Jesus Loves WHO?

Tuesday February 27th, 2008 - Lake Villa, IL

I was in a pretty good mood today when I woke up but gradually throughout the day the tide turned and now I’m pretty surly. This is part of the deal with all of the ups and downs of show business and life but it’s never fun when it takes a downturn. It’s inevitable in the course of life so I guess I have to deal with it and shut my mouth. That isn’t always easy.

The first thing that set me off was finding out that my ex business partner in the comedy classes at Zanies didn’t pay Zanies their end of the take. Not only did he drain my portion dry but now I look like the ass with Zanies who has been my solid rock in comedy for my entire adult life. Hearing that set me off and I didn’t expect it at all. Now I have to fix it.

I sent the guy an email and he wrote back saying he didn’t know it bounced and it didn’t happen on purpose and he’d make payments when he could and blah blah blah. I am in an uncomfortable spot all around with this situation and like a clogged toilet when it unclogs it usually gets messy and disgusting. That’s how this whole thing is and it’s no fun at all.

Then I signed online and got an ‘invitation’ to attend a showcase show at the club up in Milwaukee that’s run by my nemesis who stole the money from the ‘benefit’ he did when I was in intensive care after my car accident. I won’t name the club or the ape who runs it just because I don’t want to waste typing strokes even naming that low life bottom feeder.

Normally I don’t even think about him but today was the wrong day to get the invite for the show being done by a guy I really went out of my way to help get started. He’s a radio guy who has a morning show at a Christian station in Rockford, IL. He wrote me a while back and asked if I would help him get started in comedy and I took time and helped him.

I try to help people out whenever I can. I really do. I think anyone with a heart does the same and I’m not looking for glory or accolades but many times people take advantage of someone who’s a giver. I’ve always been that and my grandfather always told me ‘You’re gonna get crapped on kid. You’ve got a heart.’ My killer instinct is now starting to grow.

This guy picked my brain for months and asked me to look over his material and help to get him ready to perform and like an idiot I did it. He seemed sincere and I helped him for free because he claimed to have no money because he was a ‘Christian’. Why are they the ones that usually screw you the worst? I’m sure there are good ones but I find the snakes.

My father went to church every time the doors opened and he was one of the most nasty life forms I’ve ever run across. My sister hasn’t talked to me in 15 years and the reason it all started was because I asked her for help when I had my car accident and she said she’d ‘pray for me’. I admit I lost it and got in her face and 15 years later she won’t forgive me.

I’ve tried to make it right with her and say I’m sorry and I am but doesn’t the Bible talk about forgiveness? I tried to settle it with the old man too and that never worked out any better. He went to his grave bitter and pompous and if he’s in heaven I don’t want to go.

All of this ugly mess swirled together as I looked at that mass email from Mr. Jesus DJ. He lives in a delusional world of insanity and I wish I didn’t believe that. I used to believe in God and Jesus and all that goes with it but the older I get the more I think it’s all crap.

I used to believe in the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny and Santa too and then I got a little older and found out it wasn’t real and it was crushing. Then I loved pro wrestling for a while and I found out that was all fake too and that was another low blow. Now I feel it about God and it hurts even more. I don’t know who or what to believe about any of it.

It would be wonderful if there was a benevolent God somewhere who looked at all our actions and at some point good would be rewarded and evil would be punished but it just doesn’t seem to work out that way. Believe me, I wish I knew it to be true but I think it’s a big scam passed down through the generations designed to drain money from the stupid.

If I had written or said that as a kid I probably would have expected a lightning bolt out of the sky to vaporize me from the planet but now I really do feel that way and I wish that I didn’t. Gramps thought it was all BS too and I remember how horrified I was to hear it.

Now I agree with him so that must mean I’m getting old. I still want to be good and do good and live a life of peace and not harm anyone or anything. I think there has to be one kind of higher power or another somewhere out there but right now on this day I’m sorry to say I just don’t feel it here in my immediate circle of being. That’s what set me off.

Here I went out of my way to help this goof because I was trying to be nice and after he bled me dry of information and help he just disappeared and I hadn’t heard from him in a LONG time. He was running all kinds of shows and do you think he’d ask me to perform on one of them? Just ONE? Nope. Never. He never even said thanks and just moved on.

And then he turns right around and goes to try and snuggle up to the Antichrist who has never done anything nice for me or any other comic. That just REALLY set me off and to get me that worked up about it says something. I’ve been pretty mellow for the most part lately. My life has always been a struggle but my way of handling it has gotten way better.

Today I had a relapse. I didn’t want to push the issue but I sent the guy an email and just told him to lose my number. I don’t wish him any bad but I won’t waste my time trying to be nice and help him out either. A lot of my students are that way too. They only call for a favor or to get me to pull a string, which stupidly I usually do. I have to toughen up a lot.

I’ve got other problems to worry about, like how to get Zanies paid off and that disaster cleaned up and out of the way. These are all things that nobody sees when the show goes on. And then people wonder why I go off on hecklers so strongly. Welcome to the jungle.

I wish I had faith in God and felt some love and hope and all that but I have to say it’s a pipedream at this point. I still don’t know how any God could make such a beautiful place like Earth and fill it with so many imbeciles and scumbags. I’m still working on that idea.