Sunday July 1st, 2012 – Kenosha, WI
Today starts the second half of 2012, and once again it’s time to reshuffle the cards and rethink my entire life. I’ve already either blown most of the opportunities I’ve ever been given or gotten royally screwed in the luck department, but none of that matters. I’m alive (for now) and need to squeeze the most I can out of every single day. The rear view mirror needs to be covered over.
It’s so easy to get in a rut or focus on what has gone wrong. There have also been many things that have gone right, and those are what I can build on. The amputated fingers and toes I already lost won’t ever grow back, so wishing for them is wasted energy. I have to move ahead with my remaining digits, and like a cockroach hope I have enough left to scamper back under the fridge.
The cockroach is the ultimate survivor, and that’s what I’ve been my whole life. Unfortunately I’ve inflicted a lot of the damage on myself, but I’m still alive to talk about it and if nothing else I sure have learned a lot from my mistakes. If I ever do get my chance to shine in life – look out.
The only way that can ever happen is if I make it happen. I need to choose a path, and stick to a plan to get where I want to go. That’s been a definite weak spot, but if I can get it in gear at some point I’ll bet I’ll see some really spectacular results. All I need to do is get out of my own way.
It’s late in the game now, and there’s no more time for farting around. The tortoise was able to beat the hare because it knew what it wanted and followed through until the end result was made a reality. What is my desired end result? That’s what I have had trouble with. It’s been too fuzzy.
Deep down inside, I want to make a positive difference in the world – even though I have never felt like I fit in it. In order to do that, I have to get myself in a position of being free enough to be able to focus on taking the steps to get there. Struggling with my monthly nut is not how to do it.
I want to be a vibrant artistic creative type with a rabid fan base that supports what I do. I enjoy entertaining people and I love to be a mentor to others who want to be entertainers. That’s where I can contribute to the collective the most. All I’m asking is for a chance to fulfill my potential.
If I could achieve just one thing before I die, I would like a run being The King of Uranus. I’ve struggled until now to get it to where it is, and it’s still not where I want it. Any reason why it has transpired isn’t important, legit or not. If I had to chase just one dream that would definitely be it.
Who doesn’t want to be royalty? How fun it would be to play that character, and bring laughter to millions of struggling people who really need it. He doesn’t have to be a standup comedian per se, there are all kinds of options. There are way too many run of the mill nameless comedians but there’s only ONE King of Uranus. My inner voice is screaming at me to do it, and I’m listening.
I know it’s a crazy idea, but this whole planet is crazy. What’s the worst thing that will happen if I fail? Nobody will care and I’ll die in obscurity. I can deal with that, but I can’t deal with not giving it my best shot. I haven’t done that yet, but I’m making the conscious choice to do it now.
I took a long walk this morning and got lost in thought sorting all of this out. I stopped and got breakfast at a diner in town, and then walked some more. My doctor had recommended I start up a running program at some point, so I figured today would be the perfect day to do that. I haven’t ever been a runner, so I didn’t want to overdo it and hurt myself before I’d established a groove.
I waited until what’s usually the last leg of my walk, and attempted a slow jog which felt like a marathon through the Mojave Desert. I thought my heart was going to shoot out of my throat like a baseball out of a pitching machine, and I realized just how out of shape I really am. It’s a joke.
I’ve been walking regularly for the last year, but that’s not running and I totally felt it. I limped into the house with my tongue hanging out, and I felt a serious pain in my chest that captured my full attention. I don’t know if it was gas built up from what I ate, but I had a hard time breathing.
It didn’t feel like a heart attack, as I’ve read about how the pain goes down the left arm and all that. This wasn’t a sharp pain, but it was pain nonetheless. Maybe it was what my grandma used to refer to as a ‘fart caught crossways’ when describing my hypochondriac Aunt Charlene’s most recent perceived ailment. Whatever the case, this one brought me to my knees for a few minutes.
I was laying there in a sweaty heap on the floor wondering if this was the end. It wouldn’t have been how I would want to go, but who gets to choose? It would be a lot more peaceful to drift off to sleep one night and not wake up, but judging how the rest of my life has gone I don’t know if I can expect such an easy out. I’m prepared for something painful involving needles and catheters.
Whatever it is, it’s going to happen sooner than later. Even if I live to be 90, I’ve surpassed the halfway point and that’s one of the scariest thoughts I’ve had in a long time. I’m in the latter part of my life, not to mention the latter part of this year. The time for talking is over. It’s action time.
Why have I pissed away so much of my life with useless endeavors and futile pursuits? I have no acceptable answer and I’m ashamed of myself. I refuse to make excuses or blame anything on my past or my circumstances. Was my situation bad? Well, it wasn’t the greatest but I know I’m not the only one who has had to overcome obstacles. I have to play the hand of cards I was dealt.
That hand might have a few rotten cards in it, but it also has at least one ace. I’m crazy enough to try things, and this is something I am going to try if it’s the last time I ever roll the dice in life. I could have had my heart lock up like an engine without oil this morning and it could happen at any time in the future including tomorrow. I can’t control it, but I can control what I think about.
I want to be The King of Uranus, and I want that to include being the leader of a conglomerate of talented creative people who put out their best work under my encouragement and tutelage. If I have my way, I’ll be my own version of a creative figurehead like George Clinton or Sly Stone.
Martin Scorsese is another example. He has Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci in his circle, and they work together often and are a team. That’s what I want, and today is the day I make it a priority.
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