What Do I Do Now?

Sunday February 17th, 2008 - Milwaukee, WI/Lake Villa, IL

Michael Jordan turned 45 today. I know that because he was born the same year as me. I also know it because my grandmother’s birthday was February 17th. At his height of fame I would always hear on the radio it was his birthday so I remember it even today. It’s also the one year anniversary of my father’s death. I wonder what all of these numbers mean?

Whatever it might mean it didn’t stop me from having all kinds of thoughts fly through my head today. I thought about how fast the year has flown by since the old man croaked. I feel absolutely nothing emotionally right now. I have no regrets that he’s gone but I also think it was all a big waste of time with no payoff in the end. He’s gone and I’m still here.

It would be great to think he’s ‘up there’ somewhere looking down and asking angels to keep watch over me but in reality I don’t think any of that is going on. If there’s a hell and he isn’t in it then I’m even more confused than I thought I was. I have no idea why any of this had to happen and if I’m supposed to learn from it I can’t figure out what it might be.

That’s what I was thinking about much of today and I came up short of answers. Why is any of life the way it is? Who the hell knows? My grandmother would have been 97 today but I’m glad she’s not here. She died at 93 and she had had enough then. She had a life of torture herself and was very cold and unemotional and in the end she died sad and in pain.

She was the one who raised me and was very hard on me because she didn’t want me to turn out like her own son - an underachiever and a loser. I remember once I brought home a report card and I went down in one subject from an A+ to an A and that’s all she said at the time. ‘You went down a notch. What happened?’ Nothing about the good stuff at all.

There are a lot more people than I thought that can relate to stuff like this. As I get older I meet people who are still struggling from their childhood nightmares and it won’t end. It amazes me how an aside like that can still sting thirty years later even though the one that said it has been dead for years. I know I need to let it go and I try but it still smarts a little.

I just want to know what any of it meant. Grandma was a tortured soul and died in a sad lonely way after a long illness being watched after by her two sons who only wanted to be near her for the money. Then the oldest son got it and never did anything with it and now he’s dead too. His brother is going down the same path and none of them ever found love.

I’m looking for it too I guess but I sure chose a different path to travel to search for it. It has been a brutal struggle for a lifetime to keep trying to break that chain of ignorance and squalor and unhappiness but I think I’ve done ok. Considering where I came from I am no less than a walking miracle and many times I forget that fact. I’ve carved out my own life.

But again, what was any of it for? I’ll be 45 next month myself and the youthful energy I once had bouncing off the walls is slowly leaving. I can feel middle age creeping up on me and now I feel like it’s a race against the clock but who am I racing? What do I win?

I thought about that as I got in my car this morning and drove up to West Allis, WI for a sports card show at Gonzaga Hall. I am now back in the card business because I enjoy it. I don’t think I need any other reason than that and I’m not looking for one. It’s fun and I’ve learned to appreciate that in life if nothing else. While we’re here we all should have fun.

My father and grandmother never had that word in their vocabulary. They were salty for their whole lives and died lonely and now nobody really misses them. Nobody might miss me either when I bite it but at least I’ll have had some fun along the way. I already have. I have always made fun and adventure a priority and looking back I’m thrilled that I did it.

The weather was horrendous today and there was ice and sleet everywhere. That meant the card show attendance was way down and it was as sparse as I’ve ever seen it. I did see my old friend Ray Gunderson who I’ve known for many years. He had a card shop over in West Allis and he was very much a father figure to me until he ended up closing the store.

We visited for a while and it was great to see him. He was always a wheeler dealer and I learned a lot from him about spinning collectibles. He and I visited and relived a bunch of fun times we had over the years and it was fun all over again to think about it all. The old man and I never did anything together fun or not. Ray’s been much more of a dad figure.

A lot of the dealers were willing to deal because of the weather and I ended up spending all the money I made this past weekend on old cards. Actually I didn’t spend it I invested it. It’s my plan to repackage them and either sell them on EBay or trade them for stuff that I really want or set up at card shows myself in the future. No matter what, it was all FUN.

I got a great deal on some ‘56 Topps baseball cards and they’re gorgeous. That stuff has gotten very difficult to find and like a blue chip stock you can always sell it for at least the price you paid for it. I’m not worried about losing money on these and they’ll be great for a while just to look at and sort and enjoy. I don’t care if it’s smart or not I did it anyway.

Supposedly the economy is ready to explode and they have new money ready to go for a one world government and the aliens are in charge and they’re going to install microchips in all of our skulls and watch us like rats in a lab. So why can’t I enjoy some sports cards? I don‘t know who to believe anymore but it sure isn‘t my family. They never hit pay dirt.

I’m really not worried about very much at this point including death. I’ve lived a life of my own choosing and even though I’ve made many mistakes I took responsibility for all of them and tried to make them right with those I wronged. Many of them didn’t accept a sincere apology but that’s not my fault. I can honestly say I did the very best that I could.

But what now? What do I do with the rest of my life? Is there a reason I’m still here for a while longer or is it all random? Innocent people got shot in many incidents recently but I am still here to plug along. Am I innocent? I’m not trying to claim that but I do sincerely try to live a good life and make an effort to make the world a better place than when I got here. I think I have at least a little. Now what’s ahead for both Michael Jordan and me?