Tuesday June 21st, 2011 - Libertyville, IL Being stuck in a seemingly hopeless situation like I am is not without some moments of extreme humor. If there’s one thing I’ve learned to do throughout a lifetime of ‘worst case scenario’ situations is find the funny - and it’s ALWAYS there. This time is no different. Unfortunately, humor comes from pain - and I’m in all kinds of it. Not only that, it’s the absolute worst kind imaginable. Yes, women have childbirth. Everyone says that hurts the worst, and I’m not disputing it. However, when a man’s coin purse is out of whack, other men are drawn to it and have a morbid curious empathy. It‘s the universal male language. I played baseball all of my youth and I dare any male to not laugh when a bad hop pops up and catches someone in the prunes. Not only do opponents and fans in the stands howl uncontrollably, one’s own teammates are sure to laugh the loudest. It’s especially funny if you know the guy personally. I don’t know why, but it adds a personal depth to the scene. Any male who’s had any kind of testicular alteration has it become his identity for life. I can still remember a kid from my grade school who had to have one of his beans removed after having a sledding accident. For the rest of school he was known as ’One Ball Bill’. I never knew if he found that funny, but everyone else in school surely did. We couldn’t stop with the one liners, and I have to admit I made my share and then some. It’s way too funny for a grade school kid not to laugh - especially when it’s someone else’s genitalia. I guess it’s my time to get paid back. Word is out that I have to have my own testicular situation altered, and I can hear the jokes flying back and forth from my hospital bed. Do I care? Not really. And, I probably deserve it. I’ve made fun of others myself, so let it rip. I can take a joke, and I’m usually the first one to laugh at myself. I just want the intense pain and uncertainty to go away. Once that’s done, I’ll be able to laugh a lot, and I’m sure I’ll crank out a lot of bits about my experiences here. I think I’ll call the CD “Half Nuts“. I’ve heard other comedians do bits about being in the hospital, but I have to believe I’ll be able to trump them all. That’s still a ways off though, I’ve got a lot of things unsettled apparently. Going home is not an option right now, and they told me I’d have to have the surgery at their convenience and that would take a lot of preparation on everyone’s part. So, here I sit - barely able to because I have an inflated scrotum that looks exactly like a sick clown twisted a balloon animal out of it. It’s swollen, discolored, painful as hell, and there are no signs of relief. The pain is so intense, I want to end my life quite frankly, but I’m still able to see the humor in it all. If I was watching this as a movie, I’d be howling. Right now, I’m howling in pain. Not only is my groin killing me, I’m having to learn to stick myself with needles several times a day for the diabetes. More laughs on the way but for now I’m sitting all alone in a hospital bed wondering why I have to go through all this.
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