Apples And Worms

Friday December 21st, 2007 - Lake Villa, IL

Sometimes my life feels like a giant revolving apple with a worm in it. When the shining part is showing I am bullet proof. I can handle any situation and obstacle and nothing gets in my way. When the wormy part is showing I feel like my life has been a waste of time. It keeps turning and eventually that wormy part comes back around. Usually it’s about now.

I’m really fighting hard to not slip into a funk right now. December has been packed full of ugly memories throughout my life and sometimes one little reminder can set it all off. It could come from a commercial on TV with a Christmas theme or maybe a picture in an ad with something that trips a mental trigger but I always have to fight the funk at Christmas.

It’s funny in a way because it’s IMPOSSIBLE to avoid seeing it. I can imagine Jews and Muslims and anyone else who doesn’t believe in Christmas has to play along and roll with it but in my case it has a load of ugly memories attached. Every year I try to survive all the head triggers and every year it starts earlier and earlier. It’s a torture that returns annually.

When I was a kid one of my first Christmas memories was my old man having his greasy bunch of biker maggots over at the house. I was there with my grandparents visiting and it was not fun at all. It was smoky and the bikers were drinking and one of them ended up at the throat of his old lady with a knife accusing her of cheating on him. What a truly joyous and special yuletide memory. What’s real Christmas without a nice drunken biker knifing?

My grandfather died December 22nd of my senior year in high school. He was the light in my life and also kept peace in the family while he was alive. When he died it all went down the toilet quickly thereafter and needless to say that year’s Christmas wasn’t very cheery. I still remember walking into the hospice five minutes after he died. I knew peace was dead.

I also remember years later that the infamous bank robbery happened in December and it turned out to be a nightmare for years to come as that whole ugly scenario played out. It’s a memory that was a double whammy because years later I ended up testifying against my lifelong best friend and the preparation for that was all through December. It doesn’t quit.

Oh, and it doesn’t help that we got fired from the Loop on December 17th of 2004. That one still stings and there was no real reason for it other than some halfwit wanted to make a change. He didn’t realize that he was affecting the lives of all of us and didn’t care. He’s still got a job even though the station is in the dumper and a shell of what it once was and I’m sure he never thought about it twice after he torched us a week before Christmas. This kind of thing just sits there and stews but nobody cares other than we who had to face it.

These are things that are all part of the wormy side of my apple. When that side revolves around and shows itself it really plays with my head. If I was a drinker I’d be gassed out of my skull and if I was a druggie I’d be higher than gas prices in July. But I’m not. I’m stuck trying to just live through another Christmas and make it to a fresh start in a new year. It’s been the same story most years and I really am getting sick of the whole game. It’s tiring.

What set me off today was getting a call from my friend Max in Springfield. We both are dented cans and hate this time of year because of past memories that won’t go away. He’s struggling with it just like I am and he also is still struggling from getting fired at the Loop just like I did. We have a lot in common and I love him but I wish he wouldn’t have called. Not today anyway. He was feeling down and he calls me when that happens and I listened.

His mother and he don’t get along well and she’s trying to get back in his life. She wants to see him and his family for Christmas and he wants no part of it. She wrote him and tried to invite herself over and now Max is the one feeling guilty. He is trying to do the best for his kids and I respect the hell out of him for doing that and we talked about it for an hour.

I can relate to all of that malignant family tripe and it’s never fun. It’s not fun to live it or hear about it or think about it. I love Max but him talking about his troubles made me sink into a mental place I didn’t want to be and I went off on a verbal tirade for several minutes which left Max laughing so hard he could barely breathe. He felt great and I felt horrible.

My ugly side of the apple was out and the worm was wiggling and I didn’t like it at all. I can feel an actual physical change when I get in a mood like that and it’s not pleasant to be in that space. I feel like I just took a shower and have to put on a pair of old underwear. It repulses me and I don’t want to go back there again. I want to throw that underwear out.

Today is the shortest day of the year - the winter equinox. There is more darkness today than any other day in the year and in theory it all gets better from here. It’s only a little bit but tomorrow there’s more sunshine than today. Then the day after that it’s even more. It may not be noticeable at first but soon it will be spring and the sun will stay out and then it will be summer and daylight saving will be back and all the snow and ice will be melted.

I wish the ice and snow in my life would melt away for good and all this would be over. If I’m supposed to learn a lesson from any of this I haven’t a clue as to what that is. I am trying to live a good life and use whatever talents I was blessed with to help people have a better day in their own lives. I just want to entertain people and help them through this life that can be so difficult. I love to hear the laughs and at times like this I need to hear them.

Tomorrow night I have a gig in a bowling alley in LaSalle/Peru, IL. I’m not sure if it’s in LaSalle or Peru per se but that’s how the towns are advertised. You get both for the price of one. Whatever it is those people are going to get a hell of a show I can guarantee that.

The future actually looks bright and I am excited to be working toward my new dream but today and this time of year have been a speed bump. I know I need to just shake it off and focus on the good things but that’s not always as easy to do as it is to think about. It’s my own personal hell but I don’t want to go there anymore. I want life to be about FUN.

It’s fun to be a comedian when it’s going right. It’s fun to be the King of Uranus even if I haven’t sold one thing yet. I had fun planning it and I will keep doing exactly that until it becomes real. I want next Christmas to be the best one I’ve ever had. That won’t be hard.