Black Thursday

Thursday November 29th, 2007 - Fort Smith, AR

Back in the line of fire. This week is now officially a major mistake and I can’t wait until I’m out of here. Tonight was cruel and unusual punishment. I got to the Electric Cowboy at 8:00 for what was supposed to be an 8:30 show and again saw cowboy hats and t-shirts lining the seated area. There was a gigantic dance floor behind that and more seats way on the other side of that. The first red flag was the hats and t-shirts and the second was that a few people were sitting way in back at those tables on the other side of the dance floor.

The smoke was thicker than the metal on the belt buckles and the host of the show was a full blown cowboy with an accent thicker than it all. I knew I was in the wrong place and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Jack Willhite was again the opener and he really is a very nice guy. I like talking to him off stage and his act is very good for what it is but what that is is not standup comedy. He is a one man revue who could give Danny Gans a run in Vegas and once again the crowd loved him. He only had to do about 35 minutes so he was able to do all the hits and they cheered loudly the whole time as he switched his costumes.

The sound system wasn’t the greatest and the small stage was even smaller because Jack has his equipment set up and the spot light was very narrow and if I didn’t stand directly in it nobody could see me. The degree of difficulty on this one was right up there with any of the countless shows I’ve ever done. I dreaded going up but I’m here so what could I do?

Then to make it even worse right before I went on people were talking about the Packer game at the bar. Word got out that the Cowboys were winning 27-10 and that was not the pick-me-up I needed to hear right before going on. Then they said Brett Favre was hurt so badly he would be out for the season. That really got my attention just as I got introduced. I was walking to the stage and the people at the bar were laughing and saying things like ‘I hope they rip his arm off.’ It’s the same stuff I say about the Bears but these guys meant it.

I launched into my act full bore and was determined to give them all I had. I really do try to give my best show if people come to see me and I want them to enjoy it. I didn’t try any fancy stuff or talk down to them or do anything but give them good solid comedy material I have been working to perfect my entire life. They looked at me like I was speaking Latin.

The people down here are just plain DUMB. There are plenty of idiots up north but I am convinced there is something wrong with the majority of the south. I don’t know what it is but it’s real. I slowed down and tried to find their rhythm and I laid out one good line right after the next and they just sat there staring. Nothing. Silence. I felt like an intruder here. I have been able to make people laugh with this stuff for years but not this night. Not here.

It got to be funny after a while but not for long. Any time I would mention a body part or function that couldn’t be mentioned on TV they’d come to life for a second. Then they would go back into uncomfortable silence when I’d go to a solid routine that works every other place in North America. I ate it for most of these 55 minutes even worse than I did in Jonesboro on Tuesday. This one was painful but I had to finish all my time to get paid.

If I don’t do the time I don’t get paid so after a while I told them I was just going to get through the time and they’d never have to see me again and if they would please not break out into discussion groups I would appreciate it. They did exactly that so I finished up and got off stage just in time to see the idiots at the bar high fiving because the Cowboys won.

This whole night pushed all my buttons. Maybe it was a test. What for I don’t know but I had to sit there and wait to get paid as I watched a room full of Arkansas Skoal chewers rejoice about the Cowboys beating the Packers. That was bad enough but then I had more torture in store as people lined up to buy Jack’s DVDs he was selling and hearing them all tell him that ’YOU should have been the headliner. That guy was TERRIBLE.’ They were too dumb to figure out I was standing there three feet away and could hear every word.

The manager came out of his office with pay envelopes for us and this is where my years of road experience came in handy. He didn’t watch the show and asked ’How’d ya like it?’ I shook his hand like he’d just given me the keys to the Playboy mansion and said ’WOW! What a place! These people are FANTASTIC down here! Thanks for having me tonight!’

His eyes lit up and he said ’No problem at all. I’m glad you liked it. Sometimes northern comedians have a hard time here.’ I took my envelope and counted my money and said my goodbyes and got in my car and felt like driving into an oncoming train. This one was bad. I am glad I had the presence of mind not to tell the manager though because all that really matters is that they bought some drinks which they certainly did. He will not have had to know I had a rough show because there is no way I’m ever coming back here ever again.

Everyone in entertainment has people that like what they do and those who don’t. Elvis got kicked off the Grand Old Opry but he found his fans and never had to go back. I don’t need to come back to The Electric Cowboy in Fort Smith, AR at least not in this lifetime. I am the King of Uranus and this is a black hole that doesn‘t need me. Farewell, Fort Smith.

One last kick in the teeth was on my way back to the hotel. I passed a barbecue joint the people at the bar were talking about and it looked like the road house that would have the good stuff. The lights were on and the sign said OPEN so I parked and walked in. I asked the waitress if they were serving food and she said ‘No, nobody’s eatin’. Everyone’s drunk ’cause the Cowboys stomped on them Packers. Wanna beer?’ I said no thanks and left.

There was a Taco Bell on the way so I stopped there. I’m in Tulsa tomorrow so I asked the kid at the register how far it was while I was waiting for my food. ‘About three hours’ he said. ‘Is that where you’re headed?’ I told him I was and he said ‘PLEASE would you take me with you? This town SUCKS. I need to get out of here man. I’ll go anywhere.’

That made me feel a little better but not a lot. I got my food and came back to the hotel and turned the TV off because they were analyzing what went wrong with the game. I am not interested in that tonight and I am trying to keep a positive mental outlook. I had been on such a roll recently but tonight sure brought me back into the abyss. I need to look up.