Sometimes it’s best to just keep one’s pie hole shut. Tonight was one, but I didn’t do it. I ended up snapping and barking in the face of two people who now probably think I’m a complete dingleberry. It made me feel bad, but not for what I said. It was how I said it.
I hosted the Rising Star Showcase at Zanies in Chicago tonight, as I’m known to do on a regular basis. Comedians come from all over the country to do either a six or ten minute audition for Bert Haas, who books the acts for all three Zanies clubs in the Chicago area.
It’s usually a lot of fun, especially when the audience is red hot like it was tonight. It’s a night off for me, as all I have to do is keep the energy flowing properly and bring each act up with a professional introduction. I learned how to do that by watching my mentor back in Milwaukee during my early years, C. Cardell Willis. Cardell knew how to host a show.
He was the dean of Milwaukee comedy then, and I’m now playing that role in Chicago at Zanies. Cardell’s tutelage taught me how to keep a show moving, and when to distract an audience when an act has a rough set. It takes years of hard work to be a good emcee.
After the show a Mexican guy in his 30s came up and told me how much he’d enjoyed the show and is an aspiring comedian himself. I told him we just started a new class and if he wanted to he could come out next Monday and sit in at no cost to see if he liked it.
The guy misunderstood and thought I said he could come out and be on the Rising Star Showcase show. His eyes lit up like a pinball machine and he said “I’m ready to do this!” I asked how long he’s been doing comedy and he said “Six months.” I told him he wasn’t even close to being ready to go up at Zanies yet, and tried to explain about paying dues.
He snapped and started getting right up in my face. “How the hell would YOU know if I’m ready or not? You’ve never even seen me.” I told him I didn’t need to. Nobody can be ready for a professional comedy club audition after only six months. That doesn’t happen.
The guy was really indignant and went from friendly to complely confrontational in less than ten seconds. That’s not a good thing to do with me on certain days, and this was one. I started in on him and his wife ended up pulling him away before a fight started. He was about 5’2”, so maybe he had short man’s disease or something. He was ready to rumble.
Just as he left, an older guy probably in his mid to late 60s came up and shook my hand and said he’d overheard what I said and agreed with me. He told me he was scheduled for an audition in two weeks, and asked if I’d be hosting. I said I probably would, and then he said he’d been “doing it two years now” and told me he was ready. I told him I doubted it.
Then he snapped and got in my face even worse than the Mexican guy did. I laughed at first because I thought it was trying to be funny, but it turns out he wasn’t. It was like I’d insulted his mother or something and he too seemed like he was ready to throw punches.
He stormed off, and several members of the audience were still there having witnessed both incidents back to back. They looked at me for my reaction and I just shrugged it off and said “Must be my cologne.” What else could I say? Both of those guys were clueless.
About a minute later the old coot came stomping back and I tried to explain myself but he started yelling that I didn’t know a damn thing about comedy and how he was going to go up there on that stage and show everyone how funny he was. I offered to bet his whole Social Security check he wouldn’t, and that made everyone around him laugh out loud.
It sent him into a full fledged rage, and I thought he was going to have a grabber right in front of everyone. I told him nobody was ready to do a showcase like that after two years, and I was right. Nobody is. Does that stop them from doing it? NO. But they’re not ready.
The true purpose of a showcase is to be seen by a booker to get hired for paid gigs. That would mean the comic would have more than six to ten minutes of material he or she just used in their audition set. The audition set itself should be a sample a booker can judge.
I tried to calmly explain that to both people, but neither one wanted to hear it. I have no idea why so many are so stupid, but it’s true. This is why there are thousands of people in lines around a club when Last Comic Standing shows up, and it’s a similar mentality for American Idol. The masses seem to think one small audition bit will be all they’ll need.
Dat Phan was a perfect example. He won the first year of Last Comic Standing and did not have more than ten minutes of material. OK, now what? You can’t headline with that but nobody seems to think before they act. He got a nice break and then couldn’t make it grow into anything else. When a break comes, a performer needs to be ready to leap at it.
The old guy kept saying “How do you know I’m not ready?” Because you’re not. Sorry you’re old and wrinkled, and you’ve probably wanted to be a comedian all your life, but if all you’ve had it two years of stage time, your growth is that of a two year old no matter if your calendar age is much older. Stage age can’t be faked. It has to be EARNED. Period.
I felt bad that I snapped at both of those guys, but they snapped at me first. Don’t cop an attitude around me without walking the walk. I don’t claim to be better than anyone and I really do try to help sincere newcomers as much as humanly possible, but sometimes they don’t have a clue and I tell them about it. Maybe I’m not the one who needs to do that.
Anything involving the entertainment business is flat out DIFFICULT. Comedy is about the hardest it gets, and coming into it with a lack of respect is a good way to get your butt handed to you in an embarrassing way. Everyone has to pay their dues. No exceptions.
Both of those guys went home angry and I never like to see that. I’m not going to flatter myself and think they’ll remember my name, but I know what I said stung both of them to the bone, or at least how I said it. Too bad though, that’s how it is. I’ve been in this game for 25 years and I’M still paying dues. It never ends. Those two bozos need to know that.
2 comments:
I won't dignify this with a long rebuttal. You and I both know what happened last night. I guess I was under the mistaken impression that comedians were supposed to be supportive. If you want to discuss this man to man, you know where to reach me. We’ll talk like adults do.
But look in your email for my full response. The line restrictions in this blog conveniently won't let me respond in full.
I asked Dobie to publish my response, but he won't do it. So, I've created my own blog to counter his continuing attacks.
See; http://adventuresincomedy.blogspot.com/
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