A Presidented Can

Tuesday January 20th, 2009 - Chicago, IL/Milwaukee, WI

The smartest thing for me to do would be to keep my mouth shut about how I’m feeling today about the inauguration but I can’t do it. My gag reflex is going off and I can’t stand it anymore. Am I the only one that’s already sick of him and his first day isn’t even over?

I haven’t been this disgusted since I had to sit through that super obnoxious Super Bowl Shuffle video over and over again when the Chicago Bears won it all in 1985. I still want to launch my lunch when I see it on TV even now but thankfully I don’t see it that often.

I’ll be seeing Barack Obama on TV every day. I already have been. He’s the new Christ figure apparently and he can do no wrong. Now that he’s in charge I’m sure I’ll get chicks flocking to me and my bills will be paid and all my problems will be solved. He’s HERE!

It saddens and embarrasses me to see how flamingly stupid and gullible the vast mass of the American public actually is. I can’t believe how many supposedly educated people are offering their blind allegiance to someone who hasn’t shown he can lead a game of jacks.

Sorry, but he doesn’t impress me. Never did. He’s a slick talking smiler in a silk suit at a time when the masses seem to think they need a manufactured messiah and I for one am not buying into his line of calculated crap. This is all the result of massive white guilt and I think it’s insane. I hope I’m wrong but this will do more to divide the races than ever.

Can a black man run this country? Absolutely. Can it be Barack Obama? Maybe but it’s still evident to me that he is very green and got the job way too early in my opinion. How about paying a few dues first? The only thing he did as a senator was run for president. If he weren’t partially black he NEVER would have gotten the nod. Sorry but it‘s the truth.

I’m probably going to br crucified for saying this but I‘ve been in trouble before. This is my opinion and the last I heard this was still a country where I could state said opinion. It could be changing sooner than later but as of now I am not able to offer my blind support of a person that I don’t think is ready for the job and also has socialist views I don‘t like.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m not a Bush supporter either. I don’t blindly listen to anything he or either political party pipes down my throat. I’m WAY less than thrilled about all the scabs Mr. Bush left us with as a nation. War SUCKS but it’s big business. Nobody likes a war except the people who finance it. Blood spills while wallets fill. It’s all wrong to me.

Yes I’m cynical and non trusting and in many ways a pessimist but that’s how a dented can thinks. We’ve seen so much ugliness and disappointment in our lives that it’s difficult to keep a straight face when all these Pollyanna pie in the sky promises fly like taco farts.

Despite what the drunken stupid pinhead masses think - NOBODY is going to turn it all around. Not Barack Obama. Not the Democratic party. Not the Republican party. Not any other party either including communist, birthday or Tupperware. It’s all up to ourselves.

I’m a comedian. Allegedly. That depends on who you’re talking to I guess but for all of my adult life I’ve been able to eek and squeak out a living by finding enough people who were willing to pay me to ply my comedic trade. I’ve turned my funny into honest money.

That being said, a comedian’s job is to poke holes in theories and make fun of things. It goes with the job and most of us start out in school. We see something that looks like it’s stupid or useless and we comment on it. Sometimes we’re right but sometimes we aren’t.

The fact is that’s how our minds think. We’re trained to look for the flaw and then we’ll exploit that to find where the jokes are. That’s the same process I’m using here. I want the country to run smoothly no matter who the president is and I want that now but I can’t see how that’s on our horizon in the near future. There’s too much back story here to ignore.

My grandfather was a cynic in many ways but an optimist too. He used to tell me quite often that ‘this world is 99% shit. It’s your job to find yourself a peanut.’ I didn’t get what he meant at the time but it makes dead on sense to me now. That’s exactly what I will do.

I don’t hate Barack Obama personally. I truly don’t. Hate is a strong word and I’m very careful with how I use it and this is not that. Truth be told I think he’s a very smart person and he’s got boatloads of charisma. That’s what got him where he is. The public seems to adore him on the border of blind worship and that’s what troubles me. They’re at fault.

Maybe Barack is a good guy. I hope he is. But good guys don’t necessarily matter when it comes to being in charge of our nation. I’m a good guy by most people’s accounts but if you need open heart surgery I’m not the one to see. Nice as I am if I’m doing it you‘ll die.

I see this whole scenario as a Packer fan who had to sit through the Bears glory years. It really isn’t the team I can’t stand so much as the obnoxious fans. THEY’RE why I crave a loss for every game the Bears play. The players get paid but the idiot fans feel the sting of the loss and that makes my whole week. It’s the same thing here. I can’t stand his fans.

Well, I can’t stand their blind acceptance that he’s the new Jesus and all the problems of life will be over now that ‘change’ is here. What the hell change is it anyway? Has he said even ONCE what that elusive ‘change’ is going to be? Hitler promised change too. And it came. I’m not comparing Barack Obama to Hitler but I do want a guy with a track record.

The great part of all this is that I don’t mean a damn thing in the big picture of any of it. I am going to continue to be the dung beetle I’ve always been and every day I’m alive I’ll continue to push the ball of dung I’ve been given across the desert of life hoping the giant lizards don’t catch me and eat me for lunch. I’m just trying to make it back home alive.

But for the rest of the idiots who think the savior’s here - GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. He’s not going to ‘change’ anything except our country into a socialist state. You want health care? GET A DAMN JOB AND BUY INSURANCE. Don’t let this guy tell you it’s owed to you. NOTHING is owed to us. We all have to get out and work for it.