Lancing A Human Boil

Wednesday May 13th, 2009 - Lake Villa, IL

I don’t know why so many of my non comedian friends ask me about the late night TV talk shows but they do. What do I think of Jimmy Fallon? Will Jay Leno be able to make it in prime time? How long will Letterman keep doing it? I’m the last guy who’d know.

In truth I don’t really watch any of the shows unless I’m flicking through the channels at some hotel after a show looking for Sports Center. Once in a while I’ll watch if a friend is performing but that’s about it. For whatever reason those shows don’t really entertain me.

I have nothing against any of them and I used to love Johnny Carson and even Merv but that was mainly because those shows featured comedians regularly. There weren’t all that many shows either so most of them were able to get the huge guests. It’s not like that now and I don’t have time to sit and listen to some bubblehead I don’t know plug a bad movie.

Speaking of bubbleheads I’ve got one crawling up my ass of late trying to get me to put a word in for him with Bert Haas at Zanies. He’s a former student who I have gone out of my way to help many times in the past and then when I do offer any insights or advice he ignores it all. Then he’s angry that Bert won’t return his emails so then he bitches to me.

This is one of the few downsides to teaching the classes. For all the great people I meet there are those few mosquitoes who tend to annoy me so much it makes me almost forget about the winners I meet. It’s a test in human relations skills and also a patience drill too. I try to be friendly and encouraging and uplifting but after a while I can’t take it anymore.

I’m to that point with this guy and it’s taken years to get there. He bawled me out about “not taking FIVE minutes to watch my tape“. OK, that does make me look like an ass but I’ve had over 1000 students over the years and at any one time I have several who contact me asking for ‘five minutes’. Those blocks of time add up and before long I’m swamped.

I really do have to learn to say NO but that’s always been difficult for me. I have a heart and I enjoy helping people but I feel like I’m being taken advantage of by people like this. I sent him an email telling him he’s never ONCE offered to pay for my time to look at his tape and the times I did he did exactly the opposite of what I told him. He’s so off my list.

The whole exchange left a bad taste in my mouth because I really did try to help the guy out over the years. He seemed sincere but looking back on it he was a pain in the ass most of the time and he thought he was WAY better than he is. Then he trashed Bert Haas with all his energy and sent me nasty emails wishing Bert to rot in hell. Those were a red flag.

Now I’m sure he wishes me in hell and that’s fine. Actually I think I’m already there so his wish came true. I know he’s probably trashing my name around the open mikes and he can go ahead and do that too. I’m not going to apologize for what I did or said because he was the one who didn’t listen. I told him the right things to do and now I’m finished with it all. I’m not going to take abuse from a guy like that. Watch, he’ll get his own talk show.