A Dream Christmas

Monday December 24th, 2007 - Lake Villa, IL

What a fantastic Christmas this was! I think it was the best EVER. My wife woke me up early because the store called and they ended up getting the bike my son wanted after all. I hopped out of bed and my heart raced because I know how much he wants this particular one and we couldn’t find it anywhere. This will make his year when he lays his eyes on it.

My daughter is very easy to shop for. She’s a great kid and I think she just loves the part where she gets to rip open a package. She doesn’t really care what’s in it but we took a lot of time this year and got her everything we could find that had to do with Hanna Montana that she didn’t already have and I was shocked to find out how much that actually was but it’s Christmas so we got it for her and wrapped it all up along with a bunch of gag gifts.

Gag gifts are the favorite part of our Christmases because we wrap them to look like the real thing. Nobody knows what they’ll get when there’s a present under the tree with your name on it and that’s part of the fun. Sometimes a big pretty box will have some really old piece of junk inside but it keeps everybody on their toes. Plus it’s all in fun so we love it.

My wife’s mom came over today and watched the kids while my wife and I went to pick up the bike and finish the rest of the last minute shopping. When we got home there was a fantastic home made lunch waiting for us and we sat down and ate and had a lot of laughs.

Then the kids got dressed and we took them to the old folks home for the concert we do every year. The kids love it and the seniors love it and it’s part of what true Christmas is. I look forward to it every year almost as much as I look forward to going to the hospital for the benefit show we have been doing there for so many years. That’s been a tradition too.

We had a wonderful family dinner and this year it was at our house. My wife’s mom and dad were there with her brothers and my mom showed up with her famous rum balls. I had some even though I don’t drink and they were fantastic. My brothers Larry and Bruce and my sister Tammy and her husband all came at the same time and they were on time for the first time anyone could remember. One of the gag gifts we got them was a cuckoo clock.

Our meal couldn’t have been any better and we had laughs and fun and everyone ate the things they liked and nobody had to eat any broccoli or liver. Everyone was full but then it was time for present opening. My son went nuts when he saw his bike and he rode it in the house and eventually outside in the snow. My daughter loved her stuff too and we all were thankful for the fact we had each other and how lucky we all were to enjoy so much fun.

OK, who the hell am I kidding? I made all of that up. I’ve NEVER had a Christmas like that and as much as I would love it I doubt if I ever will. I wrote some fiction for the first time just because it was way too painful sitting around today trying not to hang myself out in the back yard so my roommate wouldn’t have a mess to clean up in the house. This has been one of the saddest and loneliest Christmases I’ve ever had and I’ve had a lot of them. I am in a funk and I can feel the dark clouds thickening. I will be glad when it’s all over.

I don’t think it will ever be over though. Not in this lifetime. I could tell as a kid that the world I was living in was not a match for the one that was in my head. As I get older I’ve read where we all pick our families and circumstances before we are even born and I can’t believe that I would have picked the situation I got unless I was tripping on some bad acid or drunk out of my mind on grain alcohol. If there is a lesson I am to learn I’m missing it.

Nobody has a Leave It To Beaver Life but why the hell not? What is it about this planet that life has to be this way? I’m sorry to say but I for one am not satisfied with how God is handling things on His end. His quality control is WAY down and most of the people here are the equivalent of Ford Pintos and AMC Gremlins. There are a lot of leakers out there.

I really do believe the majority of people on this planet are completely stupid and do not have a clue as to where their lives are headed or what they are going to do. America has a precious freedom that should allow greatness to blossom everywhere and yet we have lots of people who in my opinion should be carved up and used as shark food at a major zoo.

What keeps me going is that there are a lot of fantastic people in the world too. I do not claim to know what the ratio is of idiots to good people but the good ones sure seem to be a minority from what I’ve seen. But they make it worth the search and I find myself having a great list of friends I’ve acquired over the years and it’s them that keep me from taking a bullet. I know they’re slugging it out in their own lives and I respect them totally. If I have any chance to help any of them at all I surely would. I know they’d do it for me as well.

One of the things I lost with my old computer was my master list of contacts that I have been working on in the last few weeks. There were some wonderful people on there that I hadn’t contacted in a while and I’m SO thankful that I sent all those cards out like I did. If I hadn’t I may have lost contact with many of those people forever. This is all really weird.

Why did I send all those cards out to people I hadn’t contacted in a while? I don’t know but I did. Now a week later I lose my computer with all of their addresses on it. Isn’t that kind of odd? It sure seems that way to me and again I have no idea what any of this means or if it means anything at all. At this point in my life I am just trying to get through today.

It would be SO great to have just ONE Christmas like I described. I would love to have a wonderful wife and some kids that have had some love so I can watch them grow into an adult and blossom and be surrounded by fun. That’s the main ingredient that was missing from most of my family and it’s what’s missing from a lot of people’s lives. Life should be FUN in my opinion and I have tried to spread it in my life but I see I’ve fallen way short.

I’m a wackadoo in many ways and I know that but I’m also a tough bastard too. All the best creative people have that wacked out side and I think there probably can’t be any real creativity without it. I know this is never going to be a perfect world but a little hope or an encouraging sign would be very much appreciated right now. I feel like nobody feels all of the pain I feel or hears my crying out for just a little justice once in a while. Christmas isn’t a time to be sad but neither is the rest of life. I am going to keep trying to bring some fun.