What Is Crazy?

Friday April 30th, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL

Feeling MUCH better today. It’s like the dark clouds broke, and a ray of sunshine found it’s way to my face and recharged my batteries. Maybe I’m not all the way back, but it’s a lot better than it was. I’ve been here before too, and now it’s time for the creativity part of this whole mood swing thing. The hurricane is over, time to build stuff with the boards.

I found myself having all kinds of ideas today, as usually happens. I can see things in an entirely new way, and it’s like the darkness jumbles up my brain and reshuffles every idea I’ve ever had and puts a new spin, twist or angle on it. I can’t say I hate it either. It’s fresh and exciting, and I found myself pulling my car over more than once to write ideas down.

I tried to look objectively at my entire life right here, right now, and decide what’s good and what needs to go. What do I lack and what do I want? How am I going to get it? Who do I need to contact more, and who do I need to amputate from my life? Am I doing what I need to do to get results I want? Do I have a plan in place? Is it working how I want it?

It all seemed crystal clear to me as I went back to the post office to mail out more CDs. There wasn’t any sun out today, but this time that’s what I craved. It was the opposite of last time, when the sun was shining inward. Today, it was shining outward. Much better.

I really believe deep down inside, warts and all, I’m a pretty good person. Yes, I have a ton of quirks and shortcomings as we all do, but at 4am when the car breaks down, most of my friends know that if they call me I’ll come help them. That has to count for at least a little something in this life, doesn’t it? I sure hope so, but at least I can sleep at night.

I’m far from perfect, but at least when I screw up I claim it and make an attempt to fix whatever needs to be fixed. If I’m wrong I’ll admit it, and if I’m right I’ll stand by it, even if it’s not the popular choice - which it often isn’t. At least I’ve got some convictions and I’m not worried in the slightest about who likes them and who doesn’t. I’m in my groove.

The point is, I like myself and I’m not upset if I have to spend time alone. I could easily do prison time (other than the lovin’ and squeezin’ with my cellmate part) and those who can’t stand me should really worry about that. Yes, I’m crazy, and if I do ever finally flip, prison is not a deterrent. They’ll feed me, give me a place to sleep, and there are books.

I’m not looking to go to prison, and I’m not looking to flip out on anyone either. I want to have FUN, and I want to set and achieve goals that I like, regardless of what any other person thinks. I want to take my comic abilities to a level even I haven’t imagined, and if I do that I’ll make people laugh the rest of my life and beyond. I want to become a legend.

I already am in some circles, but not always in a good way. Sure, I’ve made some brutal mistakes. Some of them were so good I did them over again and again just to make sure I got credit for them, and boy did I. I’ve tried to undo as many as I could, but not everybody thinks the same way I do. I’ve shot myself in both feet and both ass cheeks many times.

Still, I didn’t die, and I didn’t piss everyone off either. There are a lot of people who are in my corner and always have been, and for them I have such love, respect and gratitude I can’t come close to putting it into words. THOSE are the people that keep me keeping on. Those are the ones I want to think of me as a positive legend and a source of inspiration.

I want to have more television appearances and radio shows and develop and release as many products as I can crank out whether it’s a CD, DVD, book, whatever. I want people to think of me as one of the all time great creative minds, and when my name comes up I want people to break out in a big smile of recognition and say “He was SOMETHING.”

Ted Williams wanted people to look at him walk down the street and say “There goes the greatest hitter who ever lived.” Was he? If not, he was damn close, and one can argue his case quite proudly and not look like a dummy. Ted Williams had guts, and he also had vision. He also had a work ethic, and he was also crazy. We have quite a bit in common.

Ted Williams was loved and hated, but nobody could question he was one of the greats of all time in baseball. I respect the hell out of everything he was and stood for, and I have to believe if we met we’d have gotten along famously. It takes major trouser pebbles to be who one is and not care who likes it or who doesn’t. That’s what I think a real winner is.

I want to be a winner, starting from the inside out. Immediately. I want people to look at me walk down the street and say “There goes the King of Uranus!” They can laugh at me all they want, because it’s FUNNY - and I want to be walking to the bank when they see me walking down the street. I want to squeeze out every last bit of life I have left.

I really don’t care who’s making fun of me or thinks I’m an idiot. I said I was crazy and I am, but crazy doesn’t mean stupid. It doesn’t mean mentally ill, either. Crazy means the opposite of boring and predictable. That’s what my definition is. Einstein, da Vinci, Van Gogh, Michelangelo, Sun Ra, George Clinton…they were ALL crazy - but also brilliant.

That’s how I want to be thought of. We’re all going to die anyway, I want to burn out in action with all my creative cylinders firing, not rust out like 99% of everyone everywhere. I never thought this planet was my home, and soon enough it won’t be. If I waste my time being pissed off or complaining, it’ll be that much more painful. Piss on it, I’m in charge.

I know this is rambling and all over the place, but I really don’t care. After four years of writing my thoughts every single day, I finally feel like I’m starting to get a clue of what’s really important. I know I’m not a very good writer, and I don’t claim to be. I do this for a daily discipline, to force myself to at least make some effort to catalog my time on Earth.

If nobody reads it I’ll still keep doing it, especially after today. I feel like I’m peeling an onion and discovering a whole new side of my inner drive, passion and creativity. Getting rejected yesterday was actually a positive, in that I didn’t die from it and I’m dealing with it in a very logical and productive manner. It’s not personal, and I know I have something to offer as far as productivity goes. Crazy is not a bad thing, at least how I intend to use it.