Don't Read This One

Friday May 2nd, 2008 - Lake Villa, IL

A rainy day today inside and out. The weather was nasty all day and I was feeling rotten so I didn’t even leave the house. I’m in a surprisingly deep funk that started with the nasty situation in Topeka last week. That started it and it’s been a constant slide down since.

Things like this take their toll on my psyche. I’ve had other situations like this and they led to a bad mental space like I’m in now. When what I really love to do goes south it has a domino affect on everything else in my life and it makes me feel like I am a total loser.

I really do think I’m on the wrong planet. This is a place I just don’t fit in. I never did. It feels like life is going on all around me and I have always looked for a place to join in but I never have been able to find it. I’ve ‘made do’ for years but as far as a life goes, no way.

The older I get I can see that I have pretty much wasted my time here and although I try to keep slugging it doesn’t really do any good. If I could lay down peacefully and transfer my remaining days over to someone who really wants it I’d gladly do that starting today.

I remember when my cousin Jef was dying of cancer in 2001. He was the age I am now. He’s got five kids and had three comic book stores and he was cut down in the prime of a life he worked hard to build. If I could have laid down then and let him live I’d have done it in a second. Now he’s gone and his kids don’t have a dad and I just don’t understand it.

Life is not fair and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I have had enough of all this insanity and if I could leave this planet tomorrow I would be on the first flying saucer that had an empty seat headed ANYWHERE. This place is turning out to be a big flea market.

I should have died in my car accident in 1993. It really is a miracle that I survived but it sure didn’t lead to anything other than fifteen years of radio firings and problems and lots of disappointments from coast to coast. Now I’m back at square one and out of answers.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? Comedy gigs are drying up left and right and it isn’t going to get better any time soon. I want to do my Uranus business but I really don’t have a clue as to how to get that going and profitable in the near future. I wanted to start a side business as my comedy continues to grow but that’s not how it’s going to work now.

I’m in a tough spot. What do I do? I have no idea right now. My current down mode is a bad place to be because nothing looks positive. I don’t have any family to go to for advice but I never did. That’s why I’ve made some of the stupid mistakes I’ve made and now I’m all alone in having to dig myself out of all this. Right now the future doesn’t look bright.

I wish I had a good thing to say but I don’t. My business partner embezzled all my cash. Other people owe me money because I stupidly was generous and thought they’d pay me back. WRONG. Comedy gigs are looking bleak and my calendar is empty for the longest stretch it’s ever been and my mental outlook is in the toilet. Where’s your Dr. Phil now?

Is this supposed to be an exercise to build mental toughness? Character? Bitterness? It’s a mystery to me but this is the situation I’m in and I have limited choices. In a nutshell the two main choices are live or die. I’ve considered both and actually #2 sounds interesting.

If there’s a next world it’s GOT to be better than this one. I’ve been around this one for enough time to know that a lot of it isn’t to my liking. The more I try to fit in the less I do. The people I’ve met that are good are very good but the idiots outnumber them by a lot.

When I get like this I’m no fun to be around and I know it. I don’t enjoy getting into the dark side of life but it’s a constant struggle. I was going ok until that situation in Topeka. It hit me in the face out of nowhere and it sent me into this tailspin. Those goofs haven’t a clue that they did that either. They’re just a bunch of drunk frat boys who don’t care at all.

I sat down and wrote a well thought out email to the club today. I explained my point of view and the situation at hand and asked that I please be paid so we can all move on. This doesn’t have to get drawn out or ugly if they’ll just write me a check and that’s it. I didn’t want to go over the booker’s head but he wasn’t going to fight for me so I did it myself.

I wasn’t rude or ugly and I took my time and was happy with the email I sent. It was an accurate representation of how I felt and I proposed what I thought was a fair solution to a problem that in my opinion was unnecessary in the first place. I thought it would be better to send an email rather than make a call because at least I have a record of what I said.

It wasn’t nasty or angry or anything other than a statement of facts. I worked and I think I should be paid for what I did. Whether they or the booker use me again isn’t the issue in any of this. That’s probably not going to happen and I’m ok with it. I just want my money for the show I did. If they’ll send me a check we can get over this blip and all move on.

We’ll see if that happens. It probably won’t knowing how these things usually work but at least I made an honest effort. I don’t claim to be perfect but I do claim to be honest and I really try to live by the golden rule. That’s the greatest law of all time and no matter if it pertains to religion or not it’s a fantastic way to live a life for anyone. I always try to do it.

It was really a struggle making it through today. The cloudy rainy atmosphere didn’t do much for my mood but I tried to keep going and think positive. NOT easy when it gets to be so dark in my head. Other people have to fight other things but this is my ugly demon.

I did take some time to read Steve Martin’s book ‘Born Standing Up’. My friend Todd Hunt loaned it to me and I had been meaning to read it for a while. He’s got some of his own darkness to overcome and I guess that’s what fuels all the comedians of the world.

I really don’t want to be like this but what can I do? I’ve been here before and I get out of it for a while and try to do good things and then I’m back in the gutter again. It’s not a fun place to be and if I could stay out of it forever I surely would. It would help if I had a full calendar of good gigs and a family to love me and steady income. Not on this planet.