Sixteen Years Of Silence

Monday June 15th, 2009 - Chicago, IL

When I was a kid June 15th meant two things: it was the Major League Baseball trading deadline and it was my sister Tammy’s birthday. Every year I’d wait to see what baseball players got traded and also either go see or at least call Tammy. Now it‘s totally different.

Baseball’s trading deadline is now July 31st and Tammy and I haven’t spoken in sixteen years now so today really doesn‘t have much meaning anymore. SIXTEEN YEARS. That still blows my mind how it could get to be that long but it has. And it’s not even a record.

I had a wacky aunt nobody liked and she didn’t speak to her sister in over twenty years. She died a few years ago and they never did patch it up. My cousin Brett said he called to tell his aunt that her sister was dead and she was very nice to him and said what a waste it was to let all those years just slip away. I totally agree. I’m in a very similar scenario here.

Tammy is the oldest of us and she turns 50 today. That also blows my mind. It seems as though we were all kids just a few years ago but that’s long gone too. Tammy and I never were very close and I always felt she didn’t like me for some reason. I guess I was right.

Our family situation (or lack thereof) was so warped and twisted that I couldn’t put any blame on her or anyone else for whatever was said or done during that whole big horrible mess but I would think we’d be able to look back and put an adult perspective on it now.

Tammy probably has some painful memories my brother Larry and I don’t because she was the oldest and she was also the only girl. Maybe I didn’t realize that as a kid but now I do and I would have been very sympathetic to that fact but I won’t get that chance now.

When my grandmother threw me out when I was 17 Tammy did take me in then and let me live with her family. She was very young herself and had a husband and two kids and I rented a room and paid them rent. That was as close as we ever were but looking back it was an unfair situation. She shouldn’t have had to have that burden at such a young age.

We got along ok I guess but I knew it wasn’t a long term thing and I moved out shortly thereafter to begin my own tumultuous series of events. This was long before I ever tried comedy and I was young and stupid and really didn’t have much of a clue about anything.

It really hurts to go over all this in my mind just because everyone was so clueless then. We were all finding our try or at least trying to and we’d come from a situation that didn’t teach us anything practical as to how to make a good life for ourselves. My grandpa was a positive influence until age 17 and then he checked out just when I needed him the most.

I know there are other siblings that haven’t spoken and just because someone is a family member doesn’t mean you’ll get along but I really do think this is ridiculous. Many times I’ve tried to patch it up with Tammy and I really meant it when I said I was sorry but it’s a lost cause at this point. I give up. She’s 50 and in my eyes our relationship is amputated.

I think the whole situation rots major ass but what else can I do now? I don’t think I am free of blame and never did but our big blowup happened in 1993. I won’t get into it but I was at the very lowest point of my life and had just gone through a major car accident and had nobody to turn to. I asked Tammy for some help and she said she’d ‘pray about it’.

I do admit that really set me off and I wrote her a stinging letter and told her in a few of my choicest words how I felt and really let her have it. But it was 1993. I couldn’t tell you for a million bucks exactly what I wrote back then. I was blowing off steam. No, it’s not a valid excuse and I know that but apparently Tammy took it a lot more to heart than I did.

Honestly I thought it would blow over in a few months but that has festered into sixteen long ugly silent years. When my grandmother had to be put into a nursing home everyone was invited to go help clean out her house and the only reason I went was to attempt to be face to face with Tammy so we could at least talk about why she’s been silent this long.

She wouldn’t even look at me. It was very uncomfortable and after a while I just left. It was also the last time I saw my father and that was cold hearted too. I felt all kinds of icy vibes that day and thinking of it now is making me sad so I’ll stop before I start bawling.

This all seems to stupid and meaningless to me. Is all this part of the big picture lesson plan I’m here to learn or is that all a myth and this is just random dumb luck? I can’t see a happy ending here even though I’ve tried and tried to take charge and admit my faults and make it right. I can’t do that if Tammy won’t talk to me and after sixteen years she won’t.

I seem to have that effect on a certain percentage of people even if it’s a very tiny one. It bothers me a lot that I can’t fix it or at least sincerely apologize but again it’s not up to me at this point. If I could change the situation with all my siblings or with Bob and Tom or a couple of other people I would do it in a second. But I can’t. And it continues to bug me.

The human condition can have some harsh realities and I’m not even close to figuring it all out yet. I’m getting a little smarter but it feels like I’m putting high octane gas in a Geo Metro. It might make a tiny difference but not enough to make me to win the Indy 500.

So I plod along through another June 15th. There were no baseball trades I’ve heard tell of and I wasn’t invited to Tammy’s 50th birthday party. Old age will be on all of us sooner than we think, and that’s only IF we’re ‘lucky’ enough to live that long. Personally I don’t think I’m going to make it. I’m either going to learn my lessons or die in utter frustration.

I’m totally ok with it if I don’t live to an old age. I think the ‘golden years’ are way over rated. I’m surprised I lived this long but it’s still a struggle even to this day. I wrote about my situation with Tammy so hopefully someone reads this and goes and makes up with a sibling or anyone else they haven’t spoken to in years. That would be the happiest ending.

This is how life is in the dented can. ‘Normal’ people have normal problems - like what to get their sister for her 50th birthday. I wish I did. But I don’t. Happy birthday, Tammy.