Good Vibes All Around

Friday January 21st, 2011 - Cozumel, Mexico

   This is turning out to be a fantastic week for several reasons. First, the audiences on this ship are some of the sweetest human beings I’ve ever seen. I’m on the Carnival Conquest and it’s home port is Galveston, TX. A large percentage of passengers are from Texas but not all. I don’t know what it is, but they’re wonderful people. I could stay here for years.

   Normally, I don’t do well in the south as a whole. I was dreading this run, as I’d heard it was full of Texans and the surrounding areas, but boy was I wrong. These people are right there when it comes to hipness. They’re a little older, and very well behaved. I know how to talk to older people, as I was raised by my grandparents and have been around them my whole life. I feel much more at home with a crowd of 60somethings than 20somethings.

   People have been lining up to take pictures with me and get my autograph after shows. I always make it a point to be available if anyone wants that, and I can tell they really enjoy what I do. They’re telling me stories that coincide with bits I do, and I can tell I’ve had an impact. That’s what this game is all about. I never thought I’d have done this well here.

   The other break I caught this week is working with a guy named Mark Hawkins. He’s a comic from Detroit who eventually became a cruise director, and knows the business part of the game inside and out. He has a wife and kids and lives on Grand Cayman Island. He isn’t a cruise director anymore and now is back to doing comedy. He’s got a sweet gig.

   We hit it off really well yesterday and today he and the music director asked if I wanted to have lunch in Cozumel. I love Cozumel, and I gladly accepted. Mark has been out here for years and knows all the best joints I don’t know, and we had a killer meal with a better view for half the price of the other places around. I shut my mouth and let those guys talk.

     Both of them really have an inside to how the cruise game works. I know I’m still on an uphill learning plane, but I’m getting better. They told me some stories of what other guys did before me, and I’m a church mouse compared to most of them. I’m pretty easygoing.

   We decided to walk back from the restaurant, and it was a great workout. We were all a sweaty mess by the time we got back, but we worked off our meal and I learned a lot just by listening to those guys talk about the cruise ship industry. This has been a combination of fun and learning, and that’s never a bad thing. I’ll try to enjoy it while I’m learning.

   My friend Mutzie pulled a great prank. He worked the earlier part of this cruise and told the audiences to come sit in the front and not laugh under any circumstances. I’m worried enough about doing well out here, and didn’t need to have anything to make it any harder, but when I heard what he did I couldn’t stop laughing. That was hilarious and he got me.

   I’m not at all getting cocky and think I know everything, as I could have a horrible show at any time. I’ve still got another cruise on this ship with a whole new group who may or may not like me in the least. I can’t predict, but I can review. These people were on fire.

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary

Working For A Living

Thursday January 20th, 2011 - Grand Cayman Island

   Back to the nautical life and all that goes with it. I don’t know where my little two week sabbatical went, but it’s long gone. It feels like I just got home, and now I’m out again on a completely different ship with completely different people, even though it looks exactly the same as all the others did. Whatever thrill of adventure this process once had is gone.

   I always seem to fall behind the night before I leave for these trips and I did it yet again yesterday. I was busy working on preparing for the ‘Schlitz Happened!’ show and getting caught up on emails and before I knew it I had to pack and get to Jim McHugh’s house.

   I can’t be more grateful for both Jim and Marc Schultz, who have gone out of their way to help me with getting to and from the airport. They’ve both saved me a ton of cash and I really appreciate it. Parking at the airport is always ridiculously expensive, so this helps.

   I got to the airport around 3am for my 5:35 flight to Miami. I haven’t had to go through the security process in a while and I was just starting to forget how much I despise it. The brutally long line with strategically placed self important TSA monkeys barking orders to a tired bunch of non terrorist looking travelers made me once again loathe their existence.

   Of course people have to make a living, but this job seems to be for those who aren’t on any particularly adventurous career path. They exist for reasons I still don’t understand, to poke their noses into everyone’s business. It’s the government invading private lives, and I don’t like the idea of that at any time, but especially 4am. It bothers me, but that’s life.

  Then, on the flight from Chicago I had to sit next to married Bears fan couple and listen to them babble on how the team was going to cream the Packers and how they were going to have a big Super Bowl party at their house and blah, blah, blah. I tried to go to sleep as fast as I could, and I hope I snored, sneezed, coughed and farted the whole way to Miami.

   There was a two hour layover in Miami, one of my least favorite airports, then about an hour flight to Grand Cayman Island. Getting off the plane in tropical sunshine was a treat, but only for a few seconds as I had to get in line to go through customs. Then I had to find my luggage, which they had to check because there wasn’t enough room inside the plane.

   These little hassles all in a row add up, and it really frazzles the nerves. I’ve had to do it every time I’ve been here, and it just gets old. I finally jumped through all their hoops but then there were no cabs, and I had to wait until one showed up. I barely got to the ship on time, but I did. I got lost finding my room, but it looks exactly like all the others I’ve had.

   I checked my performing schedule and tonight was my three show night. That’s a lot of work after a long day of travel, but that’s how it is. I unpacked, took a shower and found out my toilet doesn’t flush. I had to find my cabin steward and report it, which I did. This kind of stuff happens every week at any time, and it’s never predictable. The shows went fine, but I’m beat. My days of being the tireless young stallion are over. This is WORK.

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary

Dealing With Details

Wednesday January 19th, 2011 - Milwaukee, WI/Fox Lake, IL

   The details in life are supposedly where the success lies, but that’s exactly what I’m not good at. I’m great at coming up with grandiose visionary ideas, then when it comes down to actually pulling any of them off, I’m all over the place. Big projects need big planning.

   They need to be thought out from beginning to end, then executed properly by a team of competent people who each know their individual roles, yet have a team concept and can work together for the common good of the collective. That sounds fantastic in theory, but making it happen in real life is a different story. That’s my goal though, and I’m behind.

   A big skyscraper can’t be built by working a little on the foundation and then a little on the windows, then a little on the elevator shafts. Each job has to be taken care of in proper order, and someone in charge has to oversee both the big picture and the individual jobs.

   Since this is my life and my ideas, I’m in charge by default. Do I know what I’m doing? HELL NO. I’m a complete idiot and I freely admit it. I’m slowly feeling my way around in the dark, and could easily trip and fall into wet cement at any moment. I’m a big klutz.

   Granted, I’m better than I was, but I still have a lot of work to do. I’ve got to fly out for more ship work tomorrow morning, so I went up to Milwaukee today to take care of some details before the big ‘Schlitz Happened!’ show at the South Milwaukee Performing Arts Center Friday January 28th. It’s the first time I rented a space, and I could lose my shorts.

   Actually, the price was pretty reasonable and if not one person shows up I’m not going to have to sleep in the park. I won’t be thrilled about it, but I’ll survive. That’s not what I want to focus on though. I want to focus on FILLING it, not surviving an empty house.

   I went on the air with Drew Olson and Dan Needles on ‘The D List’ on 540 ESPN radio but I also sniffed around for ad rates to buy some air time in the future. I need to come up with at least a semi regular location where I can do the show and really work out the bugs.

   Advertising is essential, and I’m making my plan now. Do I want to do print? I have no idea what works best. I’m willing to try different things, but I do have a limited budget to play with, so I have to be careful. I can’t be buying any Super Bowl TV ads quite yet.

     I talked with my t-shirt guy and he’ll have a fresh load ready for the 28th.  I’ve got some ‘Hard Luck Jollies’ CDs left, so I’m good there. I’ve got the word of mouth word out for the show, but I could do better. Ticket prices are low, and I hope I can get at least a bit of help with the media. I don’t want to blow all my favors though. This is all an experiment.

  The show itself will be solid. Every one so far has been better than the last. I’ll work on it all week on the ship, and when I come back I’ll be ready to go. I’m ready now. If I had to go on tonight, I’d let it rip. I just want there to be someone in the seats to see it. It’s no fun standing on stage alone in a room. Details, details. They’re where I need to improve.

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary

A Reluctant Sailor

Tuesday January 18th, 2011 - Chicago, IL/Fox Lake, IL

   It’s getting to be that time to head back out to sea for the cruise ship life, and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. The money is nice, but that’s about it. Not even the weather is a deal maker. It’ll be sunny and warm I’m sure, and I’ll enjoy it, but if I had my druthers I’d stay here and keep working on everything. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but it’s a fact.

   It would be stupid to pass up the money right now, so I’ll do it and not complain. It’s an opportunity that’s here at the right time, whether I want to do it or not. I’ll use that money to do productive things like pay for ‘Schlitz Happened!’ t-shirts and a website. I met with a web designer to get that ball rolling, and I’m happy with the mock up site he’s created.

   I want to do this right. I’ve got a Facebook page with almost 1000 friends and a website is key. I want to build a mailing list with a newsletter and sell products from the site. I’ve got a lot of ideas rolling around in my brain and can see a clear vision as to what I want.

   I suppose I can keep doing that on the ship, but it’s a lot more convenient being here in the back yard to get it all going. It’s exciting to me to be in charge of all this and see how it continues to grow from just an idea. I know it’s crazy, but that gives me a bigger thrill than being in the sunny Caribbean in January. I admit, not many would share my feeings.

   Higher paying land shows are starting to trickle in as well. I’m getting inquiries from a lot of people who have been referred by bookers I’ve worked for in the past, and I’m very grateful for that. The first quarter of the year is packed with gigs, and that’s always good.

   The smart thing to do is keep doing what I’m doing, and create teams of people to keep me organized. I’m testing all kinds of people I haven’t worked with before, but I think are right for the job. My web person is one, and today I had lunch with Julie Pasley who I’ve known for years from Zanies in Vernon Hills, IL. She knows the business and can help.

   I’m testing out vibes of synergy with these people, and looking for productive matches. I know some won’t work, but a lot more will. I don’t have any idea what I can guarantee these people, but I tell them that up front. I’m just seeing who’s interested in working on these kinds of things. I’m looking to find people’s strengths and match them with mine.

   I find it all great fun, and I genuinely like the people I’m choosing. Tonight I had dinner with Bill Gorgo, the guy who’s helped keep comedy classes going at Zanies in Chicago as I’ve been gone on the ships. He’s got a nice full class going, and that’s great. He’s doing a fantastic job with it, but the real money will be either online or doing one day seminars.

   Between comedy classes, the ships and ‘Schlitz Happened!’, I’ve got my hands full for the year. It’ll save me from having to work the hell holes for bad money, but I want to be smart with what I do with that extra time. Hours get sucked away easily, and they’re a lot more precious as I get older. Time is not on my side anymore, and I know it. I’ll give the audiences on the ship my very best shows, but my heart will be back home in Milwaukee.

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary

An Uncle's Monkey

Monday January 17th, 2011 - Fox Lake, IL

   In all the warped and twisted adventures that add up to my life, the one tangible nugget I can rescue from the smoldering rubble heap and cherish is that I’ve made and continue to make positive progress. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m definitely not where I was.

     I’m learning painful but potent lessons in many areas because I’ve been making a lot of tough but worthwhile decisions I hope I can be proud of later. I’m taking a lot of lumps as well, but hopefully that’ll be a means to an end. The harder the lesson, the better learned.

   Today is the 70th birthday of my Uncle Dave, aka ‘Hogie’. He got that moniker as a kid because my grandmother told me he ate a lot and it was short for ‘Hungry Hogan’. Hogie and my father were their only two children, and they were about as different as can be, or so I thought. In the end, it looks like they’re going to leave behind a very similar legacy.

   As a kid, I always loved Uncle Hogie. He was very funny and always had a new joke to tell my grandpa, which I used to try and eavesdrop on myself. Eventually, I was included and it’s where I got most of my best material for school. He worked for years as a deputy court clerk at the courthouse in Milwaukee, and his office humor stash was world class.

   I remember seeing mimeographed copies of a lot of the stuff that gets passed around on the internet today back in the ‘70s. I asked for copies and he would make them from time to time, and it kept me at the top of my game. I always had fresh joke sheets for school.

   Hogie was also a great cook, and home made corned beef was his specialty. He also had a few other secret dishes up his sleeve. I went over there a lot as a kid, and enjoyed it a lot more than visiting my father’s den of biker debauchery. I thought Hogie was the greatest.

   I remember he used to play chess with me as a kid and totally kick my ass. He showed no mercy, and used to taunt me after he won. I never gave up, and for years I’d play him and say I was going to win someday, which I eventually did. I don’t remember how old I was, but it was in my teens when I finally beat him for the first time. Life changed then.

   I think he was genuinely pissed off. I don’t ever remember playing him again after that one lone but sweet victory. I felt like I knocked out Muhammad Ali, and that’s when my passage into adulthood started. Party over - no more free rides just because I was a kid.

   Hogie was married to a real whipper whom my father affectionately referred to as ‘The Tarantula’. Nobody got along with her, she was a real nut case. She had a way of pooping everyone’s party, and never would let Uncle Hogie chase the dreams he had of opening a restaurant to sell his delicious corned beef. He never did give it a try, and that’s a shame.

   They had two kids, my cousins Leah and Brett. I’ve have had a pretty good relationship since childhood with both of them, and in fact they’ve been closer to me than my siblings. I’m older and always tried to be nice, as sometimes my siblings weren’t very nice to me.

   Our family is one huge dysfunctional mess like most others, but ours runs about as deep as any I’ve seen. We’re rotten to the core. There isn’t any closeness. Everyone is into their own thing, and I find most of them people I don’t want to hang with on purpose. It sucks.

      No more than a few random people get along in our family, and it’s a crapshoot when it comes to who matches up with who. I always thought Hogie was in my corner, and I used to trust him with anything and everything. BIG mistake. It wound up biting me in the ass.

   Since I was raised as a son, my grandpa included me in his will when he died for a third of the share along with my father and Hogie. That didn’t sit well with anyone, and I could feel the jealousy from my father who never tried to hide it. Hogie was a little bit slicker.

   One day, he had me sign some ‘tax papers’ that I stupidly agreed to do. It amputated me of all claims to the will, and I got a small payout. I needed money badly, but I had no idea I was in for a third. I found that out years later, way after I’d signed those papers. I trusted Hogie implicitly, and that’s where I made my mistake. I learned the hard way about life.

   I felt totally used by Uncle Hogie, and that hurt for a long time. He and my aunt bought a brand new SUV and moved to Missouri, or so I heard. Whatever. She died just a couple of years ago, and now he’s all by himself. I heard he’s had cancer on and off for years and the whole thing is just a big mess. Why does life have to be this way? I don’t understand.

   Uncle Hogie is 70 today. His father or brother never made it that far, but I hear he’s sick and not doing well. I don’t wish him any ill will, but I have no desire to talk to him either. What would I say? The damage is done. I have my own problems. He’s on his own now.

   That money would have come in handy over the years, but quite honestly I wasn’t ready for it and probably would have pissed it away like a drunken sailor. I’m not angry about it anymore, and I’m actually having fun with money I’ve earned on my own. If he needed it, so be it. My father too. But neither one did anything good with it. It’s all been a big waste.

   My father is now dead, and can’t hurt me anymore. Uncle Hogie is close, and he missed the boat too. He and Brett haven’t spoken in years, and he’s all alone waiting to die with a laundry list of unfulfilled dreams. That’s sad, and I’m doing all I can to make sure I don’t end up the same way. I work every day to make good choices so I’m not like my family.

   I don’t think I’m better than them or anyone else, but I do think I have different ultimate goals. I want to achieve my full potential, but be a good person doing it. I want to give my all in service, and not end up dying with nobody caring. That means I didn’t touch anyone while I was here, and that’s a total waste of a life. I’ve wasted enough already. Let’s GO.

   I’m sure I’ll get a call in the not too distant future that Uncle Hogie died. I won’t cry, as I didn’t when I heard my father died. I’ll use their lives as a sad example to do exactly the opposite, and hope I can do some good to someone somewhere. I’m not perfect, but I also am not my father or Uncle Hogie. If I do make 70, I want life memories I can be proud of.

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary

Packer-phernalia

Sunday January 16th, 2011 - Kenosha, WI

   This football thing is about to get ugly ‘round these parts. The Packers vs. the Bears is a showdown for the ages, and I’m right in the middle of it all. Literally. It’s like living right on the Mason/Dixon line and having friends who are loyal to both sides. It’s a hot zone.

   Stupid me, I’m based in enemy territory loaded with rival colors. I bought myself a nice new Packers winter jacket this year, after several without one. In fact, the last jacket I had was a blue one that only had the NFL logo over the heart. I bought it specifically because I wanted to remain anonymous, but still warm in winter. I wish I still had that jacket now.

   I got it cheap too. It was a display model and I saw it at the store and asked if it was for sale. There was no price on it, and the clerk had to ask the manager if he could sell it. My reasoning was that I travel so much, I didn’t want to stand out and have to catch any heat from anyone, especially club owners who cheer for another team. It’s a political thing.

   I know how passionate (translate: STUPID) people can get over sports teams, and that includes me too. I don’t need to piss off someone who has the ability to hire me because I cheer for a different sports team. I can cheer all I want, it’s just not smart to wear it on my sleeve - again literally. A nice plain winter coat without team logos is the correct choice.

   Too late. I already bought it. I kind of knew it was a mistake, but I decided to get it as a present for myself. I needed a jacket anyway, as I accidentally ripped a sleeve on the blue one and didn’t want to walk around with duct tape on it. I have a job, I can afford a coat.

   But, in typical Mr. Lucky fashion, I had to buy a flaming colors Packer jacket complete with the gigantic ‘G’ logo on the back and big bright yellow and white stripes down each sleeve. That’s bad enough considering where I live, but it had to be this year, the first one since 1941 the two teams have met in the playoffs. Could there be any more polarization?

   To top it off, I’ve also got a fine array of Packerphernalia including hats, both sweat and t-shirts, and even shoes. What am I, an idiot? No, just a hopelessly addicted fan. Wait, yes I am an idiot. But I can’t help myself. It’s in my blood. I’m hooked on the green and gold.

   I’ve already gotten some nasty comments walking around in a store and getting gas at a pump. I’ve kept my mouth shut so far, but I know me. At some point I’ll probably have a confrontation, and it won’t be pretty. I know how to incite people if I want, and if it were to happen on the wrong day I’ll slice some oaf like a roast beef brisket and not feel guilty.

   If I’m smart, I’ll find a Kevlar lining to wear underneath my jacket. There’s a giant ‘G’ on the back with a smaller one right over the chest that would each serve as a wonderful target for someone with a sniper rifle around here. Why take that risk? It’s just a game.

   Unfortunately, not around these parts. This is WAR, baby. In South America, it’s about soccer. Here, it’s the NFL. Maybe I should move to Bolivia for a week. Nah. Go Packers!

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary

SUCK IT, Favre!

Saturday January 15th, 2011 - Fox Lake, IL

   What a moron I can be at times. I laid down for a nap late this afternoon and slept most of the way through one of the greatest Green Bay Packer playoff wins in history. I nodded off and didn’t wake up until way late in the game when I turned on the TV just in time to see a Packer field goal attempt bounce off the goal post. I had no idea what the score was.

   I felt my heart sink as the ball bounced, but then I saw the score and it turned my frown upside down in a hurry. What a game! I knew I’d be able to catch the highlights on ESPN over and over again, so it wasn’t a total loss. I’d rather do that than have to watch a whole game when they get throttled. I’ve sat through way too many of those. This is a lot better.

   I had a chance at a possible gig tonight, but it fell through late this afternoon. I’m glad it did, as it was one of those small town low paying hell holes I’m trying to avoid. The only reason I said I’d do it was the booker was a comic and trying to get the gig going. I know how it is, and if he couldn’t have found someone I’d have helped out. Thankfully, he did.

   That’s why I took the nap. I had several offers to watch the game, and every one was at a good location with people I wanted to hang with. I hadn’t made a decision, and planned to as soon as I woke up. Oops. Too late. But anytime the Packers win, life is going well.

   After the game, I caught the highlights and enjoyed every one of them. This is a team to be proud of, and it all starts with Aaron Rodgers. The more I watch that guy, the more he impresses me. He’s handled himself with the utmost class, and it’s easy to cheer for him.

   I have to believe Brett Favre is stewing in his own juices right now. That makes it even sweeter. I know he doesn’t care what I think, but it’s still a ripe juicy cherry on top of the whole sundae. He pulled his little crybaby routine, and after it was all said and done, he’s not even in the conversation anymore. He’s had his day, and Rodgers is just entering his.

   The whole team is looking lean and mean. The defense is as together as I’ve ever seen it, and Clay Matthews looks like a budding superstar. Coincidentally, that’s the guy they drafted with the pick they got from the New York Jets for old number 4. Justice prevails.

   The rest of the offense is loaded with hard working class acts. That makes a difference to me, as it’s getting rarer and rarer. The Packers aren’t a bunch of thugs that aren’t team players. As a fan, I can put my total backing in this group of players and I do. I love them.

   Atlanta has a good team too though. I respect how they bounced back from the Michael Vick nightmare and turned that team around in a short time. They’ll be back next year for another run, and they could easily go all the way. Not this year though. GO PACKERS!!

   I’m not going to question why I’m so hooked on the Packers. I am, and that’s that. They really could win the big one this year, and I may never get to see that again in my lifetime. I’ve come too far to drop out now. I’m all in. Bring on those nasty Bears. Suck it, Favre!

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary