Saturday, September 4, 2010

Jamaica Mistake

Thursday September 2nd, 2010 - Ocho Rios, Jamaica

Captain Stupid is out at sea, everyone best look out. I felt like a cross between Gilligan and Charlie Brown the entire day as one thing went wrong after another. This is the kind of streak that makes normal people drink, but to me it’s just another day in Luckyland.

I didn’t receive word on my lost luggage until later in the day, so I had to take a trip into Ocho Rios where the ship was docked. I’ve been on the ship when it was here before, but I’ve never gotten off until today. Good thing I had the other comedian along to assist me.

His stage name is Phat Kat and like every other comic I’ve met out here on the ships so far, he’s very friendly and willing to help. He knew his way around town and it was very nice of him to take me around to look for a set of clothes. I wasn’t able to find anything I liked for a low price, and I’m cash poor right now from paying off my bills before I left.

We hung out for a while and watched the freak show. Jamaica is exactly how I’d heard it would be, and everyone and their grandma was trying to either scam us for cash, sell us drugs or get us to ride in their rattletrap taxi with no air conditioning. It’s one gigantic con game, but I’m sure enough naïve cruisers fall for their scams to keep them all in business.

The least I could do was thank Phat Kat by buying him a drink and something to eat. He didn’t have to show me around, and I was very grateful. We each had a glass of lemonade that we agreed was some of the best we’d ever had. We ordered a plate of chips and salsa for a snack, but the waiter brought back a plate of French fries with some ketchup instead.

I tried to explain but after about ten seconds I could see I’d never get through and that’s really not anyone’s fault. Here’s a guy living in Jamaica trying to hustle an honest living, and I’m just some goof who’ll be gone in an hour. I smiled and thanked him and we ate.

I wasn’t sure what the luggage situation was, so I ended up buying a psychedelic tie dye Bob Marley t-shirt with yellow clam digger light cotton jogging pants with huge letters of ‘JAMAICA’ printed up the left leg. That’s something nobody would expect me to wear.

I thought it would be funny to walk on stage with a getup like that, and it would, but the people in charge had another idea. The assistant cruise director came to my cabin with an improvised wardrobe including a short sleeve polo shirt, pair of tuxedo pants and a pair of oil resistant black oxford work shoes that crew people wear. In a pinch, that’s what I got.

I went to the guest services desk trying to scrounge up some toiletries and they gave me an emergency pack with all kinds of stuff in it. There was a comb, shaving cream, mouth wash, face cream, lotion, Q tips, deodorant and a nail file. I thought I’d be set for the day.

What I didn’t notice was there wasn’t any shampoo, soap or razor to go along with the tube of shaving cream they gave me. I went back down to ask for it and they told me they didn’t have it but the office would. I went to the office and they were closed for the day.


It took time to go back and forth to these places, because my cabin is up on the 6th floor and the office is on the 1st. The guest services desk is on the 3rd floor, and the elevators on board take a while to navigate all that distance. It was a major production to get this done.

My major mistake was, I didn’t try on the pants until after 6pm and the tuxedo shop was closed. The pants weren’t hemmed and didn’t fit my waist either. I know I need to hit the gym, but I’m not that fat yet. They just didn’t fit. Now I was starting to sense a problem.

I called the assistant cruise director back and she told me she’d get back to me. A short while later, I got a call from the cruise director telling me to meet him at the tuxedo shop in five minutes to exchange pants. The last thing I need is to have the cruise director’s full attention less than a half hour before show time. I could feel the tension start to thicken.

It was totally my fault to not try on those pants, but I was running all over the place and didn’t get to it. Running around looking for shampoo and a razor was a hellish scavenger hunt I never wanted to be part of in the first place. I had no idea the tuxedo shop closed.

Finding the lady in charge of the shop was a major hassle, and now it was 8:20 and my show was scheduled to start at 8:30. She finally showed up and I got my pants, but I had to change in a tiny closet that was very hard to do. The cruise director told me to hurry it up, but I couldn’t. I was yanking on my pants and trying to put on shoes in a tiny space.

These pants were a little loose, but at least they fit. I ran to the show room and arrived just in time to hear the music start for the show. I noticed there were cameras set up and I asked if they were for me. I didn’t need to ask, of course they were for me. I was getting taped again, and at THE worst possible time. The audience was small and I was screwed.

I had about thirty seconds to get ready, and I was going back in my brain trying to recall what bits I did the last time I was recorded. Luckily, that was a hot show, but I remember I was jumping around with material because I was ad libbing a lot. The company wants an entirely different show between early family and adult shows and I struggled to recall.

I was in tuxedo pants and a basically a bowling shirt, no underwear or socks, no hair gel of any kind and I was trying to remember what material I did two weeks ago so I could do what the company told me to on tape. The audience wasn’t bad, but not one I’d choose to record in front of, but now that show is on my permanent record in the company office.

Nobody knows I was trying on tuxedo pants in a tiny closet ten minutes before the show started and had to run full speed to get to the show room. The office will see my tape and wonder why I was dressed the way I was, not knowing my luggage was lost. It was funny, but I also wondered if I repeated any bits. I hope not, but I really don’t know. It’s a guess.

The second show went well, but my pants started to slip off so I sat on a stool to stop it. That was another new experience for me. Then to top it all off, I locked myself out of my cabin and had to call security for one final embarrassment. I’m not sorry this day is over.

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Posted via email from Dobie Maxwell's "Dented Can" Diary

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