old son and we just hung out at her house for a day of low pressure fun. We played Monopoly and Wii and Jenga and it was all very enjoyable. It was exactly what I pictured, dare I say it, family life to be. That’s another thing I’d like to focus on.

A $75 Left Turn Isn't Right

Monday June 1st, 2009 - Mt. Prospect, IL/Chicago, IL

A typical Mr. Lucky situation today. I received a call from Bert Haas saying he had one extra ticket for the White Sox game tonight and asked if I wanted to go. I happened to be off so I said yes. Bert asked if I’d mind picking up his son Steven on my way. Sure thing.

Bert lives in a nice neighborhood in Mt. Prospect, IL. It’s a cross between where Beaver Cleaver would live and maybe the Brady Bunch. Lots of people with nice teeth and lives. It’s right near a mall and there’s a difficult traffic intersection where left turns are hellish.

There are several streets intersecting at this particular corner and it takes a long time for all the lights to change. The lane I was in to make a left turn to go to Bert’s house is about as long as any light I’ve ever seen anywhere and I’ve been around the block a whole lot.

For whatever reason it’s an arrow only left turn and to miss it means about a ten minute wait for all the other lights to go through the process. There’s no shortcut and I’ve sat at it many times in my life wondering if I’d have enough gas left to make it the rest of the way to Bert’s house. Tonight I was running late and in a hurry and I saw the light turn yellow.

The imbecile in front of me was on the phone and didn’t see the arrow turn green and I beeped long and loud but he still didn’t go. Finally he decided to go and I wasn’t about to wait another ten minutes so I slid in behind him as the light turned red. I used his car as a blocker and slipped in on the left side. I immediately saw a police car’s lights behind me.

The cop got out of the car and he looked like a high school kid. I had my license out but he asked for my insurance too. I know it’s a law in Illinois and I have it but I could tell he was going to play Dick Tracy and do everything by the book. He told me why he’d pulled me over and when he did I couldn’t help noticing he had a mockable speech impediment.

I don’t wish that on anyone and I’m sure his childhood was hellacious but now he’s in a position of power and he wasn’t going to let anyone forget it. He lectured me on how easy it was to have an accident with what I did and I countered by saying that particular corner had an especially long light with minimal time to turn and I was late so I squeezed it in.

He continued to babble with his garbled harelip gibberish and I knew I wasn’t going to get off with a warning. Then I noticed two other cars pull in the same lot I was in and two other high school kid looking cops were pulling them over for the exact same ‘violation’.

What a joke. They were nailing people left and right at $75 a pop and there wasn’t any way any of us could get out of it. I looked at the guy in the car next to me as we both were waiting for our ticket and we just shook our heads. We both got stung by Mayberry Vice.

Normally I support cops but not this time. Some fuzz nuts kid who was picked on back in school now has a job where he can get even with society and I have to be one of those he pulls over. My ass. The game was fun but it wasn’t $75 fun. I hope Supercop is happy.

UFOverwhelm

Sunday May 31st, 2009 - Galena, IL/Kenosha, WI

What a great way to close out the month of May. The weather is spectacular this time of year and everything else is falling into place too. If nothing else I’m having a whole lot of fun and doing things that please ME. I don’t care if anyone else likes any of it or not. I do.

Peer pressure means nothing to me at this point in my life. If someone doesn’t like me or what I’m into I don’t even want to waste time trying to convince them. I’m learning to get as comfortable in my skin as I can and just go with the flow in my head even though it’s a lot different than the one that seems to be in the majority of the public’s head. I’m a kook.

That isn’t always a bad thing though. Some of the most creative people of all time were also nuttier than squirrel terds so I’m in good company. Most of them were depressed and I’ve been there more times than I ever wanted to but right now I’m bobbing above water.

The dark times will come around again I’m sure but I don’t want to think about it now. I want to focus on the fun stuff like the UFO Conference in Galena. I got up early so I’d get there in time to hear the dean of UFO speakers Stanton Friedman and he didn’t disappoint anyone. That guy is probably the most known of anyone in the field and he’s fascinating.

He was on the bill with Kathleen Marden who was also riveting. She’s the niece of one of the most famous alleged abductees of all time, Betty Hill. Betty and Barney Hill are an all time classic story in UFO circles and there was even a TV movie made about the case.

I’ve followed this subject for years and just sat back and soaked in the scene today. I did a lot of listening and learning and just had a blast all around. Sam and Julie Maranto did a fantastic job of putting this whole event together and I met some interesting people I hope to have on the Mothership Connection at some point. This was all totally worth my time.

On the way home I stopped at Jerry Agar’s house because it was his birthday today. He and his whole family have been great friends for many years and I feel like I’m part of the tribe. They’re always supportive and kind and I hope I can be the same in return. I do try.

By the time I got to the WLIP studio for the Mothership Connection show at 8:55 I was ready to nod out on the control board but I had to pump it up for the show. There’s a flow of energy that goes through one’s veins whether on a comedy stage or on the radio that is hard to explain unless a person has experienced it. When the mike is on the energy rises.

We had a really good show tonight because we were all relaxed. Diane Ebert is doing a really good job filling in for Lara and she’s having fun and wants to be a regular. I’ll find a place for her somewhere and make it work out. Why waste someone who contributes?

Between her and Dr. Destruction we’ve got a good energy and the show flowed as well tonight as I think it ever has. We were like we were just sitting around having some pizza and it wasn’t even like a radio show. We all felt good afterward and I still do. This is fun!