A Holiday Spree

Thursday December 25th, 2008 - Chicago, IL

Well at least my Christmas wasn’t the worst one in America. Far from it. I learned that when my cousin Brett called and asked if I happened to be in L.A. by any chance. I didn’t know why he would ask that and then he told me some guy my age dressed in a Santa suit there and opened fire taking out several of his in laws. Apparently he’d just had a divorce.

I assured him it wasn’t me. He said he didn’t think so because if it was me I’d have had a much higher body count but he just wanted to check anyway. Any time there’s a flip out crime like this he’ll call and check in to see if I’m still breathing or if I’ve finally snapped.

It’s become a running joke between us over the years and in reality he called to wish me a Merry Christmas and it was nice of him to do that. He’s the one family member that has been constant in my life and he totally gets the big picture and all the insanity it includes.

He’s not a big fan of Christmas either but we plow through and joking about even these kind of sick and twisted things helps to take the edge off our own situation. This is a hard time for a lot of people and that’s why I write about what I’m feeling. I’m not looking for any sympathy. I’m just trying to honestly let out what I feel hoping it helps someone else.

In a strange way it does help to know others are struggling with this stuff too. I’m sorry for the guy’s divorce and apparently it was very bitter and he thought this was the way he wanted to deal with it. We can sit here and look at it from an outsider’s view and think he is the only one at fault but we don’t know the full story. Maybe she pushed him too far.

Who hasn’t been in a heated ugly fight of some kind in life? It could be a bad marriage or a fight over a will or a former business partner who stole money and then tried to steal an idea and open another business right across the street. Sound familiar? I’ve been there.

I really don’t think I’d flip out and shoot anyone though. If I do end up doing it the cops can come back and comb through my daily babblings and see that I haven’t been planning it in advance. I don‘t want to waste my time on idiots. This life is short enough as it is.

That guy must have really felt like he got the shaft to go off like he did. That’s a hell of a commitment. Whether he realized it or not it has a lasting affect not only on those taken out but also those that survive. Future Christmases for them will take on a new meaning.

I always wondered what happens in the next world in situations like that. I picture a line of agitated people waiting at the pearly gates along with the person who shot them. When the line starts moving and St. Peter asks why they came in a group everyone points to the shooter and says ‘Ask HIM.’ Then all eyes are on the shooter who has a sheepish look.

Unfortunately there have been way too many situations like this in way too many places and I’m not making fun of it because innocent people often die. But are they all innocent? I don’t know if anyone can say that. There have to be some deeper reasons in some cases.

Other times it really is just a random thing. Some poor bastard happens to be perched in the old ‘wrong place at the wrong time’ scenario and takes a bullet for it. That’s a tragedy. I always hate to see someone die for no reason because that’s a total Mr. Lucky scenario.

I walk in to a gas station quick mart to buy a Pepsi and a newspaper at the exact time a shootout starts and I end up taking two or three to the back of the head. That wouldn’t be out of character for a lot of the things that have happened in my life and that worries me.

I don’t want to kill anybody. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t want anything but my chance to live a good life and make as many people happy as I can by making them laugh. I want to be a friend and a mentor and a leader and a winner and everything else positive.

I want to be a husband and a father and a father figure to children that aren’t even mine. I want to spend my days sharing what I know with those who want to learn and also be an inspiration to other dented cans everywhere who don’t think big dreams can be achieved. I’ve already made it WAY farther than anyone predicted and I don’t want to quit now.

My dream Christmas wouldn’t involve me getting even one present. It would involve an extremely high number of people having an opportunity to experience something fantastic and real and precious to them in a personal way. I want to see lives changed for the better.

I want to see my life change for the better. Why has Christmas been such a torture for as long as I can remember? What lesson am I supposed to learn from this? I still don’t know. I don’t even have a guess. All I can think of is it’s something that needs to be overcome at some point to show myself and others it can be done. Other than that I think it’s a waste.

There was some positive today though. Marc Schultz invited me over for a while and he knows how I feel this time of year. His family is very laid back and we had a fun visit and then I went to Jerry Agar’s house to hang with his family who I’ve known for many years.

These are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met and in the past I’ve spent Christmases with people like them and Bert Haas’s family from Zanies and some others too. It’s never going to be the same as my own family but at least I know I’m invited to be somewhere.

Smart business would be to keep giving of myself and try to make every day a little bit of both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m thankful for what I have and always looking to give a gift if I can even if it’s just a kind word or a laugh. My inner pain doesn’t matter.

Or does it? If it gets so bad will it lead to putting on a Santa suit and wiping out a whole room full of people at a Christmas party? I hope not. I bet if there is reincarnation that guy will have to come back and live a whole miserable life all over again until he gets it right.

I’m trying to live a good life now. I don’t want to come back here if I don’t have to. I’m hoping I can learn whatever lessons I need to learn and call it a life. Maybe my next world will have a little more joy in it but for now all I can do is try to live this life to the fullest.