Hospital Hijinx

Monday March 8th, 2010 - Kenosha, WI

Here we go with another unexpected adventure. I sure didn’t plan on any of this taking place, but it did and here I sit with my education, wondering what to do next. I was in so much pain after the radio show last night and exhausted from driving so I just got a motel room in Kenosha, WI to make it easier. More driving would have been asking for trouble.

I had a difficult time walking up the one step it took to get from my car to the sidewalk next to my room, and then there was the step up to get into the room. I’d never even think of that before, but right now, everything involved with walking or sitting is a huge issue.

Everyone and their uncle’s grandma are now starting to give me all kinds of conflicting folk remedies, and I don’t know what to believe. Some say ice it, others say put heat on it. One was to take a hot bath in Epsom salt. I have no idea what that’s supposed to do, but it came from a good source and I do remember my grandparents having some at their house.

I never asked them what it was for, and I guess I assumed it was something you sprinkle on the sidewalk after it snows. I don’t know what therapeutic powers it has, but I’m to the point now I’d try just about anything up to and including the direct insertion of a flaming organic pickle up my poop shoot counter clockwise. If that would help, I’d have one in.

I tried the bath, but sitting down was a major production. I bet it took a half hour before I could lower myself into the tub, and when I did I could barely stretch my legs out. How many times have I gotten a handicapped hotel room when I didn’t want it that had exactly what I needed tonight? Too many times to count. Not tonight. I had to shut up and soak.

Personally, I didn’t feel any better after sitting there for about an hour, but I did it and if there are any hidden benefits, hopefully I’ll get them. If not, I’ll have the rest of the box in my car to use in the next snow storm in case I need it. That or I’ll sprinkle it on popcorn.

I went to bed after taking the hot bath, but my knee was on FIRE painful. I didn’t sleep very well, and woke up early and decided to get it looked at. I drove myself to the Aurora Health Care Clinic on Highway 50 in Kenosha and they took me right away with no wait.

I had no idea what the procedure would be, but it wasn’t difficult at all. I was instructed to go into a room and put on one of those one piece gowns that exposes the back forty and of course I couldn’t figure out how to put it on. It had snaps and ties and it was confusing.

I was laughing because I could see it coming, and sure enough - two hotties came in and caught me as I was trying to figure it out. I laughed and told them I wasn’t really in pain, I just did this to meet women. Luckily they laughed too, or I’d be even worse off. Or in jail.

They took x-rays, and were about to x-ray the wrong leg until I told them. That’s totally my luck, having the wrong leg done. They took blood and gave me an anti inflammatory medicine via IV and now I have to wait and see what the problem is. I hope it’s cheap.