Saturday Night Heaver

Saturday April 4th, 2009 - Kansas City, KS

Saturday night is supposed to be THE night in the comedy business. I would assume it’s that way for theatre, improv, live music and probably every other kind of entertainment as well. It’s the main night people go out and it’s usually to a destination planned in advance.

As a rule there are no free tickets given out on Saturday night. That’s the ‘money night’. That’s when the club makes it’s nut and in turn pays the comedians. That’s usually when a club is packed the most and in theory that’s when the best audiences show up. If they paid to get in in theory they’ll usually listen and enjoy the show. Usually. Not tonight however.

Not for me at least. There was something in the air tonight and I was way off my game. I don’t know what it was but I could feel it immediately. The early show was hard work to even keep their attention for 45 minutes. They were very chatty and didn’t gel as a crowd. I kept trying different bits to get them in a groove but they never came totally together.

I’ve had plenty of audiences like that over the years but not usually on a Saturday. It’s a matter of investment. If people get in free they don’t have anything invested in a show and maybe they’ve never seen live entertainment before as strange as that may sound. I am still amazed at how many people have never seen live comedy before but it’s just a fact of life.

I have enough experience to be able to pull off 45 minutes on stage under even the most difficult of circumstances. It may not be fun for me but sometimes I’m not there for me so I have to suck it up and do my time so the club can make their money and give me mine. It can make for a long night when it’s not going well but that’s what makes a professional.

George Clinton said in an interview that he’s able to fake it when things aren’t going like they’re supposed to and when I read it I couldn’t imagine what he meant. I just assume the band knows what they’re doing but now that I think about it there must be a ton of things that can go wrong. He’s got twenty or thirty or more people on stage at once to oversee.

Then there’s the audience. I guess since I love the music I assume everyone else there is a fan too. I never experienced it from the stage and I would have to believe even they have off nights too. I’m there to see George and I know how great the band is when they’re on their game so I can cut them a lot of slack on any given night. They’ve proven themselves.

I thought about all that tonight as I stood there trying to get through the early show. I’m pretty hard on myself as a critic and expect a level of excellence most others don’t. I know how I can do it and if I don’t reach that level it bothers me. I want to give every single one of my audiences my very best show possible. I don’t expect perfection but excellence I do.

Part of my problem was I didn’t watch the show before me. That’s not smart but I had a comedian friend I hadn’t seen in years come by to visit and we started talking and before I knew it it was time for me to go on. His name is Elliott Threatt and he’s from here and we worked together many times as I was coming up the ranks. He’s a wonderfully nice guy.

Elliott is very entrepreneurial. He’s always been into opening businesses and we just hit it off from way back. He has a GNC store here in Kansas City and also some businesses in the airport too. I think it’s a book store and a snack shop but I know he’s got a contract at least for the next fifteen years so that pays his bills. He’s got a family and this is his home.

Even still, he’s still a comedy lifer as am I. No matter what he’s doing he still enjoys that time on stage and we talked about that. Both of us are thinking about other things to bring in a buck but when it’s all said and done we’re still comics, even on off nights like tonight.

I was glad the first show was over and I had a huge group coming to see me for the late show. My friend Jerry Agar’s realtor is a great guy and came to see me once before. He is a huge fan and I’m very flattered that not only did he come out but he brought a big crowd of others out to specifically see me. They must have had over twenty people in their party.

Elliott went up and did some time for the second show and it went fine but by the time it was my turn they were very drunk and they bought me even less than the first crowd did. I could tell I was in trouble in the first two minutes when my opening lines met with silence.

To make it worse there were two tables of hot women right up front on each side of the stage. One was well behaved but so hot they were distracting to look at. The other was an entirely different situation. They were not well behaved at all and I couldn’t shut them up.

They’d talk on their cell phones and text and get up to go to the bathroom one after the other and come back and start talking again and I tried to make a joke about it but it got in the way after a while. The audience was difficult enough without this and after quite a few attempts to be nice and politely request they keep it quiet I brought out the heavy artillery.

I couldn’t believe it as I was saying it but I dropped the big ‘C’ bomb on them. I felt the energy drain out of the room as it usually does and then I was really in trouble. They were pretty stunned to say the least and the one I directed it to started crying and they left very shortly thereafter. I wasn’t sad to see them go but I was embarrassed that I dropped a ‘C‘.

Jerry’s friend Brian and his group were there and that really bothered me for the rest of the night. I worked my ass off trying to get the audience back and I could feel the river of sweat flowing down my back as I let loose with everything I could give them to bring the energy back. I knew as it was happening this wasn’t the real me but they didn’t know that.

I can’t remember a time when I was happier to see a five minute light than tonight. I saw it and my heart rejoiced that the torture would soon be over. I finished up with my closing bit which has gotten me out of many an ugly situation before tonight but it just laid there.

I didn’t want to face Brian’s group but they loved the show and were all thrilled to meet me. I apologized but they thought I was great. In fact some said how the ’C’ bomb did the job and made the women shut up, which it did. But they weren’t offended. I could tell they all had fun and were nice people too. Go figure. What a night this was. I’m glad it‘s over.