Saturday March 12th, 2011 - Fox Lake, IL What would make me happy? I used to think I knew, but that wasn’t even close to what I think now. I used to want show business success, but for all the wrong reasons. I still do want to succeed, but now on a different level and for different reasons. I have evolved. The trick now is to not let the past consume me or the future overwhelm me like I think it may have done in the past. I’m never going to be able to live the dreams I had years ago and that’s just how it is. Whatever ships that already sailed aren’t coming back to get me. From this day with the circumstances I’m in, what would be the smartest plan to get my life to a place I truly want it to be? The first thing is, make a plan. I’m doing that little by little by making connections with people who I’ll hopefully have to answer to. Julie Carey came out of the blue, but I put the vibe out there I needed someone and she showed up. I’m a big believer in vibes, even though I have no idea how to define it other than a raw energy someone emits that causes a feeling of reaction. Some of us emit positive ones and others don’t. I know I often rub people the wrong way at first, but they come to really like me in time. Others never do, and just think I’m a flaming wanker. I don’t worry about it. I never have. I’ve always wanted to just ignore people I clash with, and not have to talk to them and waste everyone’s time. I don’t wish bad on them, I just want them to live life somewhere ELSE. I don’t care if that’s Zanesville, OH or Zanzibar - get out of my sight. There are several people I’ve chosen to eliminate from my life, and quite frankly I don’t miss a one of them. I’ve got my own life to live filled with my own problems and having people I clash with out of the way makes things less complicated in my mind. I’m terrible at faking like I like somebody when I don’t, and I realize not everybody likes me either. Unfortunately, I had to work with one of those people at my show last night. It’s a long story I won’t revisit, but that person said some things in a condescending way exactly like my father would have, and I wanted no part of those words, or him in general. No biggie. Then, I found out I had to work with the guy and my heart sank. Why do I have to be in the same room with that knob shine? If I was the headliner, I should have had the clout to work with anyone I wanted. The booker Harry Hickstein is also a comic and a sweetheart of a guy and didn’t want to make any waves and fire the guy. So who has to live with it? Why me? If it was the other way around, and it has been, I’d get fired without the hint of a second thought. Too bad. So sad. Sucks to be me. Now that I’ve got a little bit of clout, I guess it doesn’t mean anything. I guess I could have no showed, but that’s not my style. I’m way too ‘nice’. Well, nice SUCKS, and Leo Durocher was right - we do finish last. I don’t want to be a mean bastard, but sometimes that’s the only answer and it’s a matter of survival .I’d much rather have a win/win than try to vanquish someone I can’t stand. Unfortunately, that’s how it often works in return. Some people are incredibly insecure, and will stop at nothing to squash anyone close to being thought of as a potential rival or competition in any way. I’m sick of playing that game, but in show business it’s constant. Why the hell am I even here on this planet? Supposedly we Pisces are the ‘old souls’ of the world and have the most experience, if indeed any of astrology is true. Maybe I clash when dealing with others who are working on different things. I have no solid answers. I really don’t want to squash anyone. I’m all about live and let live, but some people are just bung holes and I don’t want them to live near me. Is that too much to ask? My sister and I have clashed our whole lives, and she has chosen to not speak to me for going on 18 years now. I’ve tried to make peace with her, but she refuses to accept or acknowledge it. What else can I do? Move on and try to let it go. Sibling relationships are supposed to be deeper than business ones, so why can’t people understand it when I ignore them and just want to be left alone to get by on my own merits? I don’t know, but apparently they don’t. I always look at it as a numbers game. Out of 300 MILLION living here in America and 6 BILLION world wide, why would I have to spend time with even ONE idiot I don’t like or respect? There are way too many people I haven’t met yet, not to mention the ones I’ve already bonded with and get along with splendidly. I don’t need to waste time with idiots. I regret even spending as much typing time dealing with it as I just did, but I want to get it out there, so it doesn’t sit and fester inside. I know I’m not important, and people aren’t required to hire me as a comedian or even talk to me. I know that, and it keeps everything in perspective. I don’t want wars or clashes with anyone, but that’s totally unrealistic. I’m not one to think I’m right all time, and will always admit when I screw up. I do not nor ever have expected anyone to be perfect, I just happen to feel bad vibes from various individuals from time to time, and over the years I’ve found out that feeling is accurate. All that being said, that’s just how life works. The guy I had to work with last night did not come near me, as I asked the booker to make sure he not do. We got along fine and it didn’t re-escalate. I still don’t know why I had to be in the same room with the guy, but I guess there was a lesson I had to learn. I wasn’t mean, but it was quite uncomfortable. This is all part of being a dented can. There are all kinds of deep seeded quirks that get tweaked by people in life. If mommy and daddy weren’t there, how can I expect a random stranger to treat me well? And for all I know, these people are dented cans worse than me. It’s only now that I can begin to comprehend the other people’s situation. That’s growth. I’m still loaded with faults and defects and shortcomings, but dammit I’m getting better all the time. Those that don’t like me can go piss up a rain gutter. I don’t care. I’m a nice person, and do a lot to help others. If you’re too stupid to see that, that’s not on me. I have enough things to work on keeping my own life on the road. Life on this planet is difficult.
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