Another Great One

Thursday March 13th, 2008 - Chicago, IL

The hits just keep on comin’. I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I can barely type. Today was another fantastic day but I’m having a hard time putting into words how much it means to me. For the first time in my life I can feel that there are people who like me.

That sounds strange even to me but it’s true. I always knew there were people who liked me but I couldn’t feel it. I was either totally numb or in pain from the childhood insanities I’ve been trying to overcome my whole life and for whatever reason I couldn‘t feel happy.

Now I’m getting older and a lot of things are opening up I’ve never felt before. I know I am not the angry young man I once was and that’s a good thing for everybody. I am in my best groove and it’s getting better all the time in many ways. I’m starting to find my stride in life but I can also feel my mortality. This has been a while coming. I am in my prime.

That could end in ten years or ten minutes but for now I can feel that this is as good as it will ever get. I’m a tulip in bloom and I hope someone takes a second to at least look over in my direction and enjoy it before I get chopped up and made into mulch or fade away.

I’ve been beaten up a lot and for whatever reason I’m still here. By all odds I shouldn’t be alive but I overcame them when nobody thought I would. I have a lot of pain and scars but I also have a lot of things I’m very proud of and I feel like it’s just now that I’m ready to start experiencing what life and love and adventure are all about. I feel like I’m mature.

Today was one more positive thing after the next. First I got a call from Shelley my new web person telling me that she FINALLY got the passwords she needed from the old guy who hadn’t been returning her emails. This whole situation has been nothing but pain and I am not good at dealing with stuff like this. She has been great and that was good news.

Knowing that ugly situation is going to be in the past soon cheered me up unbelievably. I feel bad it had to happen but that was his choice and he’s got his own problems. Then it bled into my life too and that wasn’t fair but who ever said life was fair? I never heard it.

Then I went to have lunch with Marc Schultz and Chuck Field. Chuck is a ventriloquist who took my comedy class many years ago and he’s the one who introduced me to Marc. Marc and I have become great friends and Chuck was the one who introduced us but they both wanted to buy me a birthday lunch and that just made my whole soul feel very good.

Things like this may be taken for granted by many but never by me. I never got a chance to be a kid because of all the ugliness and dysfunction and insanity when I was that age so now just having a lunch with my friends to celebrate my birthday made my whole week.

I felt like I was 9 and had free reign of Chuck E. Cheese. I didn’t get it then but today I sure felt like I was the king of the world. That food tasted better than filet mignon and to feel that feeling of being appreciated and thought of washed through me like an enema.

I have always tried to make others feel that way but I never really knew if I was able to get through to anyone. My sensors have been scorched and sometimes people would say or do nice things for me but I always felt like the kicked dog. Now I feel like a teddy bear.

Shelley really is trying to do something nice for me and I can feel it. I also felt the good vibes from Marc and Chuck too. They were glad to take me out and make a big deal for a friend just like I’ve done for them over the years. Getting it back feels SOOOOOO good.

After lunch I headed down and picked up Jerry Agar at WLS. He invited me over to his house for dinner and then to see his son Tanner in a production of The Wiz at his school. I always appreciate Jerry’s family and they too have been wonderful to me over the years but most of the time I’ve been in so much pain I couldn’t feel it. Today I could feel it.

We had a wonderful dinner and were getting ready to leave when out came a surprise birthday chocolate pie with a candle in it. I was totally not expecting it and it sent a chill through my whole body. I’ve had birthday cakes before and dinners before but for some reason this one was extra special. I really felt I was part of a family and it‘s new to me.

Tanner had a small part in the play because he’s got so much other stuff going on but it was still great to see him and I watched all the hot chicks gather around him like he was a big star and he totally is in that environment. I’m happy for him but I can’t relate at all.

That whole scenario wasn’t anything like when I was that age but that’s how I pictured it back then. Tanner is now living it and I’m thrilled for him. What was amazing was that he left all those girls when he saw that I was there and came over to thank me for coming.

I had to hold back tears and emotion backed up like a clogged toilet. I have known this kid since the day he was born and now he’s growing up into a young man and I feel that I have meant something in his life. I could tell by the look in his eye and I never felt it quite like that before. He’s a great kid and will be a huge success but I can see he respects me.

I don’t know why it took this long for me to start feeling these things but I totally did all day. I got a stack of emails from people who remembered it was my birthday week and it doesn’t have to be on the exact day to still make me feel appreciated and very flattered.

My friend Mark Krueger called out of the blue and told me he and his wife Amy loved my show a few weeks ago and just wanted to say hi. Wow, what a nice thing to hear. I’m also thrilled that I got a fantastic email from a woman I went out with recently and would love to see again. She remembered my birthday and reading that email again touched me.

I’m a nut. A kook. A wackadoo. A goof. A dented can. I’m doing my best with the hand of cards life dealt me and it hasn’t always been easy. I’ve made mistakes I regret and tried to make up for them usually with no success. But those things don’t rule my life. I’m able to feel the positive things now and I’ve never been able to do that before. I’m not afraid at all of failure or being broke or even death. I feel like I am ready to tackle a big adventure.