Shaping Up

Sunday August 1st, 2010 - Lake Villa, IL

   I’m at one of those points where everything in and about my life absolutely disgusts me. I feel like I’ve completely wasted my entire existence and everything I’ve accomplished is a half baked watered down meaningless chimp trick. Other than that, everything’s peachy.

   I get like this from time to time, and from what I’ve always read, other creative types do as well. It’s a self esteem thing. Right now, I have none. I just don’t feel like I’m worth an ounce of anything. I have a crystal clear inner vision of what I want to do and be, but this isn’t even close to what that inner vision is. I feel like I’m off that path by a country mile.

   I really thought I’d have life’s puzzle figured out by now.  I imagined I’d be rich beyond my dreams, famous, married to the love of my life and head of a loving family. I thought I would be in a position of power so I could assist worthy people but instead I’m still living like a cockroach, just like I’ve been doing all my life. Am I survivor? Yes. Not much else.

   I pictured myself to be a big time comedian and a big time radio personality by now, but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards. I came close to both of those things, but for whatever reasons, the cosmos didn’t see fit for me to play those roles - at least not how I saw them.

   Everyone would like to be a the top of the top, but there isn’t room. There’s usually one or two top bananas, and everyone else follows. There was Elvis, and everyone else. There was Michael Jackson and everyone else. In comedy’s boom years there was Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld and everyone else. In radio, it’s been Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern.

   There are a lot more ‘everyone else’ than big names, so more people have to adjust to it. In radio, Bob and Tom have done very well but they’re not Howard or Rush. They have a huge following in over 200 markets, but from my experience they’re not happy at all. I’ve never been treated more rudely or unprofessionally by anyone I’ve ever dealt with. Ever.

   Richard Jeni is another one who achieved a level of success his peers envied, but wasn’t satisfied with it to the point of commiting suicide. He wasn’t Jay Leno, but he sure wasn’t Dobie Maxwell either. He had the respect of both peers and public, and appeared to be on a fantastic life path. I’m finding there’s a lot more to that path than just career accolades.

   Life is complex and very difficult. If we’re here to learn, I’ve sure earned my degree for this lifetime and hopefully the next one. I hope. It wasn’t Hershey bars and Archie comics getting this far, and there are still some lumps and bumps I’m not very thrilled with. I can improve myself in many areas, and I won’t be satisfied until I give it my very best effort.

   That’s what it usually boils down to, at least for me. Failure isn’t fun, but if I’ve given it my all and still wind up there it’s a lot more acceptable than just throwing together a plan and making a halfhearted attempt at something. It takes effort and a plan, and then it’s not easy to execute that plan in the real world. Circumstances change all the time, and once it gets off track it’s even harder to get straight again. Life is a harder puzzle than I imagined.

Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary