A Tale Of Two Cities

Monday June 8th, 2009 - Milwaukee, WI/Chicago, IL

Lots of good things today and a couple not so good. The good started with a call to be a last minute fill in on ‘The D-List’ radio show on ESPN 540 radio in Milwaukee. I always enjoy hanging out on that show and it’s never a hassle. I feel very at home there and it’s like hanging out at a Hooters with buddies and riffing about sports. That’s what we do.

Dan Needles had the day off so Drew Olson brought me in from the bullpen. He doesn’t need me because he’s a very competent broadcaster and there’s also a producer Matt who adds to the mix and does a solid job but the chair was offered and I accepted. I enjoy this.

That makes three days in a row on three different stations and every one was totally fun. I also didn’t get paid for any of the three but fun is important as is name recognition. I am getting paid in ‘exposure’ even though that word makes most performers wince in pain. It does help to add legitimacy by being on several radio stations but it doesn’t pay any bills.

That wasn’t my focus today though. Drew called and I drove up and the three hours slid by unbelievably quickly. Before I knew it the show was over and I stopped for just a little bit to talk with some of the station staff including the owner Craig Karmazin and I missed my parking meter’s expiration time by maybe three minutes at the most. Too bad for me.

I was running across the street waving my arms at the meter maid who looked like she hadn’t had either a sexual encounter or bowel movement or both in about 15 years. She’d have been a perfect candidate to play the lead role if they ever chose to make an Elsie the cow live action movie and she handed me my ticket like she enjoyed it. I really hate that.

They always have to feed the line of BS that ‘Once I start I can’t stop.’ Blah blah blah. I have to believe if a celebrity would have run across the street she’d have ripped it up right away but not me. I don’t have a criminal record and I pay my taxes and I don’t cause any problems as a whole but that doesn’t matter. Piglet balloon ass has to make her quotient.

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me but it really pissed me off to see her smart assed little smirk as she put the ticket in my hand and oozed off in her wimpy little jeep. She thought she was in charge and I would have liked nothing better than to have urinated on her pen and in her hat and all over her jeep that my tax dollars paid for so she can give me tickets.

Why does this infuriate me so much? I tried to figure that out as I stood there clutching my new boobie prize as a few people on the street watched it happen. When I looked over at them they quickly turned away and kept walking, knowing it could have been them too.
I think it totally rots major yak buttocks life has to boil down to such insignificant trifle.

Do I think I’m above the law? Of course not. Do I think I’m better than anyone? No sir. All I’m saying is I don’t like the fact that life’s events have to be so rigid. All I was doing was trying to help a friend. I paid my meter fee until then and it was only a few minutes at most over and I was going to leave for the day. Can’t there be a little slack cut sometime?

If I was a habitual abuser of the law or had left a kid or dog in the car in the scorching heat maybe then I’d deserve punishment but for this little faux pas I have to pay a twenty plus dollar fine I could have used to do a kindness for someone else. It twists my nipples.

It’s not like this is the first one either. Last week I had the incident making a left turn in Illinois and that’s going to cost me $75. Then a couple of months ago I passed someone at an intersection in a tiny town and got snagged for another $75 ticket by yet another badge in a cereal box cop wannabe. There’s no reasoning with these bung holes and I loathe it.

Don’t try to yammer on about how ‘I need to learn safety rules’ and ‘the law is the law’ and all that fermenting bowel slop. This is a revenue generator for small towns and idiots who don’t think through things on an individual basis. They suck money from people for no legit reason other than they can. Am I a cheap bastard? When it comes to this I am.

On the way back to Chicago to host the Zanies rising star showcase I noticed my phone was not working properly. I could barely hear out of the ear piece and nobody could hear me either. My phone is a huge part of my business so I stopped at the mall to get it fixed.

They said they’d have to order a new phone and that would be ‘a few business days’. If I don’t have a phone for a few days I could be out of business but what can I do? I’m in a pickle and I have to have a phone but I was late for Zanies so I had to leave it be for now.

Zanies was absolutely fantastic tonight. There was a really strong lineup of comics and a medium sized but very polite audience and it was a killer show all around. I enjoy how a good show comes together and when I host it I’m part of that. I keep the energy up and make sure each comedian gets a shot to knock it out of the park and most of them did.

Dwayne Kennedy stopped by to hang out and say hello. I’ve known Dwayne as long as I’ve been performing and that’s a long time. We’re close to if not the same age and he is one of the most talented comic minds I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. He’s great.

Dwayne has been on David Letterman three times now and he deserves it. His material not only has punch lines but social commentary too. I think it’s absolutely brilliant and so do most other higher level Chicago comedians. Genius is an often misused word but he is absolutely right up there with anyone I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe he’s not a superstar.

Sometimes the audience doesn’t want a superstar. They want fart jokes and impressions and props and juggling balls. Comedians look at someone like Dwayne and are in awe of his massive skills but Adam Sandler and Carrot Top and Dane Cook sell out big arenas.

Again, life on this pebble has never been fair. It was good to see Dwayne though and he was very complimentary of me getting to do the Craig Ferguson show. I was flattered and I know he meant it. That’s how he is. He doesn’t look at himself like the huge talent he is.
Maybe that’s why he’s not farther along than he is. We‘ve talked about it for years. We’re both craftsmen and focus on our product but we’re both poor to mediocre at the business.