Double D-List Duty

Wednesday June 10th, 2009 - Milwaukee, WI/Lake Villa, IL

The Bat Signal went out again this morning so I ended up going back to Milwaukee for another fill in on The D-List on ESPN Radio 540. I never mind doing that and I’m totally flattered they call me. As happened to be I was off and available so I made my way north.

One of the few advantages about living where I do is that I’m exactly between Chicago and Milwaukee and when situations like this come up in either town I feel I have a bit of a head start over everyone else. In a pinch like today it saved a lot of hectic driving time.

I still live a few miles from the freeway though and it’s always a hassle getting back out there where civilization is. I’m getting to know the two lane farm roads out here but I still consider myself a city boy. In a perfect world I’d live right downtown in Chicago and not even need a car anymore. I’ve driven enough for not only my lifetime but about six more.

But this isn’t a perfect world and probably isn’t going to be any time soon. So until it is I’ll have to continue to live in Hooterville for a while until something pops. I’m getting an itch to move somewhere urban again but that would take more of a financial commitment than I really want to make right now. I can live cheaply here so that’s why I hang around.

Plus, most of the stuff I’m involved in is unbelievably fun. The only thing I feel like I’m missing is a financial cushion right now. I’m enjoying the hell out of all my radio projects and hosting the showcases at Zanies in Chicago and farting around with sports cards too.

I have a woman I’m seeing enough to at least keep it interesting and all that takes up my time quite nicely. Maybe it’s holding me back from chasing the brass ring and all that but a lot of my friends who are chasing it either aren’t finding it to be what they expected it to be or not coming close to it at all. Very few people are enjoying the ride but I totally am.

Jerry’s Kidders on WGN is great fun as is the Mothership Connection on WLIP but I’m not lying when I say hanging out with The D-List is the most fun of all. Absolutely every person at the station treats me like a king from the owner Craig Karmazin right on down.

That guy is as sharp as they come but he’s also surrounded himself with good energy all around. Every time I walk in that place I feel the pulse and I love to be around that vibe. It isn’t like that everywhere unfortunately so any time I can be a part of it I always say yes.

The program director Bill Johnson always greets me with a big grin or a firm handshake and says something to pump up the self esteem like “Man, you’re on FIRE today!” I think he means it but even if he doesn’t it sure sets a positive tone and makes me want to return again and again and someone must mean it because I keep getting calls to come back on.

The radio jobs I’ve had have all come attached with major hassles and stupidity and lots of meaningless minutia. Being a guest takes all of that away. I just go in and have fun and go back home. That’s what I did today and it was a blast. They can call me any old time.

Part of this goes a lot deeper than just hanging out with buddies though. This is how my vision has always been what a radio situation should be. The only reason I ever wanted to be on the radio was so people would know I was a comedian and hopefully come out and see me live. That’s it. But in almost twenty years in radio I’ve never been able to do it.

I’ve been fired all over the country by complete idiots and had to start all over again and then it would happen again in a different town. It’s taken me all this time to discover what I was really chasing the entire time. I wanted some approval from someone in my family.

It would have been nice to get it from my father but that was never going to happen. I’m not even sure if my mother is living or dead and she doesn’t have any emotional roots so I don’t think it was going to ever come from her either. My grandfather was wonderful but he was already gone by the time I started doing comedy and my grandmother didn‘t get it.

Looking back on it all I was going to show SOMEBODY I was worth something and it meant everything for me to be able to do it in Milwaukee because that’s my home town. It was important to me to know my father could hear me and whether he listened or not the fact that I was on in the same town made me feel like I had won. What a wasted chase.

I’m not saying it was right for me to do that but being totally truthful with myself that’s what I come up with as the answer. Robin Williams talked about trying to get the thumbs up from his father too but he never got it. Leslie Neilsen too. I’m sure TONS of not only comedians or performers but everyone in all walks of life want their old man‘s approval.

It always seems to boil down to the father too. Mothers are probably important but I’ve got no experience to back that up. Mine left early and my grandmother was a frosty cold German who didn’t give me a hug until I was 37. My sister and I never got along and we probably never will because she hasn’t spoken to me in sixteen years now. It’s the father.

I’ve spent years working through that tweak in my head and now that he’s dead I’m able to handle things a lot better and without emotions (mostly anger) clouding my thinking. It all seems so stupid and useless now. Why did I ever care what that loser thought of me?

Showing him that I was someone wouldn’t have done any good anyway. Even if I’d had the top radio show in Milwaukee or New York or the world it wouldn’t have changed any of the situation but in my pig headed youth I was sure it would. Now I know I was wrong but I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m going to choose to enjoy the rest of my life.

There are still some people in Milwaukee who are pissed off at me and that used to get me down but now I realize I’ve tried to make peace with every one of them and I tried my very best to right whatever wrongs I did but they don’t want to listen. Well, too bad then.

It is what it is but I’ve grown and continue to grow and learn and a day like today when I could sit around with good friends and laugh and also know I was helping someone was way more important than trying to get approval from my old man. I don’t need that now.