Nine...

Monday March 2nd, 2009 - Chicago, IL

Nine days away from the taping date and I’m plowing through my dark patch doing the things I need to do. I couldn’t go to sleep last night so I watched a couple of episodes of my favorite light hearted feel good prison romp ‘Oz’ from HBO. I enjoy that show a lot.

It’s well written, well acted and well produced too. I wanted to escape the darkness for a little while but unfortunately today it was still here. I went to bed around 6am and that’s also part of the clue I’m having one of my dark funks again. It screws up my sleep times.

I also had some disturbing dreams and that’s another sign too. All the ingredients are in place and I’ve experienced all this before so I know I have to do things I don’t want to for a little while until it passes. Thankfully it always seems to pass. When I’m in it it’s horrid but then it goes away and not only do I feel better, I always have a creative surge. Always.

It sure sucks the bottom of a plunger when it’s happening though and that’s right now. I crawled out of bed at 10:20 and forced myself to get dressed and go straight to the Gurnee Mills Mall to start walking and get some exercise. Laying around won’t do me any good.

Not only did I walk the mall I took THREE laps. That’s something I’ve never ever done before no matter how I was feeling and it felt good to do something I knew was difficult. I was sore and sweating when I finished but I felt like I accomplished something. After that I went to the old Golden Corral to pack some vegetables down the pipe. I needed it badly.

No sodas. No fried foods. No fun. But at least I made an effort to keep working through this and not just lay down and shrivel up even though that’s what I totally felt like doing. I know nobody else really cares how I’m feeling so the right thing to do is just suck it up.

Another thing I didn’t want to do was go to Zanies tonight but I know I needed to and I did. Not only did I need the money I also needed to go through my set in front of a crowd. It was kind of awkward since I was the host but halfway through the show Bert Haas gave me a slot to run through it and I did. It felt strange but I got the lines out and didn’t falter.

Some lines got better laughs than others but at least I did it. I won’t come close to doing it eighty times like Jerry Seinfeld allegedly did before his first TV shot but at least I’ll get a few shots this week. I’ll try to go up as many times as humanly possible and work it out.

I didn’t tell anyone at the club I was in a rut. Who wants to hear that? I don’t. I strapped on a smile and tried to be friendly and nobody noticed I really didn’t want to be there. It’s a bitch going through this and there aren’t many people I can discuss it with so rather than bore or frighten someone who doesn’t get it I think it’s best to shut up and cover it up.

It doesn’t hide the fact that it’s still there though. I am not ‘all better now’ just because I exercised and ate ok and went over my TV set in front of a crowd. Those are things I need to be doing no matter how I feel. It’s just a lot tougher now. This is a hell of a challenge.