Texas Torture Test

Thursday September 20th, 2007 - Houston, TX

The majority of today was a major malfunction but I was bulletproof so I’m still feeling ok. When I’m having a bulletproof day I can take almost anything but when I’m down I’m vulnerable to any and every little thing. I’m glad I wasn’t down today because it was really stressful. The one thing I did correctly today was to focus on the positive the whole day.

My plane was leaving at high noon out of O’Hare and I woke up early and finished up a few things I was working on. I needed to mail out a few cds to some people to send to the troops in a care package and I’m always all about that. There is also a person who is really sick and one of his friends said he could use some cheering up so I sent one to him also.

I know how good it feels to laugh when one is needed though and today I sure could’ve used a few more than I had. The entire day seemed like it was spent waiting in line. I left a little later than I wanted because there was a line in the post office when I mailed the cds. I was running late and then had to wait in line at the gas station because all the pumps were being used.

Nobody was hurrying and I was getting tense but rather than make some rude (but usually funny) remark I focused on catching my plane. I pictured myself on the plane and doing a crossword puzzle and enjoying a nice icy cold glass of tomato juice and going to Houston which is a place I really enjoy. It was hard to focus on that but I forced myself.

Then I missed all the traffic lights getting to the freeway and had to wait some more. It’s frustrating when the other direction gets the green turning arrow and it happened on every single light today. It is a huge pet peeve of mine but there’s nothing I could do. It’s cosmic sodomy. The universe was passing out punishment for some reason but why was it today?
Road construction and nose picking halfwits talking on cell phones and smoking caused my blood pressure to hit cardiac proportions as I began to wonder if I’d make the plane at all. I had to slam on the brakes because some nimrod on a cell phone cut me off without a signal but I was bulletproof and didn’t ram him off the road like I would want to normally.

I took a deep breath and tried to pick up the toll booth change that went flying all over my front floor and that made me swerve and almost hit a construction worker. He was lucky. I was lucky too I guess because I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere at all if that happened.

All this tension kept building as I got to O’Hare’s remote parking structure. I was going to park at a discount lot but I had no time for that today. I did cruise the lot and say ‘Ok, I need my parking spot. Where is it?’ I got the best one I ever got and I was very grateful as if I didn’t I’d really have been in trouble then. I schlepped my bags up the escalator right in time to barely make the train which was packed like the O.J. courtroom scene this week. I stood next to a lady that had a bad mix of B.O. and old lady perfume and it made me want to gag right there. The train was way slow and I could feel my arteries harden right there.

When I got to the check in gate there were no machines so I had to wait again. Then the guy at the x-ray machine was having an argument with his co worker and neither spoke an identifiable language so all I could do was wait again until they were done with their spat.

My bladder was throbbing so I stopped to drain the lizard and of course all urinals were full of arthritic Amish with button up pants and an unscrewing catheter and nobody could seem to get their pantaloons off. I took a breath and refrained from making the comment I quite often would make in a situation like this. It was difficult but I kept my mouth shut.

I ended up making the plane by about two minutes. That was WAY too close but I kept on consciously focusing on being on the plane rather than being left in Chicago. My seat is usually in the back and today was no exception. I didn’t get to sit next to any sexy women and my flight attendant looked like she was a sparring partner in a lesbian UFC federation. She kept shoving my leg out of the way as she walked past and I wanted to kick her with it but again I didn’t. I was bulletproof and just sat there and laughed about it for a while.

The lady right in front of me kept knocking whatever I had on the tray table right out of my hand as she kept jerking her seat back and then jerking it forward a few minutes later. I had my computer fly into my lap so hard I thought I was going to get circumcised again.

I did manage to get at least some work done and by the time we hit Houston I was ready for a nap. I went through the drive thru at Whataburger which is a Texas treat. I love them and it’s one of the best fast food places in America along with In ’n Out Burger. I took my burger out in my rental car and got cut off again and it wound up in my lap and ruined my pants. That was the only pair of pants I brought so I stopped at the store to buy a nice pair for the shows this week. I was not angry and up until then I was holding out pretty good.

Then I had a challenge as the woman in front of me bought some handkerchiefs or some stupid thing and tried to pay ‘half cash, half check’. UGH. It took about twenty minutes to figure it out and the clerk was new and the woman couldn’t find her license and I sat there and stewed about it until I was almost ready to ball up my fist and club her like a baby seal until her pebble sized brain rolled out her ear hole and then I’d squash it like a water bug.

But I took some breaths and remembered how much I like Houston and that I had a nice Whataburger that tasted very good except for the shrapnel it left on my pants and I was ok for a few more minutes. But then she still couldn’t find her driver’s license and I bit my lip.

All this was enough for one day but it was just starting. The show tonight was one of the worst audiences I’ve seen in several years. They just were NOT into anything and I wasn’t the only one who had trouble but since I’m the headliner I had to suffer with it a lot longer than the other two. It was forty five minutes of trying to shut up a ganja smoking Jamaican woman who hadn’t learned manners apparently. She had such a thick accent I couldn’t get what she was saying and it was a nightmare from start to finish. This one was a total loss.

And to make it worse there was an unbelievably gorgeous twenty something woman that sat right in the front with no bra and it looked like two cantaloupes were trying to get out of the bag and I was hoping they would so I could get a finder’s fee. She was with an oily doofus who was all over her and halfway through my set they just got up and left. She was staring at me with disapproval until then. This was an ugly day I’d rather forget. I’m tired.