Fifteen Years Later

Friday March 21st, 2008 - Lake Villa, IL

Fifteen years ago today I was nearly killed in a car accident on my way home from a gig in Antigo, WI. I was driving a Mustang convertible and it flipped upside down and would have decapitated me had I been wearing my seatbelt. I’d just removed it only a few blocks earlier so I could reach my jacket on the back seat. Leaving it off is what saved my life.

That’s all I could think about all day today. There was a big snowstorm that crippled the whole area and that’s what everyone else was talking about but I kept replaying that scene in my head over and over again like it was yesterday. It’s etched in my memory like a seer mark on a steak and that one single event has changed my life more than anything else.

I’d just turned 30 the week before and that’s when life is supposed to begin. Did it ever. One second I was thinking about what I was going to have to eat when I got home and the next I was grasping at life not sure if I’d see another sunrise. I sure didn’t expect that. The doctors, the police officer at the scene and everyone else told me how lucky I was to live.

I really was lucky to have lived through that. I’ll spare the grisly details but I missed out on a lot of horrible injuries by a fraction of an inch. Yes I had to learn how to walk again and had my jaw wired shut and I broke my sternum in two places and it was miserable for several months while I recovered but it could have been a lot worse. I got off pretty easy.

Every day since then has been bonus time. By all accounts I should be dead. It’s like my life has been divided into two sections and that day was halftime. I try to be thankful for a chance to live longer than I should have but some days it’s not easy. Life is very difficult.

I’ve had the deck stacked against me since birth and it’s been a lifetime of having a big mountain to climb. I’m not the only one to have had huge odds to overcome and I do not feel sorry for myself because my problems aren’t the worst by far but it’s been a struggle of epic proportions just to get this far. Looking back on it all now I‘m still without a clue.

Did I choose all of these hellish circumstances? I sure hope not. And if I did is there any reason why? Is there a reward in the next life for having gone through so much hell here? All I ever wanted was to have a normal life and be a good person and make others happy. I’m a pretty mellow chap for the most part but somehow I never got to live that scenario.

Ever since my earliest memories I’ve always felt like an outsider. My grandparents told me when I was very little that they were just watching me until they could find a place to send me because my parents had no room for me. That isn’t a fun way to start off and it’s been one kick in the face after the next. All these years later I still feel like an outsider.

One thing that still stands out in my memory about that car accident is the feeling I had that I was about to die. My life flashed in front of my eyes like we all hear about and I did not have any fear whatsoever. I had a split second to think and I was very clear during that instant and I thought ‘I’m going to die now. I’ve done my best and it’s time to move on.’

No fear. No panic. No sadness. I was ready to die. In a way I’m sad I didn’t because I’d have found out what really is on the other side if indeed there is anything. Maybe I’d have finally found a home somewhere. I sure haven’t found it here and still feel like a visitor in a bad hotel. There has got to be more than this out there somewhere and I want to find it.

Eventually we’ll all find out what’s out there or over there or up there or whatever we’ll do when the time finally comes when we pass from this insane pebble in the cosmos. I am absolutely looking forward to something better but until then I have to maintain life here.

Everyone and their uncle has a theory of what life is about but in reality nobody knows. I hear people tell me ‘You were kept alive for a reason’ but I’ll be damned if I can find it. I’ve been trying to figure it all out both before the accident and after and I’m still at a loss for words. Life seems to be random dollops of manure on my plate and I’m not hungry.

One thing that day did was to make me grateful for everything I do have. I don’t take it for granted when I can get out of bed and walk to the toilet because for months that was a huge struggle. I am thankful for every time I get on stage because that’s what I love to do.

I also love to teach classes and that all started as a direct result of not having any money coming in. I was asked to teach a class in comedy and I thought it couldn’t be done. All of these years later it’s been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I’ve been able to work with over a thousand people and be a mentor and a teacher and it feels wonderful.

I’ve also lived a lot of life in these fifteen years. I toured the country as a comedian and I also had radio jobs in Reno, Salt Lake City and at the Loop in Chicago. I’ve lived out a lot of other people’s dream who wanted to be comedians but never had the guts to try it.

There have been some bad things too. I’ve had to testify in court against my best friend from childhood who robbed a bank twice and tried to blame one of them on me. That was more painful than the broken bones from the car accident and he really made it difficult.

My sister and I haven’t spoken in fifteen years either. We had a spat back when I was at my lowest point recovering from all this and she’s never forgiven me for it. I have tried to make peace several times but she just won’t accept it and that still hurts too. I don’t get it.

My father died last year and I never did make any kind of resolution with him. He was a lout and a bully and I never did get any kind of fatherly input from him. He made it harder as did my mother who abandoned us when I was just a baby. She contacted me after I was out of the hospital and swore she was going to see me but fifteen years later I still wait.

There are a lot of mistakes I made that I wish I could undo but there are also a whole lot of good decisions I’ve made as well. I’m trying to play the cards I was dealt in life but the rest of the world seems to be playing Yahtzee. I can’t quit now though. I’ve come too far. I may not ever get rich or famous and that’s just how it works in this life. But for the rest of whatever time I have left here I’ll try to make the most of it all and be grateful for it all.