My Inner Giant Is Awake

Thursday September 6th, 2007 - Lake Villa, IL

I can feel a lot of things starting to rumble in my life all at once. Less than a month ago I was about as low as I’ve ever felt and that says a lot. Now I am feeling an energy that tells me I am back in sync with whatever I’m supposed to be in sync with and I feel like I’m on track like never before. Something is going to pop, I just know it. I don’t think I have ever felt it exactly like this before but I know I feel something on the horizon. It must be what a dog or cat feels when there is an earthquake about to happen but this one is very positive.

Time and time again I read stories of people in show business who were just ready to go do something else and then something popped for them. It’s great to read those stories but I always thought about the people who nobody read about. They never made it and didn’t have anything written about them. I’m writing this so someone will know I gave it my all.

It’s way past the point of ‘making it big’ now. What does that even mean? I still haven’t got a clue and it’s so different for everyone. It was different for me too. Everyone thinks it must be that stereotypical mansion and lots of cars and getting to walk up the carpet at the Oscars and lunch at Spago with J. Lo or P. Diddy. Or both. I don’t think that’s it for them either. Life is a lot deeper and more complicated than that or at least I think it should be.

The older I get the less I care about a lot of things that used to be important to me. All I really want to do is keep growing as a comedian and be the very best one I can be. It used to be that I wanted to be one of the best of all time and I know my intentions were good in thinking that but now I don’t feel that way at all. The greats are the greats but it’s fruitless to compare anyone to anybody else. If I am mentioned in the same sentence at any time in the future with some of the all time legendary comedic performers that would be flattering but it doesn’t change the fact that I need to still keep improving and be the best ME I can.

That’s what it’s all about. My grandfather always harped at me about stuff like this and I can see now that he was SO right with all of it. He used me as his wisdom receptacle and I am grateful beyond words for the wealth of smarts he let trickle down to me. I’ve sure not always been right with my decisions but now I can feel a path opening up and something I am going to be very thrilled with at the end of it. What anyone else does is irrelevant now.

I know I whine and snivel all the time about working in toilets for low money and that is probably not going to change until I work in toilets for BIG money. That’s the key for me or at least I think it is. The security of having money in the bank would make me a lot less on edge sometimes but even that may not be the be all and end all I imagine it to be. I get a huge thrill out of being on stage and making an audience full of strangers laugh when it’s obvious that they didn’t come to see me. The pressure of delivering a strong show night in and night out is actually very attractive. When I make them pop I feel like I am a winner.

Many years ago Robin Williams dropped in at the Funny Bone in Milwaukee to do a set. The audience worshipped him for 55 minutes and then he got off and asked if any of what he did was funny. “I just never know anymore.” he said. “They laugh at everything I do.”

I really think that he was bored with it and that was about twenty years ago now. He’s a big star and makes big money and has all the things people like me are striving for and yet I have no clue if he’s satisfied or happy or not and I don’t think it guarantees it in any way.

My eyes seem like they’re opening on many levels lately and I wonder why that is? Am I getting older and is it natural? Are all the years of struggle finally starting to pay off? Does any of it mean anything or am I just a bipolar wack job and next week I’ll be looking for a pistol to suck on? I don’t know but what I do know is that I am starting to feel differently all throughout my being. I am gaining a confidence like I’ve never had and a wisdom too.

Am I shriveling up into Yoda? I better get an ear hair trimmer and a smock and start the Clone Wars before I go to Toledo next week. But I do absolutely feel a wonderful feeling of electrified energy running through me and I am seeing things in life on a higher level.

This huge idea I had last week in Utah is a major part of it. It is the culmination of years of struggle and pain and low times and my brain came together and gave birth to the idea. I feel like it’s an epiphany or moment of clarity or whatever name it’s going to have but it certainly does have me excited like I’ve NEVER been excited about anything in my life.

I will gladly write about it in detail in this very diary when I get it more concrete but for now I need to keep it quiet so nobody can steal my idea. I will say it’s a business idea that I had and I need to protect myself before I say anymore about it. I have to keep it low for now but then I’ll be trying to tell EVERYBODY. That’s when nobody will care about it.

Whether anyone cares about it or me or not I know it’s going to be THE most fun thing I have ever attempted. I really think I am going to pull this off and it will shock everybody but me. I’ve had ideas like this my whole life and they are all coming together right now. I am going to use my skills and learn from my past mistakes and take a chance and let it rip!

My energy is bubbling inside of me and I feel like I’m getting ready to climb my personal Mt. Everest. I’m not afraid to fail and I’m not afraid to succeed. I am afraid of NOT trying it at all but that won’t happen because am going to do this whether anyone approves of it. I was always shot down by so many people up in Milwaukee that I still remember it today. Whether it was my family or people I worked with or who ran the places I wanted to work I had many a clash with people who wouldn’t let me do what I wanted creatively. I’m very adamant about what I want to do and how I want to do it and most creative people are the same. I’m not mean, or at least not on purpose. I just don’t suffer fools and idiots well.

I’ve grown and learned a lot and am a different and better person all these years later. It will be fun to pull off this idea because it took a lifetime to prepare for it. Yes it could be a big moneymaker if I hit with it but if it isn’t it will have been a joy to try it at all. Let’s go!

I had lunch with Marc Schultz and Tim Walkoe today. They thought I was crazy but the majority of people I know do as well. It’s just a matter of who thinks I’m the good crazy. We had a fun lunch and they wished me luck. I don’t need luck this time. I know this is it.