Friday March 11th, 2011 - Toluca, IL I get the message loud and clear - it‘s time to find something else to do to make a living. I’ve always said when standup comedy is no longer fun, I’ll stop doing it. My grandfather said a similar thing about smoking, but he used the price per pack of cigarettes as criteria. “When they hit a buck a pack, I’ll quit,” he’d say. Of course when it did he didn’t, and he’d say it about the next price break and it went on for years. My grandmother got in his face and wouldn’t let him forget, and it became a running joke. He was a smoker. Period. What ended up making him actually give them up was a heart bypass operation. He quit overnight, cold turkey. He said it was miserable, because he enjoyed smoking and all that went with it. It was a popular habit of his generation, and wasn‘t frowned on like today. I am heading toward my own disaster if I don’t stop taking comedy gigs in non comedy venues. I’m hesitant to say stop standup comedy altogether, because it can be great fun in the right situation. But those situations are getting fewer and farther between. I need a gig that pays the bills, and let comedy serve as a hobby or fill in when I’ve got some time off. The reason I’m so miserable is, this just isn’t fun anymore. All the minutia it takes to be booked for a gig, physically get there, have to play chair and whip with drunks in difficult circumstances and then driving home or worse yet going to a sleazy motel isn’t worth the pittance of money that comes back in return. It used to be fun, now it’s just a big hassle. Thanks to the ships, which weren’t fun either, I do have a few bucks put aside to bridge a small gap between getting something else going to help put some more money away and maybe get to enjoy life for a while. The grind of these small time one nighters is torture. I’ve been doing this for so long, every possible thing that can go wrong has - and it gets old. Every babbling drunk that talks through a show thinks he (or worse, she) is the center of the universe, and I have to shut that person up with well worn heckler lines said over a fifth rate sound system which used to be used for calling bingo games during prohibition. The process used to be a challenge, or at least I was duped into thinking it would maybe lead to somewhere better. It doesn’t. About all it does is offer stage time, but not a quality place to hone one’s craft. It would be like taking a dance lesson and having some drunken slob try to cut in on your partner halfway through the song. How will that help anyone? Steven Spielberg isn’t going to be in Toluca, IL looking for comedic talent to star in his next blockbuster film about the entertainment business, either. Most times, it’s just some random drunks who’d get loaded at some bar whether there happens to be a show or not. The people who run these shows aren’t entertainment people. They’re looking for ways to get new people in their joint so they can sell liquor, and maybe throw a piece of fish or steak down their throat too. Most are not comedy lovers, and we’re just being exploited. Then, there’s the money. On paper, it looks like a pretty sweet payday to stand up there and tell jokes for under an hour. But figure out how many phone calls it took to get a guy on the phone to book it, how long it took to drive there, how much gas was used, and the profit margin shrinks like male genitals in a cold swimming pool. It’s just not worth it. Not for me anyway. Not anymore. I’ve learned how to hobo a living for myself for years doing these gigs on various levels, but that time has to end soon. I’m tired, and even if the owners are thrilled - I no longer care. Quite frankly, they’re very lucky to get somebody of my experience and ability to work in some hell hole town off the beaten path. I’m past it. That sounds cocky and pompous, but it’s fact. There comes a time to stop doing certain things, and this is it for me. I used to do it for the experience, which I have plenty of now. Then I did it for the money, which I’ve got enough of at least for now. Other than both of those, what other reason would I have to say yes other than the sheer fun of performing? Don’t get me wrong, everything about the show tonight went very well. The people who owned the Italian restaurant were absolutely wonderful, as was the staff. The actual show was booked by Harry Hickstein, a genuinely nice man who has a heart of solid gold. He’s been a huge supporter of mine, and always tries to get me in at the various gigs he books. It’s flattering to be wanted, and I truly appreciate it. BUT - the actual gig was not fun at all. There was a tiny stage with a horrible sound system that fed back to the point of being a distraction. The lights in the room were restaurant lights, and I had a ceiling fan right in front of my face so I couldn’t see much of the audience. The conditions were atrocious. Then, of course some table of drunks right in front had to start up talking right during a punch line, and threw my timing way off. I couldn’t be mean, because they were pillars of the town, and important people to the restaurant. They needed to be bounced, but I wasn’t the one to do it, and the restaurant sure wasn’t going to do it. I had to bear the brunt of it. I’m just too old for this kind of rinky dink politics. If someone wants a show, I’ll try my damndest to give them a great one - but I need the right tools to do it. Give me the proper stage, well lit with a kick ass sound system. Then we can talk. If someone gets loud, they need to be launched. Now. No warnings, toss their boozed up carcasses out immediately. Then, there’s the ‘free’ meal. That’s always tricky. They’ll give you a meal, but it’s the proper thing to leave a nice tip to the server. OK, fine. Still, that ends up to costing close to what the actual meal would have been, so it’s never really ‘free’. It all adds up, and the bottom line shrinks even more. By the end of the night, it’s usually lucky to break even. I did get a chance to work with fellow Jerry’s Kidder Tim Slagle. He took the gig to get to hang with me, and I’m unbelievably flattered he did that. He is also a road warrior and knows of everything I just mentioned. His act is very smart, and he had to struggle to get their attention too. The one thing that came out of it is that he made some suggestions for the ‘Schlitz Happened!’ show which were fantastic. I’ll take that as the reason I came.
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