As The Apple Turns

Sunday May 11th, 2008 - Kenosha, WI/Lake Villa, IL

Another Mother’s Day. I’m sick of writing about how miserable these kinds of holidays can be but today I don’t have to. I’m not miserable at all. I’m not thrilled about it but I’m definitely not miserable. If I was in the mood I was in last week after all that ugly mess in Topeka this could have been what launched me on my six state killing spree but it’s not.

I’m still trying to figure out how my whacked out brain works. It feels like my life is an apple with a worm in it that constantly revolves. When the good side is showing there is a feeling of being bulletproof but when the worm side shows I go into my hellish darkness.

The worm side has been showing up less and less but it’s still there and whenever it’s in view the world is a horrible place. When it’s not I can tolerate just about anything and it’s a total feeling of invincibility. Today the worm was nowhere to be found and I’m thrilled.

We had a strong radio show in Kenosha today and our guest was really good. She talked about ghost hunting and what ghosts are and we could have fun with her because she was smart and could laugh at herself. She is an only child and we talked about how her mother let her off for a couple of hours to do our radio show. The whole thing worked perfectly.

On the way home I thought about my mother a little. I truly have no idea if she’s living or dead and sadly I really don’t care. Like with my father the damage is done and nothing she could say or do would make up for it now. At least when the old man died I was able to put some kind of bow on it and wash my hands of it. With my mother it’s all mystery.

I’ve only seen her a few times in my life, the last one when I was about 18. Then there’s the story of when I was 30 and in intensive care after my car accident and she tried calling me in the hospital. I hung up on her a few times but she kept calling back and saying that she wanted to see me. Then we made an appointment to do that but she never showed up.

That’s been 15 years now and it still hurts so badly I can’t put it into words. But I didn’t feel that pain today any more than any other day. I thought about it a little but it didn’t put that nasty sting in my being like some things do. I guess it’s just the luck of what day it is.

If the wormy side of my apple was out today I might be ready to suck that gun barrel but I am actually in pretty good spirits. Having a good radio show and seeing that project start to take shape is very encouraging. That was my main focus for today and not my mother.

What a waste this has all been. Why did she just abandon all of us and then not make it up to us ever? She’s had many years but hasn’t done it and if she is dead I’m sure she has a few things to answer for right along with my father. They sure didn’t give us kids any.

Wherever she is is going to be a mystery for a while. I don’t even know her last name at this time because I think she’s been remarried a couple of times. I can’t see myself paying anyone else to look for her because if I found her there’d be very few good things to say.