Saturday June 18th, 2011 - Fox Lake, IL There are scant few things in this life that tend to capture one’s full, complete and 100% undivided attention, especially in males, more than a malfunction with the genitals. Even the slightest glitch anywhere close to ‘down there’ becomes Topic A, and all else quickly fades to a distant blur. Unfortunately, I’ve had way too much experience with this myself. When I was about five, I can still remember being out in the back yard by myself at my grandparents’ house in Milwaukee doing what five year old boys do in a back yard in the summer. There were birds and bugs and flowers and a big old lawn to run around on, and I remember having the time of my life out there. The weather was great and I was content. One thing my grandparents both watched over like hawks was my sugar intake. I’m not sure if it was because they’d gone through The Great Depression and didn’t want to spend money on sweets or that they just didn’t want me to be a hyperactive little maniacal out of control monkey like we see so commonly today. Whatever the case, sweets were treats. That particular day, we’d had watermelon for lunch and that was a big time treat. I think I ate double my weight at the time in watermelon and eventually my five year old kidneys needed to do what they do and I didn’t feel like walking all the way back to the house and leave all the fun I was having so I whipped it out in the yard and started to let it sprinkle. As luck would have it, while I had my pee shooter out a rather large dragonfly decided it wanted to use me as a landing perch and I just about had a heart attack. To my five year old eyes, that thing looked like a pterodactyl right out of Jurassic Park and I thought I was going to be carried away to a strange land by that thing and dropped into a live volcano. I panicked and yanked the zipper of my shorts up as fast as I could and managed to snag a hunk of skin and get it caught in the zipper. I must have screamed loud enough because I remember my grandmother coming all the way out in the yard to see what it was about. I’ve still got a scar there to this day, and I don’t know what it’s good for other than that story. It’s hilarious when someone ELSE’S ‘nads are put in jeopardy but when the lottery number strikes home it’s a whole different story. Nobody wants to win that sweepstakes. Right now I’m not feeling healthy at all. I’ve been struggling with a horrific cough that may or may not be related to a case of pneumonia I had when I was three years old. They said back then I’d have to be careful my whole life because it would be very easy to get it again. I know I should be seeing a doctor on a regular basis, but who has money for that? I’m in a very bad way because my right testicle is swelling up for some reason and I am more than a little concerned about it. As a man, when one of the twins swells up, it’s a no laugh situation. Oh, it’s hilarious when it happens to someone else, but when it’s in one’s own pants the joke isn’t quite as funny. I’ve been in pain all day, and if it doesn’t get any better by tomorrow morning I’ll have to go get it checked out. This gets my full attention.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment